Something New

My goodness how life has changed. My husband was ordained a permanent Deacon back in 2014. We changed parishes. My mom moved back home. My grandfather, my rock and my brother, my friend have both passed into their eternal rest. So many things have changed and shifted.  I find myself lamenting... Covid-19 has hit and been like other viruses but the response to it has been so detrimental to so many people including those who have also does or suffered the loss of loved ones. Life ebbs and flows as always and yet something is lacking... something new has yet to reveal itself. If it weren't for those nearest and dearest to my heart I can't say that I wouldn't have given myself over to the desolation that is permeating society. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and yet what can I personally be responsible for...those under my care (husband and children specifically). There is more though...my extended family, my mom/stepdad, half/step-siblings, nieces/nephews, biodad/adoptivedad all aunts/uncles and the one grandma left living...I feel the separate-ness...the loss of relationship with each of them. What could have been; what's missing...only God can make straight the crooked paths that link is all together, but my heart feels it all and it's difficult the put into words.

Outside of this my bipolar, Hashimotos diagnosis, my anxiety that never showed itself until mask mandates went into effect, my own personal hell of secondary infertility and what that means for my family. My own sins and struggles... I'm definitely not anywhere near perfect.

Something new is coming, something we haven't seen before...are we awake? Are we waiting and watching? Are we present?

If I could just figure things out

Since I keep feeling the need for a distraction but I'm not sure why I'll just post some perfect circle lyrics that seem to explain me today.



"Sleeping Beauty"


Delusional
I believe I can cure it all for you, dear
Coax or trick or drive or
drag the demons from you
Make it right for you sleeping beauty
Truly thought
I can magically heal you

You're far beyond a visible sign of your awakening
Failing miserably to rescue

Sleeping Beauty

Drunk on ego
Truly thought I could make it right
If I kissed you one more time to
Help you face the nightmare
But you're far too poisoned for me
Such a fool to think that I can wake you from your slumber
That I could actually heal you..

Sleeping Beauty
Poisoned and hopeless
You're far beyond a visible sign of your awakening
Failing miserably to find a way to comfort you

Far beyond a visible sign of your awakening
And hiding from some poisoned memory

Poisoned and hopeless
Sleeping Beauty

Now What

After my last well woman's exam my GYN had me tested once again for PCOS. I figured hey, why not find out once and for all and if it is pcos at least it's treatable and it will explain all of my symptoms for the past 15+ years. I had to wait a month for all of my lab and ultrasound results and I was going crazy waiting. I got the call today and everything is NORMAL.

WTF?

Sure part of me is glad that I don't have to deal with being a guinea pig while starting different meds, getting poked and prodded as they monitor progress, don't have to really change up my diet or lifestyle habits (I try to stay healthy as it is but a pcos diet is more extreme). A huge part of me is relieved; then there is the darker side of me rearing its ugly little head.

Seriously, WTF?

So now what? All of my blood work came back normal...everything from my thyroid to my estrogen  including different vitamin levels were tested and out of seven vials of blood work every single thing, all my hormones, everything, is normal. So I'm taking care of myself. The ultrasound also came back normal and this is a slight surprise since the tech said it would be interesting to see how the labs came back because what she was looking at she would say yes I have pcos. This crap drives me crazy.

What do I do now? Why aren't my cycles regular, why is it so difficult for me to conceive? Why am I having such a hard time with the last 15lbs I'm trying to lose. Why do I feel like such a basket case sometimes and why do I get so fatigued in the afternoon for long stretches at a time. Apparently I am a picture of health. I'm so frustrated.

Some days I think my 16 year old self was right when I told my mother that she wired me wrong. At least there I'm blaming my mom and not God. Although I am seriously questioning Him about what feels like a few cruel jokes...in my heart I know He doesn't work like that and I'm just lashing out about one more thing I don't understand. I guess this is just one more moment where I need to give all of this over to Him to do what He wills and think happy thoughts in the meantime.

Missing the Ocean

To me, the sea is like a person — like a child that I’ve known a long time. It sounds crazy, I know, but when I swim in the sea I talk to it. I never feel alone when I’m out there. Gertrude Ederle

This is me walking into the ocean back in 2005...I was cutting back then. The ocean was healing to me, even though the beach was relatively full that day it was me and the sea, a conversation and a change in the current to heal some wounds. Some see the ocean and fear it, it's too big they say. Not me, I've always been at home in the ocean. It's a wonder that I never moved into it's back yard, but then I respect it and it's awesome power to destroy...so I also keep my distance, at least as far as where I live. I did the next best thing though and married a sailor. One who shares my love and my respect for the sea. He probably understands her better than I do...sometimes he understands me better than I do.

I'm missing the crash of the waves today, the feeling of littleness but not aloneness, the smell of salt & sand, the smell of the sun on my skin, the way the water caresses, the vastness...I'm missing the ocean today. I no longer am a cutter and have covered those old scars with a tattoo of cherry blossoms to remind me that nothing will break me and all things can become new again with a little patience, some courage, and a lot of faith. I know the ocean has many secrets within it and that a simple visit can recharge me for the journey that still lies ahead.

I'm simply missing the ocean.

Getting by

Been awhile since I've posted. My mom has been in Washington for only three months now (they left on November 2nd, my 11th anniversary). It's hard but we make due with the hand we've been dealt. My little family has been busy and though I still struggle with all mom may be missing everyday I realize time goes on regardless and we should do the best we can.

Andy is in his final year of formation for the permanent diaconate. Hadrien is finishing up his first year of schooling. Liam and Simon and still home with mommy. And I am getting by.

My brother is struggling, but still alive, still looking for his silver lining everyday, and still taking care of his little girl. I struggle with not being able to help him out more, but I do what I can, when I can, and as I'm brought into his loop of knowing what it is that needs to be done. Even if that means just giving him a ear to vent to and a shoulder to lean on for a short while. I don't envy him but I do admire him and his perseverance very much!

I've taken a step back from my sister's problems...raising two teenage kids on her own she has her own struggles. I'm still here for her; I'm just not actively inserting myself into their bubble anymore unless and when I'm invited in to offer my advice or opinion or to stay quiet and let her get things off her chest whatever the case may be.

I think of all of my other siblings daily although I am not usually privy to the goings on in their lives and maybe it's best that way. I have enough on my plate with my three little ones and husband; but I do think of them and pray for them and keep them very near to my heart everyday.

I knew things were going to be different once my mom was actually gone. Boy was I right! The entire family has a new dynamic and most of the time now I feel like I'm on an island. No one wants to bother me with information or I'm forgotten as an invitee to events. I've had to learn to be disappointed quietly and to not become angry or resentful during certain points in the past few months. This has not been easy for me...I usually can't tame my tongue. I'm learning to be quieter though and I'm not sure if it's such a good thing for me...sometimes it seems the quieter I am the more invisible I become. I'm sure this is just a skewed perspective though and not the true way things are...at least I hope that's the case.

It's the feeling I have sometimes. At least I'm getting by.

Time stops for no one

So the summer has past and I have finally been told I have til the week of November 11th-15th until my mother leaves me (i know I'm selfish). It feels like she tapped out awhile ago though and at the same time the closer it gets the more distraught I become. I have no one without my momma. No one who sees me the way she sees me. Its my everything...what am I supposed to do? How do I let go?

Even when she disappoints me or frustrates me to high heaven I love her. She's my mom. She's going to miss out on so much and how do I cope with that? I survived the divorce, finding out about my biological father, a new marriage, the loss of my first child, becoming the black sheep of a family, many other deaths, a suicide attempt, my bipolar diagnosis and many other hardships because my mother was by my side...how will I survive without her here?

I have no one who truly understands or who will let me even get my fears off my chest and try to console me. I'm so lost right now and no one sees.

My Mother, My Lifeline

Mama and Simon 2012

My mother.

She gave me life. She taught me to live. She made sure I was strong, independent, loving, nurturing, hard at times, soft and caring in other times, she taught me to not be afraid (of much), to stand my ground, to hold on to what I loved most (i.e. my faith and my family) at all cost.

She has been my friend, my confidant, my biggest supporter, my worst enemy.

She is my mother.

Right now, I'm grief stricken and it's not like she's dying or suddenly gone (she's not) but soon she will be many states away and I don't know what I'll do without her here. I'll get by but it definitely won't be the same...as a matter of fact it hasn't been the same since her mom left us back in 2005 or was it 2002, I honestly can't remember exactly when my grandmother passed.

My momma has had many and still has many obligations...right now it is first and foremost to her husband. Being a wife myself I can understand this and at the same time I don't. Maybe it's selfish...but it's not for myself...I am thinking of my brother, barely 30 and suffering from a brain cancer that may take him at anytime, my grandfather 80 this year who's health is failing, my aunt (her closest sister -I think- who is going through the loss of a loved one herself, my children and my brother's daughter, then myself and even my husband who loves my mother dearly. I can't imagine life without her just down the street, 10 minutes away, should I need her. She has carried me and I'm sure at times my siblings through our own hurts and losses...she has filled us with hope, love, laughter, silliness, held us through our hurts, brokenness, and I don't know what to do or how to feel after the big move...it originally was a year that we were given to prepare, now it seems I have only until November, before the holidays to not only prepare myself but also my children for her departure.

I'm hollow.