Something New

My goodness how life has changed. My husband was ordained a permanent Deacon back in 2014. We changed parishes. My mom moved back home. My grandfather, my rock and my brother, my friend have both passed into their eternal rest. So many things have changed and shifted.  I find myself lamenting... Covid-19 has hit and been like other viruses but the response to it has been so detrimental to so many people including those who have also does or suffered the loss of loved ones. Life ebbs and flows as always and yet something is lacking... something new has yet to reveal itself. If it weren't for those nearest and dearest to my heart I can't say that I wouldn't have given myself over to the desolation that is permeating society. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and yet what can I personally be responsible for...those under my care (husband and children specifically). There is more though...my extended family, my mom/stepdad, half/step-siblings, nieces/nephews, biodad/adoptivedad all aunts/uncles and the one grandma left living...I feel the separate-ness...the loss of relationship with each of them. What could have been; what's missing...only God can make straight the crooked paths that link is all together, but my heart feels it all and it's difficult the put into words.

Outside of this my bipolar, Hashimotos diagnosis, my anxiety that never showed itself until mask mandates went into effect, my own personal hell of secondary infertility and what that means for my family. My own sins and struggles... I'm definitely not anywhere near perfect.

Something new is coming, something we haven't seen before...are we awake? Are we waiting and watching? Are we present?

If I could just figure things out

Since I keep feeling the need for a distraction but I'm not sure why I'll just post some perfect circle lyrics that seem to explain me today.



"Sleeping Beauty"


Delusional
I believe I can cure it all for you, dear
Coax or trick or drive or
drag the demons from you
Make it right for you sleeping beauty
Truly thought
I can magically heal you

You're far beyond a visible sign of your awakening
Failing miserably to rescue

Sleeping Beauty

Drunk on ego
Truly thought I could make it right
If I kissed you one more time to
Help you face the nightmare
But you're far too poisoned for me
Such a fool to think that I can wake you from your slumber
That I could actually heal you..

Sleeping Beauty
Poisoned and hopeless
You're far beyond a visible sign of your awakening
Failing miserably to find a way to comfort you

Far beyond a visible sign of your awakening
And hiding from some poisoned memory

Poisoned and hopeless
Sleeping Beauty

Now What

After my last well woman's exam my GYN had me tested once again for PCOS. I figured hey, why not find out once and for all and if it is pcos at least it's treatable and it will explain all of my symptoms for the past 15+ years. I had to wait a month for all of my lab and ultrasound results and I was going crazy waiting. I got the call today and everything is NORMAL.

WTF?

Sure part of me is glad that I don't have to deal with being a guinea pig while starting different meds, getting poked and prodded as they monitor progress, don't have to really change up my diet or lifestyle habits (I try to stay healthy as it is but a pcos diet is more extreme). A huge part of me is relieved; then there is the darker side of me rearing its ugly little head.

Seriously, WTF?

So now what? All of my blood work came back normal...everything from my thyroid to my estrogen  including different vitamin levels were tested and out of seven vials of blood work every single thing, all my hormones, everything, is normal. So I'm taking care of myself. The ultrasound also came back normal and this is a slight surprise since the tech said it would be interesting to see how the labs came back because what she was looking at she would say yes I have pcos. This crap drives me crazy.

What do I do now? Why aren't my cycles regular, why is it so difficult for me to conceive? Why am I having such a hard time with the last 15lbs I'm trying to lose. Why do I feel like such a basket case sometimes and why do I get so fatigued in the afternoon for long stretches at a time. Apparently I am a picture of health. I'm so frustrated.

Some days I think my 16 year old self was right when I told my mother that she wired me wrong. At least there I'm blaming my mom and not God. Although I am seriously questioning Him about what feels like a few cruel jokes...in my heart I know He doesn't work like that and I'm just lashing out about one more thing I don't understand. I guess this is just one more moment where I need to give all of this over to Him to do what He wills and think happy thoughts in the meantime.

Missing the Ocean

To me, the sea is like a person — like a child that I’ve known a long time. It sounds crazy, I know, but when I swim in the sea I talk to it. I never feel alone when I’m out there. Gertrude Ederle

This is me walking into the ocean back in 2005...I was cutting back then. The ocean was healing to me, even though the beach was relatively full that day it was me and the sea, a conversation and a change in the current to heal some wounds. Some see the ocean and fear it, it's too big they say. Not me, I've always been at home in the ocean. It's a wonder that I never moved into it's back yard, but then I respect it and it's awesome power to destroy...so I also keep my distance, at least as far as where I live. I did the next best thing though and married a sailor. One who shares my love and my respect for the sea. He probably understands her better than I do...sometimes he understands me better than I do.

I'm missing the crash of the waves today, the feeling of littleness but not aloneness, the smell of salt & sand, the smell of the sun on my skin, the way the water caresses, the vastness...I'm missing the ocean today. I no longer am a cutter and have covered those old scars with a tattoo of cherry blossoms to remind me that nothing will break me and all things can become new again with a little patience, some courage, and a lot of faith. I know the ocean has many secrets within it and that a simple visit can recharge me for the journey that still lies ahead.

I'm simply missing the ocean.

Getting by

Been awhile since I've posted. My mom has been in Washington for only three months now (they left on November 2nd, my 11th anniversary). It's hard but we make due with the hand we've been dealt. My little family has been busy and though I still struggle with all mom may be missing everyday I realize time goes on regardless and we should do the best we can.

Andy is in his final year of formation for the permanent diaconate. Hadrien is finishing up his first year of schooling. Liam and Simon and still home with mommy. And I am getting by.

My brother is struggling, but still alive, still looking for his silver lining everyday, and still taking care of his little girl. I struggle with not being able to help him out more, but I do what I can, when I can, and as I'm brought into his loop of knowing what it is that needs to be done. Even if that means just giving him a ear to vent to and a shoulder to lean on for a short while. I don't envy him but I do admire him and his perseverance very much!

I've taken a step back from my sister's problems...raising two teenage kids on her own she has her own struggles. I'm still here for her; I'm just not actively inserting myself into their bubble anymore unless and when I'm invited in to offer my advice or opinion or to stay quiet and let her get things off her chest whatever the case may be.

I think of all of my other siblings daily although I am not usually privy to the goings on in their lives and maybe it's best that way. I have enough on my plate with my three little ones and husband; but I do think of them and pray for them and keep them very near to my heart everyday.

I knew things were going to be different once my mom was actually gone. Boy was I right! The entire family has a new dynamic and most of the time now I feel like I'm on an island. No one wants to bother me with information or I'm forgotten as an invitee to events. I've had to learn to be disappointed quietly and to not become angry or resentful during certain points in the past few months. This has not been easy for me...I usually can't tame my tongue. I'm learning to be quieter though and I'm not sure if it's such a good thing for me...sometimes it seems the quieter I am the more invisible I become. I'm sure this is just a skewed perspective though and not the true way things are...at least I hope that's the case.

It's the feeling I have sometimes. At least I'm getting by.

Time stops for no one

So the summer has past and I have finally been told I have til the week of November 11th-15th until my mother leaves me (i know I'm selfish). It feels like she tapped out awhile ago though and at the same time the closer it gets the more distraught I become. I have no one without my momma. No one who sees me the way she sees me. Its my everything...what am I supposed to do? How do I let go?

Even when she disappoints me or frustrates me to high heaven I love her. She's my mom. She's going to miss out on so much and how do I cope with that? I survived the divorce, finding out about my biological father, a new marriage, the loss of my first child, becoming the black sheep of a family, many other deaths, a suicide attempt, my bipolar diagnosis and many other hardships because my mother was by my side...how will I survive without her here?

I have no one who truly understands or who will let me even get my fears off my chest and try to console me. I'm so lost right now and no one sees.

My Mother, My Lifeline

Mama and Simon 2012

My mother.

She gave me life. She taught me to live. She made sure I was strong, independent, loving, nurturing, hard at times, soft and caring in other times, she taught me to not be afraid (of much), to stand my ground, to hold on to what I loved most (i.e. my faith and my family) at all cost.

She has been my friend, my confidant, my biggest supporter, my worst enemy.

She is my mother.

Right now, I'm grief stricken and it's not like she's dying or suddenly gone (she's not) but soon she will be many states away and I don't know what I'll do without her here. I'll get by but it definitely won't be the same...as a matter of fact it hasn't been the same since her mom left us back in 2005 or was it 2002, I honestly can't remember exactly when my grandmother passed.

My momma has had many and still has many obligations...right now it is first and foremost to her husband. Being a wife myself I can understand this and at the same time I don't. Maybe it's selfish...but it's not for myself...I am thinking of my brother, barely 30 and suffering from a brain cancer that may take him at anytime, my grandfather 80 this year who's health is failing, my aunt (her closest sister -I think- who is going through the loss of a loved one herself, my children and my brother's daughter, then myself and even my husband who loves my mother dearly. I can't imagine life without her just down the street, 10 minutes away, should I need her. She has carried me and I'm sure at times my siblings through our own hurts and losses...she has filled us with hope, love, laughter, silliness, held us through our hurts, brokenness, and I don't know what to do or how to feel after the big move...it originally was a year that we were given to prepare, now it seems I have only until November, before the holidays to not only prepare myself but also my children for her departure.

I'm hollow.

No Television :-D

Just before 2008 started I splurged and bought my husband a flat screen tv for Christmas. This was just before the birth of our oldest son. It recently has gone on the fritz and we've been turning it off more since half the screen is black. I finally called a repair man and they had to cart the thing off to run further diagnostics on it. The repair may cost $400 or we may have to fork out money to buy a new one....really not even five years old and already running into this kind of problem. Before this tv we had a huge box that I had bought in 99', sure it was bulky but it still worked nearly ten years later.

Whatever happened to making things that lasted?

Minus the headache and extra expense I have to say I am thankful for this reprieve. The tv gets turned on for background noise before I'm awake and then for the most part it stays on....just cuz. I've been guilty of allowing my kids to watch too much tv, although recently we've been spending more time outside. I feel like the tv is always too loud (even when it's off), too easy a distraction (from having meaningful conversations), not to mention too vulgar (have you seen the commercials/shows aimed at kids but not appropriate for adults). So I'm thankful to have some quiet for the whole family. And if the thing can't be fixed...well I may just go about saving up for a new one at a snails pace, on purpose.

Simon turns One

Simon came into the world much the same way as his brothers but boy is his personality different. He is my clown, he'll do anything for a laugh and can really get his dad going which is amazing. He looks very much like his dad when he was little brown eyes and all. He turned one today and it's crazy how fast the year went. Thanks to his big brothers he learned to crawl and walk earlier, also has more of his teeth earlier and he is a huge momma's boy. It's nice to finally have one who for the moment at least wants mom before dad. I'm blessed to be a mom and want nothing but the best for all of my boys. Happy Birthday Simon!

 

Laughing with dad

/

Do I have to wear this thing?

Don't mind if I do wear my cake

Time for a brother hug!

See I can help too!

A Laugh I Received from a Friend

SHATTERED

This summer has left me bone-weary and shattered, at least that's how I feel. It started with a poor choice in June and since then just doesn't want to let up. Here's the rundown:


JULY - Brother goes into hospital, they find a mass and he undergoes surgery to remove it. Same brother's house is foreclosed on with 3 days to get out. I help to coordinate the move (he's in the hospital recovering). Same brother is diagnosed with Stage 3 brain cancer. Step-dad goes into the hospital with his heart in A-Fibrillation, a week's stay. Help mom to clean the house for step-dad's return. Help same brother move into a new house.

AUGUST - Husband's phone breaks, luckily we carry insurance and so the phone company sends him a new one. The dryer goes out, my brother helps me purchase and install a new one. A leak in our house leaves me with out access to my kitchen for three weeks. Spend half of the month trying to get the work done to fix all that was damaged because of the leak. A slight reprieve when we head to Cornville for a weekend retreat.

SEPTEMBER - I finally get my kitchen back but am now dealing with the insurance to pay the water mitigation people and to have the rest of the work completed. (Their approved contractor kind of sucks.) Husband has an appendicitis and within a few hours of the diagnoses goes into the hospital for an appendectomy and an overnight stay, plus a week off of work. (At least his brother was in town to look after the kids while I stayed with said husband.) An unsolicited phone call I receive ushers in more chaos...ugh, and I thought I had finally gotten out of the 'doghouse'...and the month isn't over yet.


I think if the rest of the year continues in this belligerent way I am going to swear off 2012 forever...hmm, funny....I think NOT! Tired and shattered....

A Past Can Be A Problem

We all have them.

A past, a history, all those events in life that helped to form us into the person we currently are. And the more we age the longer our past is. I had hoped that certain parts of my own past would travel with me in life. The memories certainly do and can. I have a few childhood friends who remain in touch if only by getting together to celebrate a child's birthday once a year. Its a time for us to catch up and be awestruck with how quickly all of our little ones are growing.

I wonder about others sometimes....where has life taken them, what are they currently doing etc. I tried for a short time to bring some of those past friendships into my present. But it didn't go so well. I forgot to keep my boundaries intact completely and acted like a "dumb teenager" again. Luckily I had people around me to bring me back to the present me before things got too out of hand. I still hurt someone I love in the process but have been and continue to try to correct the error and work on rebuilding the level of trust that took Y-E-A-R-S to develop, moments to breakdown. We all make mistakes but fixing them is usually a longer process.

Part of that rebuilding is being honest in all aspects of life, especially those parts that will cause unrest. I'm doing my part for sure even though sometimes it's very, VERY difficult for me to be that vulnerable. Here's where I'm struggling though...is doing the right, honest, good thing ever a win-win? In my experience it never has...there are always too many variables in play and ultimately someone always has feelings hurt, are disappointed, angered, feelings of distrust are raised again and the thing that I thought was right, honest and good suddenly doesn't seem to be. (Although had I done the opposite it still would've been wrong and a lie to boot'!)

In my thirty-some-odd-years of life I'm learning another lesson...having a past meet present can, and maybe always does, become a problem.

*Sigh

Alone

NO...

Sure enough my previous fears have come to reality. My baby brother is 29 years young, has an almost four year old daughter, a wife with two teenage sons from previous relationships...and he's been diagnosed with Anaplastic Astrocytoma...stage 3 brain cancer.

I can only imagine from a mother's standpoint what my own mom is going through, let alone what my brother is going through. I can barely comprehend what I'm feeling so how much worse is it for any of them?

I've had two grandparents, one I was really close to, who fought and died from breast cancer. I have a grandfather, one we thought would die from the bottle, who may end up kicking the bucket from prostate cancer (diagnosed this past January). I have various aunts, uncles, cousins who've died after battling various types of cancer...so I am no stranger to this disease or the havoc it wreaks on the body.

But suddenly I feel so alone...

Is it the fact that it's my baby brother? I don't know. All I know is I am not taking this news well. My research has turned up, at best odds, a life expectancy of 5yrs tops...more likely between 18 months and 2.5 years...it's a death sentence. Don't get me wrong, I know from the moment of conception we are all on our way to our eternal life. We have no control over this, I myself have lost a son too early, I understand physical, untimely death better than anyone should. I trust in God, I trust in His ultimate plan for each of us...our free will withstanding.....sometimes my humanness takes over though and I'm suddenly a two yr old throwing a tantrum, kicking and screaming that it's NOT FAIR!!!

I want to talk about this, I want to have someone hold me and let me cry for as long as it takes to get it all out...I want to take this burden, this cross from my kid brother or at least to give him some sense of peace. But instead, I feel so alone...I'm on an island and I can't make the words come out of my heart or my head...I can't form a sentence to let anyone know what I'm going through, the internal struggle that's taking place within me...

I'M ALONE and my heart is aching.

Merry-Go-Round...Almost

When you're a child the sight of a carousel or merry-go-round brings nothing but a feeling of utter delight. The ride makes you feel weightless and carefree...this is the feeling of youth, no worries, no anxiety, just innocence in action.

As an adult you may remember that feeling...but you begin to associate the merry-go-round with routine or the never ending cycle of wake, work, eat, sleep and repeat. It's almost like a ride you become trapped on with no way off. Life seems to get the upper hand and the pressures of adulthood loom unbidden and sometimes unforgiving.

These past few days have been crazy insane to say the least. Everything has come crashing down around me and my family in a completely unexpected way. It's the merry-go-round from hell that we can't seem to escape and it's affecting each of us differently with some elements overlapping and drawing us together...those elements are the only things keeping us from ripping our hair out or worse, because we can at least be supportive as one goes up and the other goes down, we can laugh at the chaos and cry when we drop the last ball, we are present to each other now in a way that we always should be but usually fail at being.

FAMILY

During this time of crisis in my family I have to pause and count my blessings. My brother is sick and in the hospital, his wife is out of work but is scheduled to start a new job Monday (blessing), they are losing their house but brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends niece and nephew are all pulling together to make the move or give them a place to stay (blessing), and my husband...is my rock...has stepped up to take care of our boys, our house, all the mundane repetitive little things (making sure everyone is fed including me) and helping with the move, supporting me etc...(HUGE BLESSING)!!!!

It is true that Love begets Love. Every kindness that my brother has ever shown is being returned to him tenfold and he isn't fully aware of it just yet. There are so many people around the world praying for him and his family right now. I say around the world because not only is my local parish praying for them but he has been put on a prayer chain that reaches clear across the planet. Through actions that he can see and those he can't he and his family are being lifted up and I am thankful.

I am thankful for my sisters, the one who is here in town and those who are in a different state. For my other brother and his friends for pitching in and giving up their Saturday, last minute, to do a move in AZ in the middle of summer. I am thankful for my niece and nephew who are giving up some of their summer vacation to help tend my little ones so I can be free to make phone calls, be active in the move on Saturday, free to visit my brother. I am so thankful for the extended family...most of all, just above my husband, I am thankful, to God. This may not be the best situation but I know He is at work in all of our lives and it is all for the greater good, even if we don't understand it right now. I am thankful that He is in charge and that I can simply put all of this, the sadness, the worry, the gratitude, the joy, everything in His hands and whatever happens I know we all will be taken care of. I am thankful for the family, immediate, extended and otherwise that He has given me...I could do none of this without Him!

Beyond

My sister and I went to the hospital early this morning. My brother had a massive headache and had already been given quite a few medications and although he may not remember we went in to pre-op to let him know we were present and that we weren't going anywhere and that he would be okay. We caught up with other family members and after hours of waiting...

 the surgeon came out told us that the surgery was 'cake' (so to speak) and that he was able to remove all but 5% of the mass. He let us know what it looked like, the cystic portion being "popped" (ie. of no concern) and the solid mass being sent out for pathology. The 5% left was solid mass but he "didn't think" was cancerous. My brother woke, was able to talk and his strength was good. The power of prayer is a miraculous thing. I breathe a sigh of relief but I know that we aren't out of the woods just yet. We must wait for the lab results...a week or maybe more. 

Home again I get a call, my sister from California, asking what is going on with my brothers house...a message posted on facebook has concerned her. I tell her I don't know since I am no longer on facebook but that I'll investigate and get back to her. I call my sister-in-law...oh lord, this poor family can't catch a break...their house has been in foreclosure for a few months but after getting laid off, my brothers' health issues, and subsequent surgery she returns home for some much needed sleep to find out they have to vacate the property by the 16th...like three days from now. To say that she is beyond stressed out is a serious understatement. The poor girl is about to lose it, literally. I tell her that her only job is to get some sleep that I will take care of the other arrangements. I call have a dozen people, coordinate with my 'dad' and we come up with a plan of action. Saturday we will all meet up, pack and move their belongings to a storage unit and they can stay with my mom or other friends until they are back on their feet. 

Simple enough...but I know beyond the surgery, which I am so thankful for things going as quickly and as well as they did, beyond the pending move, there is still a beyond that is unknown for my family...a beyond that we may not be prepared for or are completely prepared for...it is beyond the threshold, hidden from us for today...

What does the beyond hold in store for us? 

Change, when it comes, cracks everything open

 

Today began as normal, tending to my children and getting my husband out of the door, lunch in hand, to work. The day was progressing as normal too, kids needing breakfast, snacks, lunch, nap, diaper changes, nursing, playing, fighting, fussing, joys and frustrations...just a normal day in my busy life. And then came the phone call from out of the blue (I don't hear from too many people during the week), a semi-frantic sister calling to tell me about my brother undergoing further testing at the hospital for what appears to be some type of mass in his brain.

um, WHAT?!?

She realizes rather quickly that this is the first I'm hearing of the situation and begins to apologize profusely for blurting it out so abruptly. I tell her not to worry about it, allow her to fill me in on what she knows and then I call my mom. At this point all they know is my brother had been having a migraine for the past couple weeks and his wife finally got him to go to the ER. My brother has always hated....no, LOATHED....hospitals, he associates them with death and so it's always been a battle to get him to go even if his limbs were hanging at an awkward angle due to being obviously broken. While in the ER someone mentions that he had been slurring his words and when they ran a CT scan they found a mass...a very large mass. The doctors run an MRI and then transfer my brother to a different hospital to undergo surgery in the morning. All they can tell us is it's big and they are worried about the pressure it's putting on his brain so they want to get it out, get it biopsied and get him back to health. As far as the scans go the mass appears to be cystic and non-cancerous, but they cant say that for sure until they get it out and run the pathology of the thing.

As soon as my husband got home my sister comes and picks me up and we head to the hospital. My poor brother, still in pain and stuck in a place he is scared to death of, looks at me and nearly starts to cry. I'm the big sister and he looks so little to me as he lays in his hospital bed with IV's running meds into his tired body...of course the stubborn ass won't try to sleep he's so overwhelmed by the events of the last 12hrs. The assistant doc for the neurologist comes in to go over some basic information and answer what questions she can, then she takes the few of us there out to the computer to show us the images they captured earlier...I get a look, there is a cystic portion but then there is also a solid portion that makes up approx a quarter of the total size and the sinking feeling enters my stomach. After working in a radiology facility for a couple years you learn what things look like when they are unhealthy. I push the thought aside and return to my brothers side as the others stay to ask questions. He confides that he's worried as hell and his tears finally well-up and spill over sibling to sibling. I try to reassure him that the surgery will go okay and that it has to so we can pick on the baby brother when he returns from Afghanistan. He nods. I ask him if I should have a priest come visit, he says no and when I say that it may make him feel better since he's so worried he gives me a final, "That's the last thing I want right now"....which tells me he has one more thing to be angry with God for and I shouldn't push it. I say ok and then hug him, tell him I love him and that if I could I'd take away the pain I would. Everyone else comes back into the room and our "alone" time is over.

My sister brings me back home and all I keep thinking is not my brother, damn kid is only 29, let surgery go well, please not cancer....my world is cracking and there is a wait ahead of us as we see if any lasting damage will be done, as we wait for pathology results, as we wait for God's will to be done.

John Jr., Jessica and Jeremiah 2002

MAD WORLD

All around me are familiar faces 

Worn out places, worn out faces  

Bright and early for the daily races  

Going nowhere, going nowhere

 

Their tears are filling up their glasses 

No expression, no expression  

Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow 

No tomorrow, no tomorrow

 
And I find it kind of funny, 

I find it kind of sad  

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had 

I find it hard to tell you, 

I find it hard to take  

When people run in circles

 its a very, very Mad world, mad world

 
Children waiting for the day they feel good  

Happy birthday, happy birthday 

And I feel the way that every child should 

Sit and listen, sit and listen

 
Went to school and I was very nervous  

No one knew me, no one knew me  

Hello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?  

Look right through me, look right through me

 
And I find it kind of funny, 

I find it kind of sad  

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had  

I find it hard to tell you, 

I find it hard to take  

When people run in circles its a very, very  

Mad world, mad world, 

enlarging your world  

Mad world

Bittersweet Milestones

I love babies!
I love being a mom!

I love the new little people that are created through the love of their parents. The new baby smell amazes me and is so calming (somehow they all manage to smell the same when they're brand new). This little being who is completely reliant on others and who loves/trusts unconditionally, they really show us without doing a thing other than being what we should all strive for in life. That is completely loving, trusting and yes even reliant on others so as not to become self-centered and egotistical but to always strive to be the best we can and to help others be the best persons they can be. Sure I can do without the spit-up, drool, poop and the colic I really don't care for...overall though babies are the best thing in life.

Somethings on this journey, however, are bittersweet. Watching babies grow is miraculous....I don't care what anyone says I enjoy finding miracles in the simplest things in life and even with the biology/science behind it the way everything works in our bodies is miraculous! This little infant who goes from not being able to do anything but breathe, suckle, pee/poop and mostly sleep to holding their heads up, grabbing things, mouthing things, crawling, sitting, standing, walking, talking, somewhat independent toddlers (in no particular order). These little milestones are truly bittersweet and remain so for the rest of our lives. Bitter because we remember and in some ways miss the baby, the smell, something cute that stands out from those precious moments, the reality of the fact that the baby will one day become an adult and no longer be living at home or the milestone itself may be what we miss...seeing the wonderment and look of achievement on our little ones face. Sweet because it's a moment when a "FIRST" has taken place and we only get so many of those in our life.

Simon has been crawling for a few months, pulling up on the furniture for a month and a half and today he cut his first tooth. Next stop walking and table food...they grow too fast!

Simon's first tooth (7 months)

LACK OF...

CONTROL 

 Don't you mess with a little girl's dream

'Cause she's liable to grow up mean

Surprised you to find that I'm laughing?
You thought that you'd find me in tears
You thought I'd be crawling the walls
Like a tiny mosquito and trembling in fear

Well you may be king for the moment
But I am a queen understand
And I've got your pawns and your bishops
And castles
All inside the palm of my hand

While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me

I was taking control

Now I have taken control
Now I have taken control...

This is beginning to feel good
Watching you squirm in your shoes
A small bead of sweat on your brow
And a growl in your belly your scared to let through

You thought you could keep me from loving
You thought you could feed on my soul
But while you were busy destroying my life
What was half in me has become whole

While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me

I was taking control

Now I have taken control
Now I have taken control...

So this is how it feels
To breath in the summer air
The feel the sand between my toes
And love inside my ear
All those things that you taught me to fear
I've got them in my garden now
And your not welcome here

Come a little bit closer
Let me look at you
I gave you the benefit
Of the doubt it's true
But keep in mind my darling
Not every saint is a fool

While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me

I was taking control

Now I have taken control
Now I have taken control...

Don't you mess with me

Father: there has to be more to life than this, because in our
confrontation with a cold cold universe, there is something comical
to the idea that we can really impose our will on humanity-- power corrupts!

Daughter :
This is scaring me

Father and daughter 2:

Daughter : ...I live at the end of a 5 and 1/2 minute hallway

Father:
And at the end of it all lies of course the final
phenomenon of deterioration entropy, which is a predictable
disintegrations which the creative life ceases: everything has to fall apart.

Daughter:
Why are you always so serious?!