Stairs to ...?

We make so many decisions in life. Some of them stemming from events we could control. The rest of the decisions we make as a reaction to external happenings that we don't have control of.

Lately on my journey through life I feel as though I'm getting "the point", I "understand" my purpose and I am making "progress"...which, as soon as I make these connections, is followed immediately by "WHAT?!?", I don't "understand and Am I even on the "right road"?

I know that God draws straight paths with crooked lines...yet this makes no sense to my feeble little mind. I know better than to try to understand God though! All I'm trying to do is be happy and as peaceful as possible with my family, as well as have them the same way. Seeing as I can only control how I feel and react to situations it gets sticky sometimes. Relationships are NOT easy.

They are WORTH IT though. I am thankful that I have a loving husband who cares enough to worry...all the time. I may not ever truly understand it, but I am thankful for him. Life can be a tricky balancing act, trying to make sure all the pieces fall together just right (I'm glad I don't have that job, my apologies to our Father) looking back to the past, to the present and even looking forward life can be like stairways.

Some twist and turn, some lead no where, some go through doorways, some only lead to the door, some move on there own & are faster than walking, some are no longer useful...they all let us go up and down or round and round, they let us get on or stay off, move faster or yes even slower...just like the decisions in life.

Today started with me feeling like I was on the stairway towards heaven, I was getting there, making progress. Followed quickly by feeling as though I were caught in the middle of a staircase that had no beginning and no end, I had no where to go and no way to get there. (Luckily this didn't last long) And now I feel as if I'm walking round a bend and maybe through another door way to some unforeseen destination. The unknown for me is not so frightening. I have my Lord and know he'll take me by the hand or lift & carry me whenever I need Him.

I also have my family, my health and mostly happiness coupled with peace that fill my days (especially today). Although the shape of my stairs has gone through many changes today I am remembering to be thankful for the blessings and the small tribulations that I am confronted with from time to time.

Like my early post says: God Bless Today & may I remember these three words all the days that have yet to come.
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Friggin' Happiness Fairy

This morning I awoke refreshed and rejuvenated. It lasted a total of about 2.2 minutes until I showed the world I was awake and the world spit in my face, figuratively speaking of course. I let this affect my good mood for about ten or so minutes before I decided to b*tch slap the world and tell her she wasn't going to get me down today!

So far she's listened...and backed off.

I can only hope that my husband was truly reassured and if not here is a little gift for him...(hope you laugh hon)

I know we are all on a journey back home and sometimes we need to let go and laugh, live, love...that's somebody's wall art I'm sure and it sounds a little cliche but it's absolutely true. We can't always control our emotions within certain situations and sometimes our imaginations run away with us trying to keep up. Sometimes we do need to slow down, take a step back and evaluate how we are doing with ourselves and with those in our lives. Sometimes we need someone else to clarify our conclusions for us, and that's okay too.

A constant cloud over our heads is no good for anyone. We need to LAUGH at ourselves, at/with those in our lives, at all the things in life that really make no sense to anyone. We need to do this in order to heal, feel what it means to be happy, to make good and sometimes embarrassing memories. Laughing is one of the great gifts God gave us. We need to LIVE with ourselves, civilly with those around us and in our lives, doing the things we enjoy and yes some of the things we don't enjoy. We need to do this in order for God to truly reveal himself to us through our experiences of living. Through our relationships and even through the mundane day to day routines we find ourselves in. This is another great gift that God has given us freely. We need to LOVE ourselves, those in our lives, those we don't know who cross our paths, those who came before us and those who've yet to come. We need to love the world we inhabit and all of the creatures that have been placed in our care. We don't have to like all of it or the choices we or others make, but it is essential that we love the person, the creature the planet in order to keep things running smoothly and in this we also come to learn of God and our own relationship with Him. This is the GREATEST gift God has given us, without Love the others cease to exist.

So today while it started out looking rough and I had an option to roll with it and respond in turn with disgust or respond in Love and reassurance for my beloved. I hope I did a well enough job. I know at least that my day has been filled with laughter (shared with my boys), living (I rolled out of bed and have accomplished most on my to-do list), and love for my family (and my routine). Thanks to the Friggin' Happiness Fairy for making me smile and God Bless Today!

The blues have set in

Well its the third week of 2011 and I am missing the craziness of the holidays.

I know that sentence sounds a little crazy in itself, but nonetheless its true. I am missing the days getting shorter and the chill of the night air. The buzz of excitement as everyone prepares for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Advent and Christmas. The smell of wood burning in peoples' hearths when I step outside and the stillness of winter evenings. Sipping cocoa or coffee and oh the baking that takes place in my home during the season. Mostly I'm missing the excuse to be ever nearer with my family.

Even with my two boys and my husband the house seems too quiet after the visiting comes to an end. I guess I don't understand why we only take advantage (mostly) of the last three months of every year to be with our families. Sure we say they drive us insane but that's what families do and despite the annoyances there are such joyous memories that are made anytime we are together, even if the circumstances are not ideal...for instance in the event of funerals, despite the sadness the surrounds the moment there are conversations or stories of remembrance for the deceased that make everyone smile with warm and fuzzy feelings that can only be experienced in the bosom of our families.

I wish I had the means to gather, more often, everyone together. Especially those who live out of state who we don't see for years at a time. And so seeing as, for this moment at least, I have not the means to accomplish the things I long for most the blues have set in.
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Hadrien Turns Three!

Hadrien Thomas Gilliland

I can't believe it's been three years since my second son and miraculous baby came to join us in the world. After my first son Angel was lost (more on this later this year) I was told I had no chance of conceiving or carrying a baby to term ever again. After six years of trying for a baby with no results, even from the medical community, my husband and I took a trip. A pilgrimage with his mom (my mom) to Medjugorje to visit the shrine of Our Lady of Peace and to ask for our Holy Mother's intercession for a baby if it was God's will. A few weeks later after we came home we were blessed with child. Hadrien is my miracle baby...the child the doctor's said I'd never have. Three years comes and goes very fast and sometimes, usually during a tantrum, I miss him being a newborn...even though I had no idea what I was doing as a new mom. We all made it though.

Hadrien came to be through my second cesarean section which was performed by my OB/GYN Dr. Deanna Bullaro...I have to say here that I adore this wonderful woman. She knew I had wanted to try to deliver naturally, Hadrien was in no hurry to arrive though and I was left with a decision between surgery with a fill in doc whom I'd never met or surgery with my Dr. Bullaro, I chose her. She came in while they were prepping me, gave me a hug and said, "I know this isn't what you wanted, but we'll take care of you." Talk about being put at ease. I've never before nor since met a Doctor who is more concerned with patient care than the bottom line. I love her and continue to see her to this day. My Hadrien was born January 22, 2008 at 8:26 am, he was 6 pounds 15 ounces and 19 inches long. He was crying before they even truly delivered him, even before they sectioned all the fluid so he could take his first breath and I am happy to report he still has the best set of lungs and puts them to use regularly.

Before Liam was born I thought Hadrien was an easy baby...boy did I have it wrong, lol. His tantrums have changed only in respect to what they are being thrown over. The terrible two's are given new meaning once they turn into the tyrannical three's. Despite the tantrums Hadrien is a fun loving boy who loves Lightning McQueen and Thomas the Train. He is very observant and most of the time he is loving towards all members of the family. He is sensitive and requires a bit of comforting at times but is also very independent and as stubborn as his momma. His Gaga refers to him as "a bull in the china cabinet" and his Papa calls him "button pusher". Hadrien didn't get his first tooth until he was 13 months old and also started walking around the same time. He takes his time doing things and is more interested in electronics than potty training. Let me add he can work an iphone and the computer with little to no help but still wants mom and dad to dress him most of the time.

We celebrated his third birthday with a Thomas the Train theme and introduced him to his first pinata (Nino brought a pooh bear pinata, it didn't match but when Hadrien was brought home the nursery was filled with the Classic Pooh Bear everything, so it still fit). Hadrien had a blast with his cousin Stormie and was given his first swing set for the back yard, a car bean bag which he lounges in to watch movies or play games on the computer, and his very own potty chair complete with dumdum suckers as a reward and his own big boy underoos. (Again he has no interest. but we're still working on it).










Hadrien has been the healthiest in the family and the past three years have in some respects gone by far too fast for my liking. I remember bringing him home and nursing him. He had a thing for his binky which I let him get rid of at one. He loves his milk and everything that includes cheese. He has the best smile and the biggest blue eyes. He loves giving hugs and kisses most of the time and still calms down when I sing "Hush Little Baby" to him. I Love You Hadrien even when you're acting like a tyrant and I wouldn't trade you for anything other than who/what you are! I am blessed to have you as my son and hope that God grants you all that your heart desires.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MIRACLE BOY!

Oy Vey

Have you ever had one of those mornings where you just wish you could crawl right back under the warm covers and start the day over. Today is that day for me and Fridays are usually so joyful and carefree in my house. I get the most done on Fridays and we are all anxious for the weekend when the four of us get to be together. The boys are usually happy go lucky and full of a playful spirit...Fridays are normally Great days.

Today feels more like a Monday for me. I was awakened by my beloved at 7am and told Hadrien is on the computer, Liam's awake but barely fussing and I (he) have to go so get up. Wow. Normally this would be fine but at the same time I usually am eased into the waking up process by my three year old crawling on me or my husband saying I'm leaving and giving me a kiss. Not this morning. I've been awake for a total of ten seconds and already I'm off to a rough start.

I get up, go to the ladies and then into the kitchen to make the baby a bottle and turn on my coffee pot. As I'm doing this my husband is out the door, I didn't get my kiss before my beloved left but at least I told him to have a good day. I get the baby up and get him comfy then its a small battle to get the three year old off of the computer. He doesn't quite understand that in order to play a game you have to stay on that screen, instead he ends up opening 30+ browsers and clicking on who knows how many apps, its a wonder the thing doesn't crash on a more regular basis.

Anyway I get PBS on the television for him and he starts to settle in, but wait, he brings me his vitamins. No problem I give Hadrien his and after he pops it into his mouth I ask him to give Liam the other one. (He does-the day is looking up). I have Hadrien put the vitamins away in the cabinet and go to the other room for diapers, when I come back, 30 seconds later, Hadrien is eating cookies and has pulled out some cake mix. Joy I think. Here's battle number two. I wrestle the cookies away from him, remind him we will be having cake tomorrow for his birthday, fill the bar stool upside down on the table so he'll stay off the counters and ask if he would like eggy toast for breakfast. He says, "No, pancakes". I say ok and set to work finishing to load and start the dishwasher, then gathering ingredients, a bowl, etc. During this I realize that my beloved has once again put my coffee cup in the sink before I'm finished using it. (See I reuse my coffee cup a couple times, sometimes the whole week before giving it a thorough wash in the dishwasher) Frustrating to say the least, so I send him a text that I know he was trying to help and clear clutter (which is a daily battle) but that if it happened one more time I was seriously going to lose it.

I get the dishwasher running and Hadrien and I begin the measuring of ingredients for breakfast. He's doing well, maybe the day is really starting to look up after all. I turn to get the milk and turn back to a pile of mix on the kitchen floor and Hadrien licking the dry ingredients from a spoon *shrug* I don't get it. I ignore the mess and we finish up mixing and add blueberries for a change up. (It was that or bananas and Hadrien chose the blueberries). Momma makes the pancakes. Hadrien is pulling on me the whole time, "mom, hai pancakes, mom" repeat 50x's...I get his made first, doctor it up (butter and syrup) cut it into bite size pieces and serve. Get Liam set up in his high chair and after making another pancake serve him as well.

By this point Hadrien has pushed his plate away from him and I tell him to eat. He says, "No, Hai want milk" I said, "Not until you eat breakfast, you've already had a cup this morning" He throws a tantrum, I send him to his room. When he comes back out he refuses to eat his pancakes, I let him know there will be no other food or snacks of any kind if he doesn't eat. He attempts to get up, huffily, to the counter to finish eating and because he's being a fussy gus he falls and then screams. What can I do but comfort him and remind him we need to be careful.
Liam and I finish our breakfast, Hadrien again refuses, so be it -I'm tired of fighting over the meal and can stick by the no snacks, no problem.

All of this and its only 8:15am...I'm exhausted, I want to lay down and veg out but we have company tomorrow so I need to finish cleaning. First I have a baby bath to give and some morning dishes to get clean...maybe I'll be able to enjoy a cup of coffee before noon. Besides I get to repeat the above battle over two more meals...

Oy Vey! I want my covers, I want to restart today and if I can't restart today, I guess there's always tomorrow.
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Sleep Is For the Weak

I am currently involved in two projects that, although time consuming, I absolutely love doing. The first has a deadline that will come and go and the second will hopefully last a very long time! Both were started at relatively the same time and so I am a bit sleep deprived at the moment.

Baby showers...one of my favorite things to plan; along with weddings and those showers. Currently I am helping to plan and execute a baby shower for a bouncing baby boy who will be born to my husbands cousins wife shortly after the shower is over. I was up late putting together invitations...I'm not big on the already made, fill in the blank, store bought invitations, NO. I like to pull out my creative and computer skills so that I can hand make them. Kinda scrapbook-y...but so much more personal than the first I mentioned. Between the invites (which I finished in just a few five hours), the shopping (which may be handled by Nana) and throwing the games together we're pretty much prepared. Those invites are more time consuming than the rest of the party planning, but again, so worth it!

The second endeavor I've taken on is writing, yes, handwriting, to a very nice lady who used to attend my parish but recently moved clear across the country, we'll call her M. So I have a pen pal...
Let me just say that the fact of our schools no longer teaching cursive in schools is horrendous, absolutely an awful and possibly the worst thing that could ever happen along with at least a dozen others that I can think of right this second.

Since it has been ages, I'm talking fifteen years - until a few months ago, since I've handwritten any kind of correspondence to any one person for any reason, we'll say I'm a bit sloppy. Not only is my penmanship awful, but my handwriting etiquette truly has failed me. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, I don't know, but that is how I feel. Technology has it's place in our society, but there is truly something more personal in receiving or sending a handwritten letter. You just can't express the emotion you feel while writing in an email, text, or even a blog post. For some reason though it comes through in the handwritten letter or postcard. I love the written language and so much has been lost already in our society that I felt moved to refresh myself and my skills through practice. A few months ago I started by writing my sister (in-law) Ruthe to tell her how proud I am of what she accomplishes each day in just being herself...this led to my longing for more. Like I said before M. moved across the country, I'm in AZ and she is currently in NC, we would talk a little here and there when we'd see each other in passing and she's sweet as pie but we really don't know each other. What better way to have a pen pal, I mean if it can't be a lifetime friend, than who better than an almost stranger who at the very least shares the faith with you.

After I finished the invitations, I finished my first letter to M. and finally made it to bed about 2 am. My precious boys never, NEVER sleep past 7 am (if I'm lucky), so I'm running on empty today and the saying holds true today especially, Sleep is definitely for the Weak! I am very excited though to have both of these projects, they are things that I love and so with that said it's worth it!

Where is our focus?

It is said:
When one door closes, another is opened or when one door is closed, God opens a window.

These are words of wisdom usually given to others or received by others in times of trial and they definitely have there place in our lives, since we can't seem to stay focused in our daily lives for more than a few minutes at any one given time. In the twenty first century everyone and I do mean everyone is constantly plugged in. Whether we are watching television or listening to the radio, on our work/home desktop/laptop computers or on the web via our cell phones, emailing, talking to (on rare occasions face-to-face), instant messaging, facebooking, etc. We are in a constant state of, for lack of better words, chaos. In my previous post I spoke of being compassionate for all of our brothers and sisters...this is and always will be true. I am currently wondering how this can be accomplished when we can't seem to focus and enjoy one tasks at a time in our busy-ness of living. Multitasking has its place in our society and serves a very good purpose when utilized correctly. However, somewhere in the past fifty or so years lost sight of the true purpose of multitasking, instead we've crammed so many things on our to-do lists that if you don't multitask then you fail miserably. This isn't the way to LIVE. It may very well be the way to die...afterall in the past fifty years or so how many more ailments have been invented, yet no one is stopping to really take a look at what's causing the problems...No one is FOCUSING on life. The simple tasks of being with family, taking in some nature, gardening, rolling in the grass, playing ball in the street, writing letters and sending them via snail mail, etc. Sure some of these things used to be done out of necessity rather than because they were enjoyable, but really aren't all of us longing for more in our lives. More time to do the things we love or spend time with our loved ones. Helloooooooo....when will we wake up and grab hold of the opportunities we take for granted everyday and walk through that open door to really and truly start living.

I'm READY!!!

A Little Perspective

I'll probably catch some heat for this one but I feel it's worth it. As most people across the nation have by now heard there was a tragedy in Tucson, AZ over the weekend. A boy made a horrible decision to bring a loaded gun to a Town Hall type gathering where a beloved congresswoman was speaking & where her friends/supporters/innocent passersby were in attendance. The boy decided it was necessary (for reasons we may never know) to shoot these people. Some have since died, some are still in critical condition, others are traumatized but physically okay. In listening to the local news (I am in AZ) or in reading reports of the events I have heard about the heroism, strength & also the losses. Condolences that have poured in, prayers, support coming from around the world. The amazing doctors, first responders, etc who are in charge or have had contact with the injured & are doing their parts to bring about healing. I've heard from the media all about the goings on in the justice system & how they will attempt to bring justice "healing" to the man (others) who are responsible for the horrendous act committed. I agree that justice must be served & all the prayers/condolences are needed for the victims...

Here's where the heat will come in...This boy (yes he's just a boy 22 years on this earth is hardly any time at all) & his family also need our prayers. He is hurt, suffering & misguided. He is still someone's son & I'm sure his mother is hurting at this time also. The boy needs help, whether it's sitting in a prison til the day he dies or being sent to the state hospital for that help...he needs help as does his family!

We as a people...the same lot...humankind need to step in & love our brothers & sisters, especially when we don't understand their actions. I'm sure there were many warning signs that something was amiss before this tragedy, there almost always are. I know that loving those who sin against us isn't ever easy, but until we can do this the peace in the world will always remain just out of our grasp.

I can only imagine how lonely this boy & his family feel right now. I pray for the victims, their families, their friends but I especially am praying right now for the boy, his family, his friends & hope that if there was anyone else acting with him they will feel remorse & do what is right by turning themselves in to the authorities. I pray that the boy & his family get the help they need, that he feels remorse for his actions, & that all involved may find forgiveness & love in the mist of all the heartache.

New Beginning or Unraveling

It's a new year, 2011 and my start has been...


well...


bumpy to say the least.

My husband and my two young boys have been ill since Christmas Eve, come to find out they are all suffering from ailments that have to do with their lungs. Bronchitis & sinusitis for the older, RSV & a double ear infection for the middle & just plain RSV for the youngest. I am surprised that I have not been afflicted with any germs since I have been stuck in the house with them all. I am also exhausted.

It's not easy being the only one with decent health in a home full of sick people. I don't know how others do it. Between feedings, diaper changes, delivering medications, giving baths, wiping noses, etc I am lucky to use the restroom & enjoy a cup of coffee at nap time. It's not just the physical parts that are exhausting, it also weighs heavily on my mind and emotional state. I worry that the coughs aren't getting better (so it seems) and what this may mean; if anything. I wonder about the regular chores I've yet to accomplish and just how backed up I'll be once everyone is better.


Then there is the monetary aspect that has entered the picture after a trip to the ER and two doctor visits; knowing full well that health insurance benefits just renewed and we have a large deductible to once again cover out of pocket. Not to mention regular bills, tuition for my husband, the car registration that is due in less than a week, a fence that needs to be repaired (after a storm back in October the fence didn't make it and we've yet to have the work completed; long story), a car that is leaking oil and needs to be fixed...you see I hate money and it's hard enough when we're already on a budget (a tight one), we don't have much debt (but enough), and getting ends to meet is a fun, tight rope act each month...let alone when the unforeseen happens and suddenly you're left with not much of anything. Oh, the stress.


So here I sit...a lot going on for the beginning of a new year and the life we've struggled to create for ourselves and then maintain which isn't lavish but comfortable, seems to be slowly unraveling around me. I'm sure the Lord has a plan in all this, maybe we're not meant to live comfortably, maybe we need to struggle (I'm not sure). I need to trust in Him that He is providing for us and will continue to do so.

I guess in this unraveling I will have a new beginning, a tradition to start, which will be to start a God box, any stresses or worries or prayers that need to be said will be written down and put in the box and after that I will not allow myself to fret over it anymore since I will have offered it up to the Lord. In this act may I remember that I am not alone and that we are being cared for. Maybe I can even offer this to others struggling and it can offer us all some peace. See there is a silver lining after all.
OK 2011, bring it on...my Lord and I have got this! :)

My Baby is One!

Liam Marcus Gilliland

A year ago today I awoke with a very pregnant body, showered, dressed and went to Banner Gateway hospital to be prepared for my third cesarean section. A very few short hours later my husband and I were taken into the operating room and just nine minutes after the surgery began my third son Liam was born. It was December 28, 2009 12:39 pm and he was 6 pounds 3 ounces and 19 inches in length...he arrived much as his older (living) brother Hadrien, screaming his beautiful, slightly deeper, it's cold, put me back baby cry. Once again I was overcome with being blessed a mother and this time was a little different. In fact all three have there distinct differences. Instead of waiting til the baby was stable in the NICU and I was stable out of recovery to see him or waiting til the baby was cleaned up and swaddled to see him; the nurse this time simply wrapped a receiving blanket around him and had wiped his face slightly then brought him over to say hi. He heard my voice and his crying slowed for just a moment. It was a moment that I know I will hold in my heart for the rest of my days...the moment we saw each other face to face.

Since that moment many milestones have been met and a few worries have come and gone. We had an early worry come up when Liam's newborn screening came back with an indication that his thyroid wasn't working. After many test including blood draws, xrays, an ultrasound and a nuclear medicine study (not at all fun for an adult let alone a brand new baby) and after many more prayers we discovered that mommy dearest (me) has Grave's disease and Liam's developing body had simply put up blockers to prevent him from getting to much of my hormones. It just took a little over a month for his body to adjust and realize that it was no longer in harms way. I am happy to report that his thyroid works just right now and he is as healthy as can be. Thanks Be to God!!

Liam also has a very different temperament than his brother. He is as his Gaga (grandma Kathy) calls him a turtle. He is fearless and very easy going. He doesn't mind just sitting and watching and learning. I'll comment more on Hadrien and his temperament in a later post. Liam has developed some skills much faster than Hadrien and its no doubt due to having his older brother to watch and learn from. Liam began walking at ten months, he cut his first teeth at nine months and has easily transitioned from breast feeding to the bottle to solid foods. He hardly ever cry's and just recently received his first of many ouches, a fat lip from losing his footing and not quite catching himself before being met with the tiled floor. His quickness at picking up new skills astounds me and of course his first word "dada" at three months came as no surprise...even if I did have a little twinge of jealousy which quickly passed.

We celebrated his first Easter before he could help to decorate the eggs, this coming Easter will be fun with two boys making dye messes! Liam's first Halloween came and went without the favorite mommy past-time of dressing up and trick-or-treating...again the coming year we're going all out. He loved his first Thanksgiving turkey meal at home with Papa (grandpa Bill) and Gaga, mom and dad and his brother. And Christmas was celebrated in Douglas with Nana (grandma Barb) and Tata (grandpa Hal), his uncles, mom and dad, brother and many more extended family members. Unfortunately after Christmas Hadrien and daddy were very sick and so we celebrated his first birthday quietly at home, just the four of us, a cake and a small present of toy cars. He loved it...especially the cake...and wasn't shy about digging in.

This first year of his life I am happy to say was filled with many blessings. It is true that a mother and father love there children the same, there is no doubt that our love for each is also different. I wouldn't have it any other way. May God continue to bless my boy abundantly and I Love You Liam...

Happy Happy Birthday to my baby boy!

Not tonight

At the end of this very long day that seems to have just dragged and dragged and I feel like I'm covered in goop and gunk knowing I still have a few hours left before it truly is done...before anyone comes in to have the conversation I know is inevitably going to happen, all I want to say is:

Soon we'll be found (lyrics)

Come along it is the break of day
Surely now, you'll have some things to say
It's not the time for telling tales on me

So come along, it wont be long
'Til we return happy
Shut your eyes, there are no lies
In this world we call sleep
Let's desert this day of hurt
Tomorrow we'll be free

Let's not fight I'm tired can't we just sleep tonight
Don't Turn away it's just there's nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we're lost but soon we'll be found

Well it's been rough but we'll be just fine
Work it out yeah we'll survive
You mustn't let a few bad times dictate

So come along, it wont be long
'Til we return happy
Shut your eyes, there are no lies
In this world we call sleep
Let's desert this day of work
Tomorrow we'll be free

Let's not fight I'm tired can't we just sleep tonight
Don't turn away it's just there's nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we're lost but soon we'll be found

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

When will I learn to keep my big mouth shut? All I want in life is to be understood, yet each time I say what is on my mind...well it just comes out wrong or maybe it comes out right but the response is not what I want to hear. I want for someone to ask me more than, "How are you". Because the answer I almost always give is I'm fine. And I am fine or good most days, but there is so much more to who I am than how I am.

My days are filled with Mommy things. Wake up, change diapers, make breakfast, clean up breakfast, change diapers, play, clean up toys, make lunch, pay bills, clean up lunch, change diapers, lay the kids down for naps, maybe take a break and read or play on the computer or housework, kids wake up, change diapers, have a snack, clean up the snack, play, pick up toys, comfort the crying, make dinner, watch some tv, maybe clean up dinner, go to bed and for the most part repeat.

But this is not what defines me, these are just things I do. I am emotionally deprived at the moment. Not that I am without feeling only that I have no outlet for what I feel. I don't know how to remedy this problem...today at least. Instead I continue to chug along and have some glimmer of hope that the answer will smack me in the head.

Until then, I guess I'll try to learn to hold my tongue. Someone please, pass the cherry!

I Believe...

"Know you what it is to be a child?...It is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief; it is to be so little that the elves can reach to whisper in your ear, it is to turn pumpkins into coaches, and mice into horses, lowness into loftiness, and nothing into everything, for each child has its fairy godmother in its soul."--Francis Thompson

I do believe in fairies, I do, I do!!

One thing in my life I have control over and am very proud to hold dear to me...my imagination, and with it I am determined to remain a child at heart til the day I am called home.
With nothing more than my mind I am able to travel to distant lands.
Some that truly exists in this world and some that are only accessible to those who believe.
I have been known to speak with animals...not dogs and cats but hoofalummps and whizletgoords and while the first you think sounds familiar it is not what you are thinking I can assure you.
I can travel only backwards through time and space and yes I can fly without flapping my arms or twirling my legs.
I have met the prettiest princesses and the most handsome princes that have ever or will ever be and I know what they dine on in Diddletaytee.
In my world of make believe
there really is nothing that I can't achieve or bring into being.
My children too seem to have this great gift and I can't wait to introduce them
to Glideent the Grift!

There are lots of Old things we don't know!

Many Many things in this world, in my state, my city, my neighborhood, heck even in my family I know not of. The stories from some of my grandparents I was never given the opportunity to hear or was so young at the time that I don't recall them now. I don't know how people survived the Great Depression and cannot fathom the poverty they lived in as our times are so filled with technology and we want for nothing. I don't know how to sew very well, how to really work just to get through everyday tasks (cooking, cleaning etc) although I can complete the tasks in approximately 15-30 minutes tops. I miss being a child for the games we would come up with just to pass the time. The simpleness of it all...many things of years past are lost or we are losing them because nowadays its all about quicker, faster, now gratification...we are missing out on seeing gardens grow and then putting those foods onto our tables. We have been given many gifts in the way God created our little planet and we are taking them all for granted. There are lots of old things that I know not of, I just hope we stop and take the time to learn/relearn some of them before they are lost forever.

Clearly Seen and Deeply Felt

In this life we have many relationships. Some are no more than chance encounters where we make yet another acquaintance, where others develop into more...be it a friendship, lover, someone we depend on for certain things, secret sharers, etc. Many of these relationships leave us wanting more. More time, more conversation, more memories. We have this constant longing for more out of this life and more out of the people around us who are very much or very little a part of this life.

I have found on many occasions that I feel let down by others for the simple matter of not feeling as though I am being seen or heard (depending on the situation). How many times in my life have I been asked how I am only to be cut off mid answer as the person asking me has something "more important" to add. And likewise how many times have I asked someone how they are and before they get the full answer out I've cut them off and moved on to another topic. You see it is much easier to move on than to stop and listen to what those around us are saying, because then if they say something that requires some action on our part (even if its simply showing some empathy) we don't hear them and therefore need not act. How selfish of us all...we too know what it feels like after having a seemingly long conversation with someone, walking away, and then thinking "what did we just talk about? what did they say? did they really understand what I was trying to tell them? do they care?"

This also takes place when we feel as though we are being judged or when we are the ones doing the judging. Since we are all different with regard to the way we not only look but the way that we think and perceive events we don't 100% understand others points of views. We can empathize, sympathize, etc but we cannot completely immerse ourselves in the other persons shoes since our own vision is clouded by our experiences, knowledge, etc. The saying, "You shouldn't walk around with Rose colored glasses" comes to mind...mine are not usually rose colored but more of a charcoal (around the edges) blending with a baby blue and the very center is a mix of mint green and alternating shades of red, dandelion yellow, white and sometimes blacks or purples...I think people in general have a shade of glasses they put on for most every occasion/encounter they have, I know I do. But since we all have this veil over our eyes we very rarely see others in the light which God made them/us/me to be seen.

How many times have I done these very same things to the One whom I should have the strongest relationship with? I know that He is the only one who truly knows me...who is the most patient with me...the most gracious. And yet time and time again I cut Him off and ask Him (not to politely) to wait, and wait He does or I turn away because I don't want to see Him (Him seeing me-not possible) and still He stands firmly next to me or carries me and waits some more. This amazes me and yet I continue to forget that He is truly the only one who knows me and who can fill the longing like no other being can...COMPLETELY!

I must continually strive to better myself and to place my trust where it belongs, with God. By doing this and continually running back to His arms, by sitting silently in His presence at Holy Eucharist, Mass and in my personal prayer, by training myself to hear Him and to have an open dialogue with Him may I learn to do the same in my other relationships. My relationship with the Trinity is by far the best one I've got going and I learn something new most everyday from Him. He will allow us all to be clearly seen and deeply felt if we just allow Him access to our hearts. And by doing this one, seemingly simple act of allowing Him access to our hearts may we also stay open in our other relationships so that we can clearly see each other, so we can truly be present to our fellow man and so that we might deeply feel and deeply be felt in unity, as God truly intended for us to be.

Inferior without your consent

The definition of inferior according to Wikipedia is this:

adj. - 1. Low or lower in order, degree, or rank.
2. a: Low or lower in quality, value, or estimation. b: Second-rate; poor.
3. Situated under or beneath.

n. - 1. A person lower in rank, status, or accomplishment than another.
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Why do we ever feel inferior to another person? After all we each have the commonality of being a part of the human race and each of us has issues with regard to our human condition. We all are imperfect, we must eat and drink (food that has some nutritional substance) in order to live, we all think that our problems should be resolved first. We all take things for granted at different times in our lives, sometimes we have no regard for our "neighbor"...I could go on and on.

This feeling of inferiority we have all felt at some time in our life, even if we didn't realize what we were feeling due to age, stature, etc. It goes right along with the feeling of inadequacy. Whether it is self-induced or brought on from someone else's expectations of who we are as a person is ultimately irrelevant. We suddenly feel as though the world is collapsing in on itself and there is nothing we can do to stop it except try to one up them the next time around and so it becomes a vicious cycle of I'm better than you, worse than you, better than you...something's gotta give.

We all need to realize that we are in this journey together. None of us is perfect. We need to stop feeling inferior to someone else because we think they are better (even if they are at some things). We need to stop judging each other based on our perceptions and just love each other for who we all are. And although some people have talents or are gifted in one area of their life does not make me inferior to them by any means. I have gifts and talents that my brothers know not of and they likewise have talents and gifts which I am completely unaware...why you ask...very simply put; We haven't taken the time to stop, see and ask for help on our journey.

You see the Truth is:

NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT!!!

Just One

I've been thinking...a lot lately it seems. From the simple, mundane, take for granted things: washing dishes, errands to run, laundry to do...to the complicated, I'll never truly understand, why's it so hard things: astrophysics, noetic science, God, life. Through all of this contemplation that goes on inside my wee head it amazes me, mostly, that I manage to make sense of any of it at all. Knowing myself, fairly well, I know that some of these things I truly will never understand although there maybe others in this world who will understand and also may at some point attempt to explain it to me. The parts I do understand and sometimes take for granted have led me to a very simple conclusion...in all of the places, in all the world, in the whole wide vast universe, out of every person to have ever lived or who will ever come into being, I am unique from everyone else. And even though I am just one girl, I am apart of a much bigger picture than I can even fathom and as I go through my small insignificant life I still leave a mark, we all do.

I may be just One, but...Just One Does MATTER!