Time stops for no one

So the summer has past and I have finally been told I have til the week of November 11th-15th until my mother leaves me (i know I'm selfish). It feels like she tapped out awhile ago though and at the same time the closer it gets the more distraught I become. I have no one without my momma. No one who sees me the way she sees me. Its my everything...what am I supposed to do? How do I let go?

Even when she disappoints me or frustrates me to high heaven I love her. She's my mom. She's going to miss out on so much and how do I cope with that? I survived the divorce, finding out about my biological father, a new marriage, the loss of my first child, becoming the black sheep of a family, many other deaths, a suicide attempt, my bipolar diagnosis and many other hardships because my mother was by my side...how will I survive without her here?

I have no one who truly understands or who will let me even get my fears off my chest and try to console me. I'm so lost right now and no one sees.

My Mother, My Lifeline

Mama and Simon 2012

My mother.

She gave me life. She taught me to live. She made sure I was strong, independent, loving, nurturing, hard at times, soft and caring in other times, she taught me to not be afraid (of much), to stand my ground, to hold on to what I loved most (i.e. my faith and my family) at all cost.

She has been my friend, my confidant, my biggest supporter, my worst enemy.

She is my mother.

Right now, I'm grief stricken and it's not like she's dying or suddenly gone (she's not) but soon she will be many states away and I don't know what I'll do without her here. I'll get by but it definitely won't be the same...as a matter of fact it hasn't been the same since her mom left us back in 2005 or was it 2002, I honestly can't remember exactly when my grandmother passed.

My momma has had many and still has many obligations...right now it is first and foremost to her husband. Being a wife myself I can understand this and at the same time I don't. Maybe it's selfish...but it's not for myself...I am thinking of my brother, barely 30 and suffering from a brain cancer that may take him at anytime, my grandfather 80 this year who's health is failing, my aunt (her closest sister -I think- who is going through the loss of a loved one herself, my children and my brother's daughter, then myself and even my husband who loves my mother dearly. I can't imagine life without her just down the street, 10 minutes away, should I need her. She has carried me and I'm sure at times my siblings through our own hurts and losses...she has filled us with hope, love, laughter, silliness, held us through our hurts, brokenness, and I don't know what to do or how to feel after the big move...it originally was a year that we were given to prepare, now it seems I have only until November, before the holidays to not only prepare myself but also my children for her departure.

I'm hollow.