My Baby is One!

Liam Marcus Gilliland

A year ago today I awoke with a very pregnant body, showered, dressed and went to Banner Gateway hospital to be prepared for my third cesarean section. A very few short hours later my husband and I were taken into the operating room and just nine minutes after the surgery began my third son Liam was born. It was December 28, 2009 12:39 pm and he was 6 pounds 3 ounces and 19 inches in length...he arrived much as his older (living) brother Hadrien, screaming his beautiful, slightly deeper, it's cold, put me back baby cry. Once again I was overcome with being blessed a mother and this time was a little different. In fact all three have there distinct differences. Instead of waiting til the baby was stable in the NICU and I was stable out of recovery to see him or waiting til the baby was cleaned up and swaddled to see him; the nurse this time simply wrapped a receiving blanket around him and had wiped his face slightly then brought him over to say hi. He heard my voice and his crying slowed for just a moment. It was a moment that I know I will hold in my heart for the rest of my days...the moment we saw each other face to face.

Since that moment many milestones have been met and a few worries have come and gone. We had an early worry come up when Liam's newborn screening came back with an indication that his thyroid wasn't working. After many test including blood draws, xrays, an ultrasound and a nuclear medicine study (not at all fun for an adult let alone a brand new baby) and after many more prayers we discovered that mommy dearest (me) has Grave's disease and Liam's developing body had simply put up blockers to prevent him from getting to much of my hormones. It just took a little over a month for his body to adjust and realize that it was no longer in harms way. I am happy to report that his thyroid works just right now and he is as healthy as can be. Thanks Be to God!!

Liam also has a very different temperament than his brother. He is as his Gaga (grandma Kathy) calls him a turtle. He is fearless and very easy going. He doesn't mind just sitting and watching and learning. I'll comment more on Hadrien and his temperament in a later post. Liam has developed some skills much faster than Hadrien and its no doubt due to having his older brother to watch and learn from. Liam began walking at ten months, he cut his first teeth at nine months and has easily transitioned from breast feeding to the bottle to solid foods. He hardly ever cry's and just recently received his first of many ouches, a fat lip from losing his footing and not quite catching himself before being met with the tiled floor. His quickness at picking up new skills astounds me and of course his first word "dada" at three months came as no surprise...even if I did have a little twinge of jealousy which quickly passed.

We celebrated his first Easter before he could help to decorate the eggs, this coming Easter will be fun with two boys making dye messes! Liam's first Halloween came and went without the favorite mommy past-time of dressing up and trick-or-treating...again the coming year we're going all out. He loved his first Thanksgiving turkey meal at home with Papa (grandpa Bill) and Gaga, mom and dad and his brother. And Christmas was celebrated in Douglas with Nana (grandma Barb) and Tata (grandpa Hal), his uncles, mom and dad, brother and many more extended family members. Unfortunately after Christmas Hadrien and daddy were very sick and so we celebrated his first birthday quietly at home, just the four of us, a cake and a small present of toy cars. He loved it...especially the cake...and wasn't shy about digging in.

This first year of his life I am happy to say was filled with many blessings. It is true that a mother and father love there children the same, there is no doubt that our love for each is also different. I wouldn't have it any other way. May God continue to bless my boy abundantly and I Love You Liam...

Happy Happy Birthday to my baby boy!

Not tonight

At the end of this very long day that seems to have just dragged and dragged and I feel like I'm covered in goop and gunk knowing I still have a few hours left before it truly is done...before anyone comes in to have the conversation I know is inevitably going to happen, all I want to say is:

Soon we'll be found (lyrics)

Come along it is the break of day
Surely now, you'll have some things to say
It's not the time for telling tales on me

So come along, it wont be long
'Til we return happy
Shut your eyes, there are no lies
In this world we call sleep
Let's desert this day of hurt
Tomorrow we'll be free

Let's not fight I'm tired can't we just sleep tonight
Don't Turn away it's just there's nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we're lost but soon we'll be found

Well it's been rough but we'll be just fine
Work it out yeah we'll survive
You mustn't let a few bad times dictate

So come along, it wont be long
'Til we return happy
Shut your eyes, there are no lies
In this world we call sleep
Let's desert this day of work
Tomorrow we'll be free

Let's not fight I'm tired can't we just sleep tonight
Don't turn away it's just there's nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we're lost but soon we'll be found

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

When will I learn to keep my big mouth shut? All I want in life is to be understood, yet each time I say what is on my mind...well it just comes out wrong or maybe it comes out right but the response is not what I want to hear. I want for someone to ask me more than, "How are you". Because the answer I almost always give is I'm fine. And I am fine or good most days, but there is so much more to who I am than how I am.

My days are filled with Mommy things. Wake up, change diapers, make breakfast, clean up breakfast, change diapers, play, clean up toys, make lunch, pay bills, clean up lunch, change diapers, lay the kids down for naps, maybe take a break and read or play on the computer or housework, kids wake up, change diapers, have a snack, clean up the snack, play, pick up toys, comfort the crying, make dinner, watch some tv, maybe clean up dinner, go to bed and for the most part repeat.

But this is not what defines me, these are just things I do. I am emotionally deprived at the moment. Not that I am without feeling only that I have no outlet for what I feel. I don't know how to remedy this problem...today at least. Instead I continue to chug along and have some glimmer of hope that the answer will smack me in the head.

Until then, I guess I'll try to learn to hold my tongue. Someone please, pass the cherry!

I Believe...

"Know you what it is to be a child?...It is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief; it is to be so little that the elves can reach to whisper in your ear, it is to turn pumpkins into coaches, and mice into horses, lowness into loftiness, and nothing into everything, for each child has its fairy godmother in its soul."--Francis Thompson

I do believe in fairies, I do, I do!!

One thing in my life I have control over and am very proud to hold dear to me...my imagination, and with it I am determined to remain a child at heart til the day I am called home.
With nothing more than my mind I am able to travel to distant lands.
Some that truly exists in this world and some that are only accessible to those who believe.
I have been known to speak with animals...not dogs and cats but hoofalummps and whizletgoords and while the first you think sounds familiar it is not what you are thinking I can assure you.
I can travel only backwards through time and space and yes I can fly without flapping my arms or twirling my legs.
I have met the prettiest princesses and the most handsome princes that have ever or will ever be and I know what they dine on in Diddletaytee.
In my world of make believe
there really is nothing that I can't achieve or bring into being.
My children too seem to have this great gift and I can't wait to introduce them
to Glideent the Grift!

There are lots of Old things we don't know!

Many Many things in this world, in my state, my city, my neighborhood, heck even in my family I know not of. The stories from some of my grandparents I was never given the opportunity to hear or was so young at the time that I don't recall them now. I don't know how people survived the Great Depression and cannot fathom the poverty they lived in as our times are so filled with technology and we want for nothing. I don't know how to sew very well, how to really work just to get through everyday tasks (cooking, cleaning etc) although I can complete the tasks in approximately 15-30 minutes tops. I miss being a child for the games we would come up with just to pass the time. The simpleness of it all...many things of years past are lost or we are losing them because nowadays its all about quicker, faster, now gratification...we are missing out on seeing gardens grow and then putting those foods onto our tables. We have been given many gifts in the way God created our little planet and we are taking them all for granted. There are lots of old things that I know not of, I just hope we stop and take the time to learn/relearn some of them before they are lost forever.

Clearly Seen and Deeply Felt

In this life we have many relationships. Some are no more than chance encounters where we make yet another acquaintance, where others develop into more...be it a friendship, lover, someone we depend on for certain things, secret sharers, etc. Many of these relationships leave us wanting more. More time, more conversation, more memories. We have this constant longing for more out of this life and more out of the people around us who are very much or very little a part of this life.

I have found on many occasions that I feel let down by others for the simple matter of not feeling as though I am being seen or heard (depending on the situation). How many times in my life have I been asked how I am only to be cut off mid answer as the person asking me has something "more important" to add. And likewise how many times have I asked someone how they are and before they get the full answer out I've cut them off and moved on to another topic. You see it is much easier to move on than to stop and listen to what those around us are saying, because then if they say something that requires some action on our part (even if its simply showing some empathy) we don't hear them and therefore need not act. How selfish of us all...we too know what it feels like after having a seemingly long conversation with someone, walking away, and then thinking "what did we just talk about? what did they say? did they really understand what I was trying to tell them? do they care?"

This also takes place when we feel as though we are being judged or when we are the ones doing the judging. Since we are all different with regard to the way we not only look but the way that we think and perceive events we don't 100% understand others points of views. We can empathize, sympathize, etc but we cannot completely immerse ourselves in the other persons shoes since our own vision is clouded by our experiences, knowledge, etc. The saying, "You shouldn't walk around with Rose colored glasses" comes to mind...mine are not usually rose colored but more of a charcoal (around the edges) blending with a baby blue and the very center is a mix of mint green and alternating shades of red, dandelion yellow, white and sometimes blacks or purples...I think people in general have a shade of glasses they put on for most every occasion/encounter they have, I know I do. But since we all have this veil over our eyes we very rarely see others in the light which God made them/us/me to be seen.

How many times have I done these very same things to the One whom I should have the strongest relationship with? I know that He is the only one who truly knows me...who is the most patient with me...the most gracious. And yet time and time again I cut Him off and ask Him (not to politely) to wait, and wait He does or I turn away because I don't want to see Him (Him seeing me-not possible) and still He stands firmly next to me or carries me and waits some more. This amazes me and yet I continue to forget that He is truly the only one who knows me and who can fill the longing like no other being can...COMPLETELY!

I must continually strive to better myself and to place my trust where it belongs, with God. By doing this and continually running back to His arms, by sitting silently in His presence at Holy Eucharist, Mass and in my personal prayer, by training myself to hear Him and to have an open dialogue with Him may I learn to do the same in my other relationships. My relationship with the Trinity is by far the best one I've got going and I learn something new most everyday from Him. He will allow us all to be clearly seen and deeply felt if we just allow Him access to our hearts. And by doing this one, seemingly simple act of allowing Him access to our hearts may we also stay open in our other relationships so that we can clearly see each other, so we can truly be present to our fellow man and so that we might deeply feel and deeply be felt in unity, as God truly intended for us to be.

Inferior without your consent

The definition of inferior according to Wikipedia is this:

adj. - 1. Low or lower in order, degree, or rank.
2. a: Low or lower in quality, value, or estimation. b: Second-rate; poor.
3. Situated under or beneath.

n. - 1. A person lower in rank, status, or accomplishment than another.
____________________________________________________________________

Why do we ever feel inferior to another person? After all we each have the commonality of being a part of the human race and each of us has issues with regard to our human condition. We all are imperfect, we must eat and drink (food that has some nutritional substance) in order to live, we all think that our problems should be resolved first. We all take things for granted at different times in our lives, sometimes we have no regard for our "neighbor"...I could go on and on.

This feeling of inferiority we have all felt at some time in our life, even if we didn't realize what we were feeling due to age, stature, etc. It goes right along with the feeling of inadequacy. Whether it is self-induced or brought on from someone else's expectations of who we are as a person is ultimately irrelevant. We suddenly feel as though the world is collapsing in on itself and there is nothing we can do to stop it except try to one up them the next time around and so it becomes a vicious cycle of I'm better than you, worse than you, better than you...something's gotta give.

We all need to realize that we are in this journey together. None of us is perfect. We need to stop feeling inferior to someone else because we think they are better (even if they are at some things). We need to stop judging each other based on our perceptions and just love each other for who we all are. And although some people have talents or are gifted in one area of their life does not make me inferior to them by any means. I have gifts and talents that my brothers know not of and they likewise have talents and gifts which I am completely unaware...why you ask...very simply put; We haven't taken the time to stop, see and ask for help on our journey.

You see the Truth is:

NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT!!!

Just One

I've been thinking...a lot lately it seems. From the simple, mundane, take for granted things: washing dishes, errands to run, laundry to do...to the complicated, I'll never truly understand, why's it so hard things: astrophysics, noetic science, God, life. Through all of this contemplation that goes on inside my wee head it amazes me, mostly, that I manage to make sense of any of it at all. Knowing myself, fairly well, I know that some of these things I truly will never understand although there maybe others in this world who will understand and also may at some point attempt to explain it to me. The parts I do understand and sometimes take for granted have led me to a very simple conclusion...in all of the places, in all the world, in the whole wide vast universe, out of every person to have ever lived or who will ever come into being, I am unique from everyone else. And even though I am just one girl, I am apart of a much bigger picture than I can even fathom and as I go through my small insignificant life I still leave a mark, we all do.

I may be just One, but...Just One Does MATTER!