Alone

NO...

Sure enough my previous fears have come to reality. My baby brother is 29 years young, has an almost four year old daughter, a wife with two teenage sons from previous relationships...and he's been diagnosed with Anaplastic Astrocytoma...stage 3 brain cancer.

I can only imagine from a mother's standpoint what my own mom is going through, let alone what my brother is going through. I can barely comprehend what I'm feeling so how much worse is it for any of them?

I've had two grandparents, one I was really close to, who fought and died from breast cancer. I have a grandfather, one we thought would die from the bottle, who may end up kicking the bucket from prostate cancer (diagnosed this past January). I have various aunts, uncles, cousins who've died after battling various types of cancer...so I am no stranger to this disease or the havoc it wreaks on the body.

But suddenly I feel so alone...

Is it the fact that it's my baby brother? I don't know. All I know is I am not taking this news well. My research has turned up, at best odds, a life expectancy of 5yrs tops...more likely between 18 months and 2.5 years...it's a death sentence. Don't get me wrong, I know from the moment of conception we are all on our way to our eternal life. We have no control over this, I myself have lost a son too early, I understand physical, untimely death better than anyone should. I trust in God, I trust in His ultimate plan for each of us...our free will withstanding.....sometimes my humanness takes over though and I'm suddenly a two yr old throwing a tantrum, kicking and screaming that it's NOT FAIR!!!

I want to talk about this, I want to have someone hold me and let me cry for as long as it takes to get it all out...I want to take this burden, this cross from my kid brother or at least to give him some sense of peace. But instead, I feel so alone...I'm on an island and I can't make the words come out of my heart or my head...I can't form a sentence to let anyone know what I'm going through, the internal struggle that's taking place within me...

I'M ALONE and my heart is aching.

Merry-Go-Round...Almost

When you're a child the sight of a carousel or merry-go-round brings nothing but a feeling of utter delight. The ride makes you feel weightless and carefree...this is the feeling of youth, no worries, no anxiety, just innocence in action.

As an adult you may remember that feeling...but you begin to associate the merry-go-round with routine or the never ending cycle of wake, work, eat, sleep and repeat. It's almost like a ride you become trapped on with no way off. Life seems to get the upper hand and the pressures of adulthood loom unbidden and sometimes unforgiving.

These past few days have been crazy insane to say the least. Everything has come crashing down around me and my family in a completely unexpected way. It's the merry-go-round from hell that we can't seem to escape and it's affecting each of us differently with some elements overlapping and drawing us together...those elements are the only things keeping us from ripping our hair out or worse, because we can at least be supportive as one goes up and the other goes down, we can laugh at the chaos and cry when we drop the last ball, we are present to each other now in a way that we always should be but usually fail at being.

FAMILY

During this time of crisis in my family I have to pause and count my blessings. My brother is sick and in the hospital, his wife is out of work but is scheduled to start a new job Monday (blessing), they are losing their house but brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends niece and nephew are all pulling together to make the move or give them a place to stay (blessing), and my husband...is my rock...has stepped up to take care of our boys, our house, all the mundane repetitive little things (making sure everyone is fed including me) and helping with the move, supporting me etc...(HUGE BLESSING)!!!!

It is true that Love begets Love. Every kindness that my brother has ever shown is being returned to him tenfold and he isn't fully aware of it just yet. There are so many people around the world praying for him and his family right now. I say around the world because not only is my local parish praying for them but he has been put on a prayer chain that reaches clear across the planet. Through actions that he can see and those he can't he and his family are being lifted up and I am thankful.

I am thankful for my sisters, the one who is here in town and those who are in a different state. For my other brother and his friends for pitching in and giving up their Saturday, last minute, to do a move in AZ in the middle of summer. I am thankful for my niece and nephew who are giving up some of their summer vacation to help tend my little ones so I can be free to make phone calls, be active in the move on Saturday, free to visit my brother. I am so thankful for the extended family...most of all, just above my husband, I am thankful, to God. This may not be the best situation but I know He is at work in all of our lives and it is all for the greater good, even if we don't understand it right now. I am thankful that He is in charge and that I can simply put all of this, the sadness, the worry, the gratitude, the joy, everything in His hands and whatever happens I know we all will be taken care of. I am thankful for the family, immediate, extended and otherwise that He has given me...I could do none of this without Him!

Beyond

My sister and I went to the hospital early this morning. My brother had a massive headache and had already been given quite a few medications and although he may not remember we went in to pre-op to let him know we were present and that we weren't going anywhere and that he would be okay. We caught up with other family members and after hours of waiting...

 the surgeon came out told us that the surgery was 'cake' (so to speak) and that he was able to remove all but 5% of the mass. He let us know what it looked like, the cystic portion being "popped" (ie. of no concern) and the solid mass being sent out for pathology. The 5% left was solid mass but he "didn't think" was cancerous. My brother woke, was able to talk and his strength was good. The power of prayer is a miraculous thing. I breathe a sigh of relief but I know that we aren't out of the woods just yet. We must wait for the lab results...a week or maybe more. 

Home again I get a call, my sister from California, asking what is going on with my brothers house...a message posted on facebook has concerned her. I tell her I don't know since I am no longer on facebook but that I'll investigate and get back to her. I call my sister-in-law...oh lord, this poor family can't catch a break...their house has been in foreclosure for a few months but after getting laid off, my brothers' health issues, and subsequent surgery she returns home for some much needed sleep to find out they have to vacate the property by the 16th...like three days from now. To say that she is beyond stressed out is a serious understatement. The poor girl is about to lose it, literally. I tell her that her only job is to get some sleep that I will take care of the other arrangements. I call have a dozen people, coordinate with my 'dad' and we come up with a plan of action. Saturday we will all meet up, pack and move their belongings to a storage unit and they can stay with my mom or other friends until they are back on their feet. 

Simple enough...but I know beyond the surgery, which I am so thankful for things going as quickly and as well as they did, beyond the pending move, there is still a beyond that is unknown for my family...a beyond that we may not be prepared for or are completely prepared for...it is beyond the threshold, hidden from us for today...

What does the beyond hold in store for us? 

Change, when it comes, cracks everything open

 

Today began as normal, tending to my children and getting my husband out of the door, lunch in hand, to work. The day was progressing as normal too, kids needing breakfast, snacks, lunch, nap, diaper changes, nursing, playing, fighting, fussing, joys and frustrations...just a normal day in my busy life. And then came the phone call from out of the blue (I don't hear from too many people during the week), a semi-frantic sister calling to tell me about my brother undergoing further testing at the hospital for what appears to be some type of mass in his brain.

um, WHAT?!?

She realizes rather quickly that this is the first I'm hearing of the situation and begins to apologize profusely for blurting it out so abruptly. I tell her not to worry about it, allow her to fill me in on what she knows and then I call my mom. At this point all they know is my brother had been having a migraine for the past couple weeks and his wife finally got him to go to the ER. My brother has always hated....no, LOATHED....hospitals, he associates them with death and so it's always been a battle to get him to go even if his limbs were hanging at an awkward angle due to being obviously broken. While in the ER someone mentions that he had been slurring his words and when they ran a CT scan they found a mass...a very large mass. The doctors run an MRI and then transfer my brother to a different hospital to undergo surgery in the morning. All they can tell us is it's big and they are worried about the pressure it's putting on his brain so they want to get it out, get it biopsied and get him back to health. As far as the scans go the mass appears to be cystic and non-cancerous, but they cant say that for sure until they get it out and run the pathology of the thing.

As soon as my husband got home my sister comes and picks me up and we head to the hospital. My poor brother, still in pain and stuck in a place he is scared to death of, looks at me and nearly starts to cry. I'm the big sister and he looks so little to me as he lays in his hospital bed with IV's running meds into his tired body...of course the stubborn ass won't try to sleep he's so overwhelmed by the events of the last 12hrs. The assistant doc for the neurologist comes in to go over some basic information and answer what questions she can, then she takes the few of us there out to the computer to show us the images they captured earlier...I get a look, there is a cystic portion but then there is also a solid portion that makes up approx a quarter of the total size and the sinking feeling enters my stomach. After working in a radiology facility for a couple years you learn what things look like when they are unhealthy. I push the thought aside and return to my brothers side as the others stay to ask questions. He confides that he's worried as hell and his tears finally well-up and spill over sibling to sibling. I try to reassure him that the surgery will go okay and that it has to so we can pick on the baby brother when he returns from Afghanistan. He nods. I ask him if I should have a priest come visit, he says no and when I say that it may make him feel better since he's so worried he gives me a final, "That's the last thing I want right now"....which tells me he has one more thing to be angry with God for and I shouldn't push it. I say ok and then hug him, tell him I love him and that if I could I'd take away the pain I would. Everyone else comes back into the room and our "alone" time is over.

My sister brings me back home and all I keep thinking is not my brother, damn kid is only 29, let surgery go well, please not cancer....my world is cracking and there is a wait ahead of us as we see if any lasting damage will be done, as we wait for pathology results, as we wait for God's will to be done.

John Jr., Jessica and Jeremiah 2002

MAD WORLD

All around me are familiar faces 

Worn out places, worn out faces  

Bright and early for the daily races  

Going nowhere, going nowhere

 

Their tears are filling up their glasses 

No expression, no expression  

Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow 

No tomorrow, no tomorrow

 
And I find it kind of funny, 

I find it kind of sad  

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had 

I find it hard to tell you, 

I find it hard to take  

When people run in circles

 its a very, very Mad world, mad world

 
Children waiting for the day they feel good  

Happy birthday, happy birthday 

And I feel the way that every child should 

Sit and listen, sit and listen

 
Went to school and I was very nervous  

No one knew me, no one knew me  

Hello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?  

Look right through me, look right through me

 
And I find it kind of funny, 

I find it kind of sad  

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had  

I find it hard to tell you, 

I find it hard to take  

When people run in circles its a very, very  

Mad world, mad world, 

enlarging your world  

Mad world