Amazing Grace - My Conversion Story

My name is Jessica Gilliland, and I am 32  years old. I was baptized a Catholic when I was between three and five years old; however, my parents weren't very active in the Church, so my upbringing was only dotted with Church attendance. Usually we attended for Easter and Christmas and my mom would take us to different non-denominational services since she couldn't get my adoptive dad to attend church at all...I guess he had no interest.

 

I do remember attending CCD (religious education) classes when it was nearing time for me to receive the Sacraments of Confession and First Communion but we moved before I completed the classes and my dad completely quick taking us to church at all. By this time my parents had been divorced for some years and even my mom no longer attended church services of any kind. So, I never had a real relationship with God, Jesus Christ or the Virgin Mary...I was very much a child of the world (for the lack of a better description). As a teenager, I began dabbling in the occult – using the ouija board with friends at sleep-overs, reading up on the spiritual realm(s), reading tarot for friends and myself. I had this constant void in my heart that I was desperately trying to fill, although I didn't realize it at the time.

To me, organized religion was fake – just one group of people (believers) trying to tell other people (non-belivers) how to live and what to believe/think/feel – it seemed to me like the blind leading the blind. I believed in what I called "a higher being," but I believed that everyone could believe/think/feel in whatever they wanted, however they wanted as long as no one was being hurt in the process.

When I met my husband, Andrew, in October of 2001, I had no idea what was in store for me. He and his family were devout Catholics. Because of our differences we (I....he would try to be calm cool and collected as he was trying to express his beliefs and at the same time plant the seed of TRUTH in my mind/heart...I was always, always, always defensive of my own position and vehemently detested anything said with regard to the TRUTH...so yes, I) would argue and have heated discussions about religion/faith/morals. Little did I know he and his mom (and I'm sure others) were praying and fighting for my soul.

I had friends at the time who called themselves witches, warlocks, madames, reiki gurus and who ran magic bookstores. I had mischievous "spirits" (that I thought were harmless) attached to me and around my home. I practiced tarot, what I called white magic, ouija on occasion, made attempts at astral projection, read many books on the spirit world, and performed spells for myself and others – all new age stuff that I didn't realize was new age.  On occasion, after many months and fights, I would attend Mass with my husband more to "shut him up" then out of any real sense of empathy, I was so selfish. Since I didn't completely understand, and I kind of believed a little of what I knew of as far as what the Church believed, I began to call myself a “Catholic witch.”

In 2002, shortly before my husband and I were wed civially, my "mischievous, harmless spirits" began to get out of hand (making doors breathe, and nagging me – giving me uneasy feelings). So, one night, Andrew said the exorcism prayer to St. Michael, and he told me he felt the biggest evil he'd ever known run through him. He described the experience by saying "I don't know what that was, but it was BAD; it flew through me from the floor and out the top of my head…it's gone.” Then it seemed to feel better in our home... But, it didn't last, and I, myself, became possessed...though what I later learned it was an actual oppression not a complete possession (Still scary, no matter what it's called!).

I left my husband in 2004, had a couple affairs, the longest which lasted for about seven months, and I was drinking myself into a stupor.  I don't remember much of this time, or the many conversations I had with my husband. We were trying to work things out. I didn't want to end up divorced like my parents, and I loved Andrew, even though I wasn't nice to him and didn't deserve him at all. In one of our talks, Andrew told me that I asked him to promise me his soul, regarding always being there for me, and said I had an awful snide look on my face. He of course said, “No,” and when I asked why not, he said it wasn't his to promise me. After that, he said that I became very displeased, but it just made him pray harder. (I also have a picture from this time.  I was looking in the bathroom mirror, and the picture was taken from behind me. The scariest part is that the reflection isn't mine!)

In 2005 Andrew gave me an ultimatum of sorts. He doesn't remember the words he used to speak to me, but I do.  I am convinced it was the Holy Spirit telling me that I was to make my final decision. It was the TRUTH, regarding who I was, and what I was doing, and how I was treating him and others – paraphrasing, I was in danger of losing myself completely to the evil one.  I was to: break off the affair(s); stop going to the bookstores and gatherings with the people associated with magic, and others with whom I would associate when drinking; go to marriage counseling; and go back to Church. If I did not agree, then we were to get a divorce.

So, something stirred in me – this was the beginning of my conversion.  I attempted to enroll in RCIA, but didn't follow through, and the void became worse...unbearable. But I continued going to counseling, and was diagnosed bipolar and started medication. I didn't realize that much of the time I was being attacked by the bad one in many forms. Then the attacks got worse, and, after a few months of these attacks, I realized I had to get to Church. I had to give God a chance to help me, in my twenty-four years of life it was the one path that I had not traveled. It meant I had to allow myself to ask for help (something that was unheard of), I had to be open to whatever may come (um, vunerable...me...eeek!), but I had to give God the chance otherwise how would I know if I could ever be healed.

It was August 2006, when I finally enrolled in RCIA at The Church of the Resurrection, and, in November, our marriage was con-validated (talk about a BLESSING...being married - truly married - in God's eyes, His house. Celebrating another Sacrament...did I mention it was a huge BLESSING!). My Mom (in-law) had started saving for her second trip to Medjugorje, and sharing her conversion story with me during this time. Through many prayers, it was Andrew, his mom, and I who were being called to take the pilgrimage. In April of 2007, I received all of my Sacraments, it was beautiful and three days later we were in Medjugorje!

Upon arriving, I felt a peace as I'd never known.  I experienced such love, and witnessed many miracles while on pilgrimage. I realized that the Blessed Mother had been calling to me for a long time, and that I had received many blessings throughout my life (usually when I was at my worst). I went to Medjugorje for three reasons: one, the Holy Mother called me to go; two, to thank God for loving me and sending my husband to me (without him & his family I'm sure I'd not be alive today); and three, to ask for Holy Mother’s intercession for a child. I'd also been diagnosed with PCOS during all of this, and had a son out of high school who passed away after a car accident (whole other story - found here). I was told by doctors I would have little to no chance of further children, and, in six almost seven years of marriage, there was no sign of ever being able to conceive.

My conversion began before our pilgrimage, but my heart was completely filled the next to last day of our trip. It was Divine Mercy week when we arrived, and, so, the Monday after Divine Mercy Sunday, we went to hear Father Jozo speak at Siroki Brijeg. He spoke of many amazing things, but the one part that most struck us was when he said something to the effect of, "We have all had many graces poured out on us yesterday, and how blessed are we...if you do nothing else while on this pilgrimage go to Reconciliation before you leave Medjugorje. Don't go home with the baggage you came with – otherwise, what is the point of the pilgrimage?  You have to be an active participant, in order to hear the Lord’s call, and to be able to live Our Lady's messages back home."

After this, Andrew looked at me and his mom, and said, "That's it – WE are going to confession!" When we got back to Medjugorje, we did go, and I don't remember Father’s name, but I think he was from Scotland.  As I explained briefly all that I had witnessed since being in Medjugorje, I asked about taking it all back home. I was worried that I would forget it all, or not be able to live the messages, once back in the States. He looked at me, and said, "It is human to have these worries, because we are constantly striving to be divine, but we never can be, because we are made in God’s image and we will always be human. Continue working towards it and be aware of the things that make us human." As I was leaving, he shook my hand and said, "Go – be happy and full of joy. You're OK, Jessica, and welcome aboard." Now many may read that, or hear it, and find it insignificant, but here's where the miracle lies – I wasn't wearing my name badge that day, and my name wasn't anywhere on my bag and I hadn't told him that I had just received my Sacraments a few days before. I also didn't know this priest!!!

You see this Sacrament, Reconciliation, is truly Christ speaking to you through His servant the priest, and you reconciling with Him and our Father! This moment was my TRUE conversion, and it took place in Medjugorje, and I was there because of Holy Mother! This moment was Jesus talking directly to me through His beloved priest,  letting me know that I was OK, and I was worthy to Him. I've never since had any doubt of where my soul belongs; I've never doubted the true power of prayer, of the graces given by God freely to all of us, especially through the Sacraments. I'm as human as the next person, and make mistakes here and there, but I now realize how easy the deceit from the evil one is to fall into, and how it’s just as easy to turn back to God, to trust fully in the Blessed Mother that she leads us to her Son, and that, even if I was the only one ever in the whole human race to ever have been created, Jesus still would've offered Himself up on the Cross for my Salvation, and that His Holy Mother would've been there guiding me to Him!           

Medjugorje holds a dear place in my heart, not only for this grace, but also, for the grace of becoming a mother myself! Hadrien Thomas Gilliland was conceived shortly after we went home, during Mary's month of May!  I am grateful to Medjugorje also for opening my family up to truly living the best we can by God’s Will, and not our own. My husband, Andrew, recognized a possible vocation to the diaconate while on this pilgrimage, and is currently in formation!  I came back home and became a RE teacher of first graders, the following year of the Special Sacraments classes and currently am on the core team for Life Teen. Andrew and I Lector and are Extraordinary Ministers of the Eucharist. I continue to work with RCIA and other projects as they come up and am also a ministry lead for the scheduling of EM's at our parish; still Resurrection!

 

So many blessings, so many fruits come from this village halfway around the world from us, and we are blessed to have been there. Thank you for calling us, Blessed Virgin Mary!!! To those reading these words, know that you matter to our Creator and while He will never interfer with the gift of free will He bestowed upon us, He desires that we desire Him, it's ultimately our choice. He doesn't "need" us but He loves us, created us and allows us to chose to return to Him. My prayer for believers and unbelievers alike is that they may feel and know the LOVE and PEACE of our Heavenly Father...it's Amazing Grace, Amazing Love, I have no words to adaquetly describe how GOOD the Lord is! We continue to pray for conversions, please keep us in prayer as well.  Peace and Love in Christ.