Stairs to ...?

We make so many decisions in life. Some of them stemming from events we could control. The rest of the decisions we make as a reaction to external happenings that we don't have control of.

Lately on my journey through life I feel as though I'm getting "the point", I "understand" my purpose and I am making "progress"...which, as soon as I make these connections, is followed immediately by "WHAT?!?", I don't "understand and Am I even on the "right road"?

I know that God draws straight paths with crooked lines...yet this makes no sense to my feeble little mind. I know better than to try to understand God though! All I'm trying to do is be happy and as peaceful as possible with my family, as well as have them the same way. Seeing as I can only control how I feel and react to situations it gets sticky sometimes. Relationships are NOT easy.

They are WORTH IT though. I am thankful that I have a loving husband who cares enough to worry...all the time. I may not ever truly understand it, but I am thankful for him. Life can be a tricky balancing act, trying to make sure all the pieces fall together just right (I'm glad I don't have that job, my apologies to our Father) looking back to the past, to the present and even looking forward life can be like stairways.

Some twist and turn, some lead no where, some go through doorways, some only lead to the door, some move on there own & are faster than walking, some are no longer useful...they all let us go up and down or round and round, they let us get on or stay off, move faster or yes even slower...just like the decisions in life.

Today started with me feeling like I was on the stairway towards heaven, I was getting there, making progress. Followed quickly by feeling as though I were caught in the middle of a staircase that had no beginning and no end, I had no where to go and no way to get there. (Luckily this didn't last long) And now I feel as if I'm walking round a bend and maybe through another door way to some unforeseen destination. The unknown for me is not so frightening. I have my Lord and know he'll take me by the hand or lift & carry me whenever I need Him.

I also have my family, my health and mostly happiness coupled with peace that fill my days (especially today). Although the shape of my stairs has gone through many changes today I am remembering to be thankful for the blessings and the small tribulations that I am confronted with from time to time.

Like my early post says: God Bless Today & may I remember these three words all the days that have yet to come.
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Friggin' Happiness Fairy

This morning I awoke refreshed and rejuvenated. It lasted a total of about 2.2 minutes until I showed the world I was awake and the world spit in my face, figuratively speaking of course. I let this affect my good mood for about ten or so minutes before I decided to b*tch slap the world and tell her she wasn't going to get me down today!

So far she's listened...and backed off.

I can only hope that my husband was truly reassured and if not here is a little gift for him...(hope you laugh hon)

I know we are all on a journey back home and sometimes we need to let go and laugh, live, love...that's somebody's wall art I'm sure and it sounds a little cliche but it's absolutely true. We can't always control our emotions within certain situations and sometimes our imaginations run away with us trying to keep up. Sometimes we do need to slow down, take a step back and evaluate how we are doing with ourselves and with those in our lives. Sometimes we need someone else to clarify our conclusions for us, and that's okay too.

A constant cloud over our heads is no good for anyone. We need to LAUGH at ourselves, at/with those in our lives, at all the things in life that really make no sense to anyone. We need to do this in order to heal, feel what it means to be happy, to make good and sometimes embarrassing memories. Laughing is one of the great gifts God gave us. We need to LIVE with ourselves, civilly with those around us and in our lives, doing the things we enjoy and yes some of the things we don't enjoy. We need to do this in order for God to truly reveal himself to us through our experiences of living. Through our relationships and even through the mundane day to day routines we find ourselves in. This is another great gift that God has given us freely. We need to LOVE ourselves, those in our lives, those we don't know who cross our paths, those who came before us and those who've yet to come. We need to love the world we inhabit and all of the creatures that have been placed in our care. We don't have to like all of it or the choices we or others make, but it is essential that we love the person, the creature the planet in order to keep things running smoothly and in this we also come to learn of God and our own relationship with Him. This is the GREATEST gift God has given us, without Love the others cease to exist.

So today while it started out looking rough and I had an option to roll with it and respond in turn with disgust or respond in Love and reassurance for my beloved. I hope I did a well enough job. I know at least that my day has been filled with laughter (shared with my boys), living (I rolled out of bed and have accomplished most on my to-do list), and love for my family (and my routine). Thanks to the Friggin' Happiness Fairy for making me smile and God Bless Today!

The blues have set in

Well its the third week of 2011 and I am missing the craziness of the holidays.

I know that sentence sounds a little crazy in itself, but nonetheless its true. I am missing the days getting shorter and the chill of the night air. The buzz of excitement as everyone prepares for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Advent and Christmas. The smell of wood burning in peoples' hearths when I step outside and the stillness of winter evenings. Sipping cocoa or coffee and oh the baking that takes place in my home during the season. Mostly I'm missing the excuse to be ever nearer with my family.

Even with my two boys and my husband the house seems too quiet after the visiting comes to an end. I guess I don't understand why we only take advantage (mostly) of the last three months of every year to be with our families. Sure we say they drive us insane but that's what families do and despite the annoyances there are such joyous memories that are made anytime we are together, even if the circumstances are not ideal...for instance in the event of funerals, despite the sadness the surrounds the moment there are conversations or stories of remembrance for the deceased that make everyone smile with warm and fuzzy feelings that can only be experienced in the bosom of our families.

I wish I had the means to gather, more often, everyone together. Especially those who live out of state who we don't see for years at a time. And so seeing as, for this moment at least, I have not the means to accomplish the things I long for most the blues have set in.
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Hadrien Turns Three!

Hadrien Thomas Gilliland

I can't believe it's been three years since my second son and miraculous baby came to join us in the world. After my first son Angel was lost (more on this later this year) I was told I had no chance of conceiving or carrying a baby to term ever again. After six years of trying for a baby with no results, even from the medical community, my husband and I took a trip. A pilgrimage with his mom (my mom) to Medjugorje to visit the shrine of Our Lady of Peace and to ask for our Holy Mother's intercession for a baby if it was God's will. A few weeks later after we came home we were blessed with child. Hadrien is my miracle baby...the child the doctor's said I'd never have. Three years comes and goes very fast and sometimes, usually during a tantrum, I miss him being a newborn...even though I had no idea what I was doing as a new mom. We all made it though.

Hadrien came to be through my second cesarean section which was performed by my OB/GYN Dr. Deanna Bullaro...I have to say here that I adore this wonderful woman. She knew I had wanted to try to deliver naturally, Hadrien was in no hurry to arrive though and I was left with a decision between surgery with a fill in doc whom I'd never met or surgery with my Dr. Bullaro, I chose her. She came in while they were prepping me, gave me a hug and said, "I know this isn't what you wanted, but we'll take care of you." Talk about being put at ease. I've never before nor since met a Doctor who is more concerned with patient care than the bottom line. I love her and continue to see her to this day. My Hadrien was born January 22, 2008 at 8:26 am, he was 6 pounds 15 ounces and 19 inches long. He was crying before they even truly delivered him, even before they sectioned all the fluid so he could take his first breath and I am happy to report he still has the best set of lungs and puts them to use regularly.

Before Liam was born I thought Hadrien was an easy baby...boy did I have it wrong, lol. His tantrums have changed only in respect to what they are being thrown over. The terrible two's are given new meaning once they turn into the tyrannical three's. Despite the tantrums Hadrien is a fun loving boy who loves Lightning McQueen and Thomas the Train. He is very observant and most of the time he is loving towards all members of the family. He is sensitive and requires a bit of comforting at times but is also very independent and as stubborn as his momma. His Gaga refers to him as "a bull in the china cabinet" and his Papa calls him "button pusher". Hadrien didn't get his first tooth until he was 13 months old and also started walking around the same time. He takes his time doing things and is more interested in electronics than potty training. Let me add he can work an iphone and the computer with little to no help but still wants mom and dad to dress him most of the time.

We celebrated his third birthday with a Thomas the Train theme and introduced him to his first pinata (Nino brought a pooh bear pinata, it didn't match but when Hadrien was brought home the nursery was filled with the Classic Pooh Bear everything, so it still fit). Hadrien had a blast with his cousin Stormie and was given his first swing set for the back yard, a car bean bag which he lounges in to watch movies or play games on the computer, and his very own potty chair complete with dumdum suckers as a reward and his own big boy underoos. (Again he has no interest. but we're still working on it).










Hadrien has been the healthiest in the family and the past three years have in some respects gone by far too fast for my liking. I remember bringing him home and nursing him. He had a thing for his binky which I let him get rid of at one. He loves his milk and everything that includes cheese. He has the best smile and the biggest blue eyes. He loves giving hugs and kisses most of the time and still calms down when I sing "Hush Little Baby" to him. I Love You Hadrien even when you're acting like a tyrant and I wouldn't trade you for anything other than who/what you are! I am blessed to have you as my son and hope that God grants you all that your heart desires.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MIRACLE BOY!

Oy Vey

Have you ever had one of those mornings where you just wish you could crawl right back under the warm covers and start the day over. Today is that day for me and Fridays are usually so joyful and carefree in my house. I get the most done on Fridays and we are all anxious for the weekend when the four of us get to be together. The boys are usually happy go lucky and full of a playful spirit...Fridays are normally Great days.

Today feels more like a Monday for me. I was awakened by my beloved at 7am and told Hadrien is on the computer, Liam's awake but barely fussing and I (he) have to go so get up. Wow. Normally this would be fine but at the same time I usually am eased into the waking up process by my three year old crawling on me or my husband saying I'm leaving and giving me a kiss. Not this morning. I've been awake for a total of ten seconds and already I'm off to a rough start.

I get up, go to the ladies and then into the kitchen to make the baby a bottle and turn on my coffee pot. As I'm doing this my husband is out the door, I didn't get my kiss before my beloved left but at least I told him to have a good day. I get the baby up and get him comfy then its a small battle to get the three year old off of the computer. He doesn't quite understand that in order to play a game you have to stay on that screen, instead he ends up opening 30+ browsers and clicking on who knows how many apps, its a wonder the thing doesn't crash on a more regular basis.

Anyway I get PBS on the television for him and he starts to settle in, but wait, he brings me his vitamins. No problem I give Hadrien his and after he pops it into his mouth I ask him to give Liam the other one. (He does-the day is looking up). I have Hadrien put the vitamins away in the cabinet and go to the other room for diapers, when I come back, 30 seconds later, Hadrien is eating cookies and has pulled out some cake mix. Joy I think. Here's battle number two. I wrestle the cookies away from him, remind him we will be having cake tomorrow for his birthday, fill the bar stool upside down on the table so he'll stay off the counters and ask if he would like eggy toast for breakfast. He says, "No, pancakes". I say ok and set to work finishing to load and start the dishwasher, then gathering ingredients, a bowl, etc. During this I realize that my beloved has once again put my coffee cup in the sink before I'm finished using it. (See I reuse my coffee cup a couple times, sometimes the whole week before giving it a thorough wash in the dishwasher) Frustrating to say the least, so I send him a text that I know he was trying to help and clear clutter (which is a daily battle) but that if it happened one more time I was seriously going to lose it.

I get the dishwasher running and Hadrien and I begin the measuring of ingredients for breakfast. He's doing well, maybe the day is really starting to look up after all. I turn to get the milk and turn back to a pile of mix on the kitchen floor and Hadrien licking the dry ingredients from a spoon *shrug* I don't get it. I ignore the mess and we finish up mixing and add blueberries for a change up. (It was that or bananas and Hadrien chose the blueberries). Momma makes the pancakes. Hadrien is pulling on me the whole time, "mom, hai pancakes, mom" repeat 50x's...I get his made first, doctor it up (butter and syrup) cut it into bite size pieces and serve. Get Liam set up in his high chair and after making another pancake serve him as well.

By this point Hadrien has pushed his plate away from him and I tell him to eat. He says, "No, Hai want milk" I said, "Not until you eat breakfast, you've already had a cup this morning" He throws a tantrum, I send him to his room. When he comes back out he refuses to eat his pancakes, I let him know there will be no other food or snacks of any kind if he doesn't eat. He attempts to get up, huffily, to the counter to finish eating and because he's being a fussy gus he falls and then screams. What can I do but comfort him and remind him we need to be careful.
Liam and I finish our breakfast, Hadrien again refuses, so be it -I'm tired of fighting over the meal and can stick by the no snacks, no problem.

All of this and its only 8:15am...I'm exhausted, I want to lay down and veg out but we have company tomorrow so I need to finish cleaning. First I have a baby bath to give and some morning dishes to get clean...maybe I'll be able to enjoy a cup of coffee before noon. Besides I get to repeat the above battle over two more meals...

Oy Vey! I want my covers, I want to restart today and if I can't restart today, I guess there's always tomorrow.
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Sleep Is For the Weak

I am currently involved in two projects that, although time consuming, I absolutely love doing. The first has a deadline that will come and go and the second will hopefully last a very long time! Both were started at relatively the same time and so I am a bit sleep deprived at the moment.

Baby showers...one of my favorite things to plan; along with weddings and those showers. Currently I am helping to plan and execute a baby shower for a bouncing baby boy who will be born to my husbands cousins wife shortly after the shower is over. I was up late putting together invitations...I'm not big on the already made, fill in the blank, store bought invitations, NO. I like to pull out my creative and computer skills so that I can hand make them. Kinda scrapbook-y...but so much more personal than the first I mentioned. Between the invites (which I finished in just a few five hours), the shopping (which may be handled by Nana) and throwing the games together we're pretty much prepared. Those invites are more time consuming than the rest of the party planning, but again, so worth it!

The second endeavor I've taken on is writing, yes, handwriting, to a very nice lady who used to attend my parish but recently moved clear across the country, we'll call her M. So I have a pen pal...
Let me just say that the fact of our schools no longer teaching cursive in schools is horrendous, absolutely an awful and possibly the worst thing that could ever happen along with at least a dozen others that I can think of right this second.

Since it has been ages, I'm talking fifteen years - until a few months ago, since I've handwritten any kind of correspondence to any one person for any reason, we'll say I'm a bit sloppy. Not only is my penmanship awful, but my handwriting etiquette truly has failed me. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, I don't know, but that is how I feel. Technology has it's place in our society, but there is truly something more personal in receiving or sending a handwritten letter. You just can't express the emotion you feel while writing in an email, text, or even a blog post. For some reason though it comes through in the handwritten letter or postcard. I love the written language and so much has been lost already in our society that I felt moved to refresh myself and my skills through practice. A few months ago I started by writing my sister (in-law) Ruthe to tell her how proud I am of what she accomplishes each day in just being herself...this led to my longing for more. Like I said before M. moved across the country, I'm in AZ and she is currently in NC, we would talk a little here and there when we'd see each other in passing and she's sweet as pie but we really don't know each other. What better way to have a pen pal, I mean if it can't be a lifetime friend, than who better than an almost stranger who at the very least shares the faith with you.

After I finished the invitations, I finished my first letter to M. and finally made it to bed about 2 am. My precious boys never, NEVER sleep past 7 am (if I'm lucky), so I'm running on empty today and the saying holds true today especially, Sleep is definitely for the Weak! I am very excited though to have both of these projects, they are things that I love and so with that said it's worth it!

Where is our focus?

It is said:
When one door closes, another is opened or when one door is closed, God opens a window.

These are words of wisdom usually given to others or received by others in times of trial and they definitely have there place in our lives, since we can't seem to stay focused in our daily lives for more than a few minutes at any one given time. In the twenty first century everyone and I do mean everyone is constantly plugged in. Whether we are watching television or listening to the radio, on our work/home desktop/laptop computers or on the web via our cell phones, emailing, talking to (on rare occasions face-to-face), instant messaging, facebooking, etc. We are in a constant state of, for lack of better words, chaos. In my previous post I spoke of being compassionate for all of our brothers and sisters...this is and always will be true. I am currently wondering how this can be accomplished when we can't seem to focus and enjoy one tasks at a time in our busy-ness of living. Multitasking has its place in our society and serves a very good purpose when utilized correctly. However, somewhere in the past fifty or so years lost sight of the true purpose of multitasking, instead we've crammed so many things on our to-do lists that if you don't multitask then you fail miserably. This isn't the way to LIVE. It may very well be the way to die...afterall in the past fifty years or so how many more ailments have been invented, yet no one is stopping to really take a look at what's causing the problems...No one is FOCUSING on life. The simple tasks of being with family, taking in some nature, gardening, rolling in the grass, playing ball in the street, writing letters and sending them via snail mail, etc. Sure some of these things used to be done out of necessity rather than because they were enjoyable, but really aren't all of us longing for more in our lives. More time to do the things we love or spend time with our loved ones. Helloooooooo....when will we wake up and grab hold of the opportunities we take for granted everyday and walk through that open door to really and truly start living.

I'm READY!!!

A Little Perspective

I'll probably catch some heat for this one but I feel it's worth it. As most people across the nation have by now heard there was a tragedy in Tucson, AZ over the weekend. A boy made a horrible decision to bring a loaded gun to a Town Hall type gathering where a beloved congresswoman was speaking & where her friends/supporters/innocent passersby were in attendance. The boy decided it was necessary (for reasons we may never know) to shoot these people. Some have since died, some are still in critical condition, others are traumatized but physically okay. In listening to the local news (I am in AZ) or in reading reports of the events I have heard about the heroism, strength & also the losses. Condolences that have poured in, prayers, support coming from around the world. The amazing doctors, first responders, etc who are in charge or have had contact with the injured & are doing their parts to bring about healing. I've heard from the media all about the goings on in the justice system & how they will attempt to bring justice "healing" to the man (others) who are responsible for the horrendous act committed. I agree that justice must be served & all the prayers/condolences are needed for the victims...

Here's where the heat will come in...This boy (yes he's just a boy 22 years on this earth is hardly any time at all) & his family also need our prayers. He is hurt, suffering & misguided. He is still someone's son & I'm sure his mother is hurting at this time also. The boy needs help, whether it's sitting in a prison til the day he dies or being sent to the state hospital for that help...he needs help as does his family!

We as a people...the same lot...humankind need to step in & love our brothers & sisters, especially when we don't understand their actions. I'm sure there were many warning signs that something was amiss before this tragedy, there almost always are. I know that loving those who sin against us isn't ever easy, but until we can do this the peace in the world will always remain just out of our grasp.

I can only imagine how lonely this boy & his family feel right now. I pray for the victims, their families, their friends but I especially am praying right now for the boy, his family, his friends & hope that if there was anyone else acting with him they will feel remorse & do what is right by turning themselves in to the authorities. I pray that the boy & his family get the help they need, that he feels remorse for his actions, & that all involved may find forgiveness & love in the mist of all the heartache.

New Beginning or Unraveling

It's a new year, 2011 and my start has been...


well...


bumpy to say the least.

My husband and my two young boys have been ill since Christmas Eve, come to find out they are all suffering from ailments that have to do with their lungs. Bronchitis & sinusitis for the older, RSV & a double ear infection for the middle & just plain RSV for the youngest. I am surprised that I have not been afflicted with any germs since I have been stuck in the house with them all. I am also exhausted.

It's not easy being the only one with decent health in a home full of sick people. I don't know how others do it. Between feedings, diaper changes, delivering medications, giving baths, wiping noses, etc I am lucky to use the restroom & enjoy a cup of coffee at nap time. It's not just the physical parts that are exhausting, it also weighs heavily on my mind and emotional state. I worry that the coughs aren't getting better (so it seems) and what this may mean; if anything. I wonder about the regular chores I've yet to accomplish and just how backed up I'll be once everyone is better.


Then there is the monetary aspect that has entered the picture after a trip to the ER and two doctor visits; knowing full well that health insurance benefits just renewed and we have a large deductible to once again cover out of pocket. Not to mention regular bills, tuition for my husband, the car registration that is due in less than a week, a fence that needs to be repaired (after a storm back in October the fence didn't make it and we've yet to have the work completed; long story), a car that is leaking oil and needs to be fixed...you see I hate money and it's hard enough when we're already on a budget (a tight one), we don't have much debt (but enough), and getting ends to meet is a fun, tight rope act each month...let alone when the unforeseen happens and suddenly you're left with not much of anything. Oh, the stress.


So here I sit...a lot going on for the beginning of a new year and the life we've struggled to create for ourselves and then maintain which isn't lavish but comfortable, seems to be slowly unraveling around me. I'm sure the Lord has a plan in all this, maybe we're not meant to live comfortably, maybe we need to struggle (I'm not sure). I need to trust in Him that He is providing for us and will continue to do so.

I guess in this unraveling I will have a new beginning, a tradition to start, which will be to start a God box, any stresses or worries or prayers that need to be said will be written down and put in the box and after that I will not allow myself to fret over it anymore since I will have offered it up to the Lord. In this act may I remember that I am not alone and that we are being cared for. Maybe I can even offer this to others struggling and it can offer us all some peace. See there is a silver lining after all.
OK 2011, bring it on...my Lord and I have got this! :)