LIFE

Life is truly funny...what do we truly want out of this thing we call life? Simply to be happy, content or fulfilled right?!?

Sometimes I find myself thinking back....to my past where I was five or six and my parents were arguing and I was scared...or to where I was in high-school and my friends and I would go hang out at "stoner park"...or to where I was dating a guy six years my senior...to where I dated a girl...to where I was figuring out where here was.

Where is here???

Happiness is here. We all dream of whatever it is that makes us happy, content...no disruptions...no drama. In life that is what we all hope for, even if we can't name what it is. For some it is simply being a mom or dad, others the career and others still just to be.

I find myself these days reflecting on what was and what is...I was lost in many ways and now I find comfort in my faith, my God. I used to try to find myself through my physical attributes and I exploited them in numerous ways and now I am fulfilled through my marital vows. People may not understand this, but the Sacrament of Matrimony is very different than a civil union.

I am happy where I am...Married with three beautiful boys...I however still think from time to time about how I came to be here and all the people in-between that helped along the way to lead me here. I wonder where they are and if they are happy. Not the -I'm presenting a front to seem happy- but truly happy with their own paths in life. Each touched my life so profoundly and taught me more about myself then I can ever express my gratitude for....TRULY I AM GRATEFUL TO EACH OF YOU!

I regret nothing because without it all, the experiences, I wouldn't be the me I am. I made mistakes yes, and I'm bound to make more but without the things I've experienced I wouldn't be where I am...and where I am currently in Life is happy...daily, maybe not, but overall content and truly happy YES! I have all I've ever dreamed I could have and more and I only hope and pray that those who've helped me get here are experiencing the same.

Life is funny...the ups the downs and the in-betweens...Despite the hardships I continue to LOVE and be HAPPY!!!

Ducks...In...A...Row...?

One of my top ten pet peeves is having my ducks thrown back in the water.

What do I mean by this?

Well I'm the type of person who likes to put her ducks in a row with any type of event that is outside of the normal routine. So if I'm invited to an event I like to know when, where, who, what to bring...along with is my family invited including the kids or is it an adult only event...I could go on.

There are many things that come up now with Hadrien in the atrium program, almost starting school, with Andrew in formation and all the events that come up with that, plus the pediatric appointments we have that come up regularly for Simon. Liam hasn't yet joined in on these events but he is following close behind. Then there is myself, doctor appointments, family events, time to scoot away to renew my energies (a mani-pedi treatment for example). Getting a sitter for a date night or formation weekend. Again I could go on and on.

My personality requires that I keep a rigorous calendar and that my husband is synced with said calendar so he also knows whatever events we have coming up. This is the one area in my life that I DEMAND organization 100% of the time. I'd love to say that my domestic skills are also at this level, especially where the kitchen and laundry are concerned...but let's be honest, in those "other" areas I run at a consistent 80% at best. (So I'm not perfect...geez, I really hate that)

Alas, life is what it is and with so many external variables at play the ducks that I take excruciating time and effort to meticulously line up are on occasion thrown...no, kicked...(yes, kicked is more accurate) back into their little pond and I'm forced to scramble around picking up the pieces. Not to mention everyone involved are wondering why something so simple has turned chaotic or why I'm suddenly stressed out. I know I need to remember to breathe, to go with the flow sometimes, but seriously don't touch my DUCKS....they are mine and usually before lining the little buggers up I check with those who may have a different idea of how things should go so that I'm not stepping on toes or making plans if none need to be made. FYI: Please give me your input, but if you stay silent don't go kicking my ducks.

The ducks KNOW their job....let them do it!

Directions

Life continues to make changes...these days it happens monthly or so it seems. In October we add bouncing baby boy number three. Talk about a shift in household dynamics. Mostly good but sometimes stressful changes are occurring constantly since we now have my husband, myself and our boys; 4yrs, 2yrs and 4 months...plus our two cats. For me it's only stressful as I try to find a balance between them and me. I mean after you have a kid you have to figure out where they end and you begin...times that by three or four if you include a spouse. I'm learning to make time for me even if it means I'm the last to bed at night. I need that thirty or so minutes to care for myself whether I jump in a shower (uninterrupted), watch tv (uninterrupted) or catch up on chores I didn't make it to during the day (uninterrupted)...see the pattern?!?

I'm also relearning that life changes directions all the time, it's inevitable, but as long as you travel with the terrain and don't fight it too much then things keep moving,

Trying to Remember to Breathe

"Breathe (2 AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you'd only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.