Alone

NO...

Sure enough my previous fears have come to reality. My baby brother is 29 years young, has an almost four year old daughter, a wife with two teenage sons from previous relationships...and he's been diagnosed with Anaplastic Astrocytoma...stage 3 brain cancer.

I can only imagine from a mother's standpoint what my own mom is going through, let alone what my brother is going through. I can barely comprehend what I'm feeling so how much worse is it for any of them?

I've had two grandparents, one I was really close to, who fought and died from breast cancer. I have a grandfather, one we thought would die from the bottle, who may end up kicking the bucket from prostate cancer (diagnosed this past January). I have various aunts, uncles, cousins who've died after battling various types of cancer...so I am no stranger to this disease or the havoc it wreaks on the body.

But suddenly I feel so alone...

Is it the fact that it's my baby brother? I don't know. All I know is I am not taking this news well. My research has turned up, at best odds, a life expectancy of 5yrs tops...more likely between 18 months and 2.5 years...it's a death sentence. Don't get me wrong, I know from the moment of conception we are all on our way to our eternal life. We have no control over this, I myself have lost a son too early, I understand physical, untimely death better than anyone should. I trust in God, I trust in His ultimate plan for each of us...our free will withstanding.....sometimes my humanness takes over though and I'm suddenly a two yr old throwing a tantrum, kicking and screaming that it's NOT FAIR!!!

I want to talk about this, I want to have someone hold me and let me cry for as long as it takes to get it all out...I want to take this burden, this cross from my kid brother or at least to give him some sense of peace. But instead, I feel so alone...I'm on an island and I can't make the words come out of my heart or my head...I can't form a sentence to let anyone know what I'm going through, the internal struggle that's taking place within me...

I'M ALONE and my heart is aching.