Allow Me to Give You Something Else to Judge Me On

There are very few things in this life that I am judgmental about. This doesn't mean that I have no opinion on most everything, but having an opinion and being judgmental are two different ways of being/acting and it is a very subtle difference so maybe I should clarify the two.

Judgmental: (adjective)
1. Of or concerning the use of judgment * - judgmental errors

2. Having or displaying an excessively critical point of view * - I don't like to sound judgmental, but it was a big mistake

Opinion: (noun)
1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

3. the formal expression of a professional judgment * - to ask for a second Medical opinion.

Indeed they are subtle differences and one must be very careful when expressing an opinion to not cross that thin line into being/acting judgmental and thus causing those you are sharing with unnecessary grief, hurt feelings or just giving them a reason to change their perspective towards you. I have on occasion been judgmental and it has always ended badly to say the least. So I now take great care when expressing an opinion to clarify if I feel I'm not articulating my thoughts well enough and/or I've crossed that line by mistake. After all who am I to pass judgment on or towards anyone? We are all on the same journey even if we are at different points or have very different circumstances surrounding us. When I hurt someone else is being lifted up by one who has passed through a hurt of their own and is able to assist those behind. And when things are going well in my life I usually am presented with someone who needs my assistance to come through whatever is ailing them...even if only by words and prayers alone.

Recently I was on the receiving end of someone else's judgments. This isn't my first go round with this person in particular and I'm sure it won't be my last. I'm not sure what the intended goal was, but I do know that it accomplished two things: 1. It really pissed me off, especially since they just kept on with their criticism. 2. I really rather not be around this person ever again in my life; that is not very plausible and I don't like feeling this way towards anyone, at the same time I don't like being judged.

I have a strong personality myself and tend to be stubborn , even pigheaded at times, but the actions of this person were so far off my tolerant radar that now I'm in a position where I don't know how to act/respond/be around them. After I defended myself with strong notes of frustration, sarcasm and undertones that said "will you just shut up already" the person tried to play it off like they were joking. HA, that's a laugh...are you freakin' kidding me??? So you were kidding...well then let me just throw all of the conversation in a blender along with your dignity and see what it looks like on the other side of puree shall we. And in the meantime you can judge -I mean joke- about this post.

The joys of being a woman

Some days I love being part of the female gender and then there are the days where men are the enemy for no other reason than they are not suffering the pains I as a woman am going through...oh and it was Adam, a man, who holds most of the fault for causing pain, suffering and all things not of God into the world. (Yep, that's right man is to blame. Eve may have handed him the apple, but if he had spoke up when the serpent was tempting her, then maybe a whole different world we would be a part of.)
The things I dislike are also the things that set us apart from our male counterparts and so it is a bittersweet life. PMS and all things that are part of a woman's "cycle" that are uncomfortable are some of my least favorite and I know I am not alone in this sentiment. Without this part we wouldn't be able to be part of the baby making that our female bodies are capable of. While not all parts of pregnancy are enjoyable there are the moments which make it all worth while. For instance, hearing the heartbeat for the first time, seeing the baby moving on a sonogram and the movements within that only another mother can fully understand despite how well we try to describe it.
The hormonal changes that take place inside the female body are also something that I could do without, but again then I wouldn't be a woman...like all things in life I guess today I just want to express this,

"IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!"

Okay, I'm done whining now, moving on.

My Angel

It seems like only yesterday.

I was 18 and naive. Thought I knew what being in love was all about. My senior year of high school...and a statistic. The year was 1999 and I was 6 months pregnant.
Other than gaining weight a little too quickly everything was going perfectly. I was excited and nervous. I have always wanted to be a mom, maybe not at 18, but I was getting what i had dreamed...a baby.

It's March and everyone is excited for prom and working on last minute studying, assignments and all the fun we can cram in for the past couple of months before graduation. I'd been dating Ruben for a little more than a year and he's as supportive as any high school boy with a pregnant girlfriend. Saturday the 6th was like any other. I had been hanging out at Ruben's since I wasn't working that day. His brother Wally had asked for a ride to a friends and since I was the only one with a license and a car I said yes. Rubens mom had asked us not to go out, but we were kids and said we'd be fine...we were after all just dropping Wally off, grabbing a pizza and coming "right back" to the apartment.

Everything went just like that too, but on our way back to the apartment we got caught at a red light. We were heading East on Main St and were stopped at Main and Lindsey. I was driving in the outside lane, closest to the sidewalk, we'd come to a full stop...we were laughing about some mundane thing and I glanced at the radio considering whether to change the station since a commercial had just come on. (Its amazing all the details you remember when something that changes your life forever happens.) Glancing up to check whether the light was close to changing is when I noticed the headlights in my rear view mirror...coming towards us way too fast. I had just enough time to brace myself using the steering wheel when he hit us.

The impact was so hard that my glasses flew off my face, though thanks to my seat belt I remained in my seat. It took only a second for the adrenaline to kick into high gear and I asked Ruben if he were okay, he was and I told him to check on the other driver. I found my glasses and as I stepped out of the car another driver asked if they should call 911. I said, "I'm pregnant, yes, please call them." Meanwhile the guy who hit us was attempting to restart his car and Ruben thankfully took his keys. I walked back and asked if he was alright...he looked up at me, had a gash on his forehead and said, "Well...NO." in a tone that told me the man simply thought I was in his way and it was my fault he was being held up from getting to wherever he was going. I remember thinking..."You asshole"...but I went back to my car, yanked up the back door and rummaged around for my first aid kit. Once I found some gauze I handed it to Ruben, told him to take it to the guy for his head and took a seat to wait for the paramedics. Ruben came and sat beside me, realizing suddenly that he probably had whiplash as a headache was setting in.

The usual organized chaos ensued as police and the paramedics showed up and began taking statements from everyone. I was fine and was able to ride to the hospital in one of the passenger seats for some routine monitoring, just to make sure the baby was also alright...Ruben had to go on a gurney since there was a chance of a neck injury. Once at the hospital we were sent our separate ways...he was taken for x-rays and an MRI or CT and I was sent to the maternity triage for monitoring. Four long hours later they released us both with pain relievers for when the stiffness set in and a doctors note to miss at least two days of school to rest. The next few days passed uneventful other than learning that the driver of the other car had been drunk, arrested, bailed out by a friend and had been driving on a suspended license...plus his girlfriend had lied saying she owned the car to have it insured...what a mess!

The morning of March 11, 1999 I woke up as usual, but when I sat up I had a bad shooting pain in my lower right pelvis area...bad enough it forced me to lay right back down. But it didn't last and actually subsided so quickly I just thought, hmm that was weird, and proceeded to get up and get ready for school as usual. Throughout the day I felt like I had a stomach bug coming on but it would only last a little while and then it too would subside and I figured I was just getting sick. After school I did the usual errands, took Ruben to work, ran home to use the bathroom (lost my plug but with it being my first pregnancy and still so far off from time I didn't realize that was what it was), got myself ready and went to work. Really wasn't feeling well after a couple hours and ended up leaving. Took Ruben home and when we stopped to check his mail I had such a severe pain in my back I remember placing both my feet on the brake and applying pressure as hard as I could to counter the pain...told Ruben I was going to ask my mom about it, dropped him off and went home myself.

As soon as I saw my mom I told her all about the oddities of the day and she said, "It's probably nothing, but go call Dr. Morrison just to be safe." I said okay and called the answering service, who took all the info, called the doc and when they called me back said, "Dr. Morrison is at the hospital doing a delivery and he wants to see you, NOW." I called Ruben, told him what was going on and that he didn't need to come but he was welcome to. Jumped in the car with my mom and to the hospital we went. I was there maybe 20 minutes when the doc came in to check on me and scold me for not calling him sooner. After doing an internal exam he about-faced and all of a sudden there were nurses coming in...starting IV's, having me roll onto my left side, elevating my feet, etc...I'm looking at them like "come on guys tell me what's going on" but one of the nurses asked another that very question and she responded with, "I don't know, he walked out and started barking orders, it's best to just do what he says." -That was comforting...NOT!

A few short minutes later Dr. Morrison came back in with my mom and filled me in.

I had dilated to seven centimeters...given the fact that I was only 26 1/2 weeks into my pregnancy I was fully dilated. They had started me on everything from sugar water to magnesium in an effort to slow down labor and keep me pregnant as long as possible. They had also arranged for me to be transported via helicopter to Good Samaritan which at the time had the best neonatal intensive care unit in the state. No one could travel with me since there is very limited space in the aircraft. My mom said they'd meet me there and off her and Ruben went. I was worried but I was staying positive and level headed as I tend to do in most traumatic and stressful situations. Within five minutes of receiving all of the information I was transported to the roof. The nurses told me it was going to be loud and they put the sheet over my face as they loaded me in. I remember, vaguely, the faces of the few who transported me...but I remember very clearly how nice they were to me...caring and compassionate and they set me at ease as we traveled. (The two who had been in back with me actually came to see me in the hospital after a couple of days...that doesn't happen very often.)

When we reached Good Sam they didn't re-sheet my face and I remember seeing the city lights as I was whisked inside. I went to triage and they hooked me up to a fetal monitor. My mom showed up shortly thereafter with Ruben and we prepared to wait. It didn't take long. Within the hour the doc came in to say that my contractions weren't slowing...I could've told him that as my mom was coaching me on breathing through each one...and the baby was showing signs of distress as with each contraction it's heart rate would fall. And although the heart rate was returning to baseline after the contraction they needed to preform a cesarean section to get it out...the baby was sitting in breech position so any chance of a natural delivery was nonexistent. My heart fell...Ruben went to change into scrubs and my dad showed up...I looked at my parents with tears in my eyes and said, "This can't be happening...it's too soon!" I'm sure my fear was all over my face, on the inside I was on the verge of hysterics. My mom on one side, my dad on the other,,,she told me I would be fine, this needed to happen...God was I terrified.

They take us into the OR...Ruben waits outside while they prep me...I roll on my side, arch my back like a cat (not easy with a big belly) and they numb me up...then comes the spinal tap, um, ow. I say "Ouch"...the anesthesiologist asks me if it's pain or pressure. I mull it over a minute trying to process that there is a difference between pain and pressure when it's being applied to ones spinal cord. Finally I answer, hesitantly, pressure. I'm told that I'm gonna feel some pressure...and then someone comes around to hold my hand so I can squeeze through the "pressure"...once that's done I'm rolled onto my back and Ruben joins me. It takes less than five minutes for the numbness to over take my body and just another three to deliver my baby boy, Angel Xavier Reyes 1lb 15oz just 12 inches in length born at 12:17am on March 12, 1999. They take him into the NICU and I tell Ruben to go with him. As the docs are stitching me back up I lose my dinner...gross. They take me into recovery and I remember nothing...nothing but vague images of people coming in and out, some nurses some family...until they finally move me to my room and on the way they wheel me past the NICU so I can see the baby. I couldn't really sit up so I just see this little body under a heater...that's it just a body that's so tiny I can't believe its really real.

The next few days were spent getting my feet back, being wheeled to and from the NICU, a slew of visitors, passing time, meeting with doctors, learning what may be in store for us and only being able to hold my Angel's teeny hand. The first day was touch and go...the second things were looking up...then on the third day we were told his blood gases didn't look so hot, that there may be more going wrong than right. They called in a pediatric neurologist...we waited some more, had the baby baptized and a blessing from my step-dads bishop and then Ruben and I have a serious conversation. I tell him that if things come back bad then I'm taking Angel off the machines and putting it in God's hands. He says I can't do that...I tell him I'm Angel's mom and yes we can do just that...why make the poor thing suffer, better to let go and let God then to prolong the inevitable. Just after 5am on the 16th the neurologist calls us to the NICU. He confirms that the blood gases are bad...then says that Angel is hemorrhaging...inside as well as outside his brain. There's nothing more that can be done for him. I ask what his chances are...slim to zero. They tell us that "IF" he makes it through the bleeding then he will most likely have severe cerebral-palsy as well as other handicaps. I ask for a few hours so I can have family come say goodbye. They tell us to take all the time we need.

The phone calls I had to make after that were the hardest I've ever had to make. All day we were ushering people in and out of the NICU. At 6pm I asked everyone to leave. Ruben's mom put up a bit of a fight..."No, you can't do this alone." I told her, "We brought him into the world just the two of us...we have to let him go just the two of us." Ruben walked her out and then we went to hold Angel before they removed all of the iv's and took him off the ventilator. I talked to him, sang to him, was amazed by him,,,they moved us into a family sitting room once all the machines were off and it took less than an hour for his heart to stop beating. I was holding him. Amazing what you remember.

My mom came back to pick us up after we spent time preparing Angel for the mortuary to pick him up, Ruben didn't handle the loss very well so it was up to me to make all the final arrangements. My mom helped me tremendously through all of it including getting him dressed before he was laid in his casket...we were able to view him and since the casket was so big, even though it was the smallest they make, we packed it full of animals and toys and a music box my grandma had given him (I wish I would've at least written down what it played). The funeral was small but good...many graces were poured out on all of us...though I didn't realize it at the time.

Ruben and I lasted another year or so as a couple. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my Angel baby...he was blessed enough to never lay eyes on the world around him and he never uttered a sound...most of all he saved me from taking my present children for granted...a parent should never have to bury a child, but when it does happen, everything changes. It took me a month before I was able to leave my room, a year before I could express my anger, and even now 12 years later I still cry when I think of this loss but I also smile and look forward to coming face to face with my baby someday. Only God knows how that will play out...I'm just thankful for having held this little boy at all.

Hadrien's Two Favorite Things...For Now

One of the greatest things that happens as babies turn into toddlers into preschoolers is that their personalities really start to come out. They show their likes and dislikes as well as that particular child's Most Favorite things...for this phase at the very least.

My one-year-old Liam is just coming into his toddler phase and so he's just beginning to show what he likes and dislikes (usually accompanied by a tantrum of one type or another) and so for now I get to talk about my three-year-old Hadrien's Most Favorite things...he has two of them at this juncture.

The first one that came about was his fascination with trains...Thomas the Train became an everyday show in our house and still continues today. Andrew my husband, has a great love and appreciation for toys. He still has some of the toys from his childhood which are in very good if not perfect condition. And so because of his love of toys and the fact that his first born sons love of trains he began a collection of the little die-cast Thomas the Train playsets. Hadrien has quite a few trains along with two of the take n play track sets. Hadrien pulls them out, sets them up and can play with them for hours. Not only does he love Thomas and all of the Sodor engines but he also loves trains in real life. Each time we pass a train track he calls out, "Momma, where's train?" And the times he actually sees the trains I think it's all he can do to not pee his pants. I love this about him. It gives me something to learn more about so I can answer all his train questions and when we found his dentist it was partially because of a family members recommendation but the part that sealed the deal for us (besides the fact that she is amazing with the kids) was that the office has a train that travels above your head every few minutes and there is a cast of a train coming out the wall which is painted to look like a tunnel...Hadrien LOVES it there! These are just a few of the perks that go along with his love of trains.

The second thing he became fascinated with happened at a Convocation for Deacons that we attended as part of Andrew's formation with the diaconate. We were able to bring our boys and they spent most of the day playing with other kids in the nursery. We did pull them out to go to Mass with us and then to spend lunch together and this is where it happened. He heard for the first time Church Bells...it was love at first ring. They were the type that go off every fifteen minutes gaining momentum until the hour at which they played a beautiful little song. Hadrien loves church bells now. Each time he sees a big clock or bell tower he hollers, "BELLS!!!" Sometimes the bells are present and sometimes not, but he doesn't care...he knows its a bell tower or big clock and that it should have bells. Luckily we have a small decorative clock that we are holding onto for a family member and every fifteen minutes it chimes...I have it set to low so they don't drive us all batty...and when Hadrien hears it he is just as excited as the first time he heard those blessed bells.

Arizona Sunrises/Sunsets

One of my favorite things in this life is being blessed with Arizona sunrises and Arizona sunsets. My family lives in the Valley of the Sun and most years we are lucky if we get more than 50 days of clouds and even less with rain. I love my sunshine and don't know what I'd do without it.

The best part is when the sunlight is reflecting off the pollution in the air and the view of the desert landscape as the sky turns from a sometimes blinding white/blue light, into every shade imaginable of yellow, red, orange, and pink moving into the darker shades of blue and purple as the sun moves below the horizon. Or as it rises above the horizon moving from the inky blackness to shades of purple which quickly move into the yellows, oranges, reds and slowly becomes the sometimes blinding white/blue light that gets us through our days.

We get the most amazing picturesque views most mornings and evenings...people come from all around the world to capture these images on film...and every picture taken, each day or evening are all unique. They have similarities but no sunrise or sunset is ever quite the same as the last.

This leads me to believe ever more firmly in the Blessed Trinity, our Creator, who reveals Himself to us each day through the world around us. All we have to do as a people is Stop, Look and Listen...just like we're taught as children with regards of how to cross the street...we need to learn this lesson and hand it on to our children with regards to having a relationship with God. If we stop, look and listen we discover that we are never alone, He is always with us and for this we are forever blessed.

Thank you my Lord for giving me Arizona sunsets to say goodnight to the day and the days worries as I drift off to sleep. Thank you my Lord for giving me Arizona sunrises to say good morning to the next day of my life and to remind me everyday that you are right here by my side. I love you and all that you have created for us here on Earth.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Picky Picky

The recent battle in my house especially with my three-year-old has been when/what/how he eats. I was raised in a house where you cleaned your plate whether you liked what was put in front of you or not. I once spent an hour at the table chewing on what my father thought was a piece of steak, but turned out to be a piece of gristle that was not getting any smaller despite my constant chewing and was too big for me to just swallow...eventually I was allowed to spit it in the garbage and get up from said table. We were also taught manners when it came to family meals...say may I be excused when finished eating before taking your plate to the kitchen sink; pass the salt, pepper, bread etc and don't just reach across the table for something you want that is not directly in front of you; may I have more, please, thank you etc; don't fight or argue, use your silverware and your napkin or paper towel...and never, ever horse around or stick your hand in a cup for a piece of ice.

Now that I am a mom I value most of these lessons even if I don't force all of them on my own children at their current young ages. I believe there is a set time for meals and a separate time in between for a snack. I don't think my children should walk around with a sippy cup all day long filling up on fluids so that they are full when it comes time to actually eat. I try to maintain some consistency with the time of day that we have breakfast, lunch and dinner...however, we are flexible when our day is thrown a curve ball and things come up. In this day and age I see many styles of parenting...in many instances the child is the dictator and the parent the slave who does whatever the kid says...this saddens me immensely and I hope our Heavenly Father is merciful to these parents when it comes time to answer for their offspring's souls.

That said I'm sure that I am in between being strict and being lenient...some things I'm stricter on and some I'm more lax...I try to big and choose my battles with my little ones so that they aren't throwing tantrums or being scolded 24/7. When it comes to meals I usually give my Hadrien a choice in what he would like to eat...for breakfast: oatmeal or eggs...eggy toast or pancakes...french toast or breakfast burritos. For lunch: grilled cheese or peanut butter and jelly...quesadillas or pizza bites...bean and cheese burritos or egg salad sandwiches. And then for dinner he gets to eat what we all as a family are eating and most of the time he even helps my to prepare and/or make the meal.

The battle which we are faced with more often than not these days happens because of his age I'm sure...he'll request eggs for instance and I make them, place them in front of him, and he proceeds to get down from the table, plate untouched. I remind him that he asked for eggs and that if doesn't eat them then he will have to wait til lunch before he gets anything else to eat. He doesn't eat, I let breakfast sit there for an hour before consuming it myself, giving it to his brother or throwing it out and proceeds to request snacks throughout the morning, I stick to my guns and he waits.

Lunch time comes he request grilled cheese, I make it, put it in front of him and the same thing as before happens again. He doesn't eat, I give no snacks and make him wait for dinner the whole afternoon he's saying he's hungry and I remind him he should have eaten his lunch.

When I put dinner in front of him one of two things happens: he either takes one look at it and says "Hai, no like it." to which I respond, "take a bite and if you still don't like it then I'll fix you something else." He either takes the bite, realizes its yummy and gobbles it up or repeats that he doesn't like it and gets down from the table OR he takes a nibble and then says he's full. I'm beyond frustrated at this point since he hasn't had anything to eat all day, but I know it will do no good to try and force feed him and I also know he is well fed most of the time and so one day won't kill him...it still frustrates me though.

For now it's trying...I know all children eat when they are truly hungry and mine is in no way starved or neglected, this is his choosing to walk around with an empty belly and of course he eventually does eat...guess I'm learning to be patient with the fact that I can't make someone eat if they don't want to. At least in a couple more years I'll be able to just say...

Working Through the Ugly

Well after a long night I discovered what the ugly really does when it rears it's ugly head...no pun intended. It's very difficult for me sometimes because I'm not the same person that I was when the harm was caused...by me...and I hurt the one I love most dearly in this world. And because I am no longer that girl I tend to forget that even though years have past the wounds I created begin to heal but at the most inopportune times, and through no fault of my own, the scabs are viciously torn open by the prince of lies and the old pain consumes for a moment...sometimes a very long moment.

What can I do about this? To be honest...not much except continue to be better than I was back then, to reassure my love where my loyalty lies (not just through words but deeds as well), and PRAY...PRAY...PRAY! It's difficult to understand if you have no faith, but I do have faith in God and its still sometimes difficult to understand...why, why the devil was given any power at all to test us mere mortals. Why he chooses to do so in such hurtful and harmful ways. Why we sometimes fall into his traps and of course how to overcome these burdens...time and time again.

It never gets easier that much I know for certain. The closer my family and I get to God the more desperate the attacks become. We have to come to the realization that since God IS and everything else in creation follows that the devil is the exact opposite...all that isn't if you will. God LOVES the devil doesn't...and so this explains the second of my whys. The first is more difficult and I will not presume to know just what God intends, but I do have a theory that may or may not be near to the reason why the prince of lies is allowed to test us and my theory is this: No one can come to know God or have a relationship with Him if their faith isn't tested...we humans tend to change our minds a lot especially when the going gets tough, except in those moments we usually tend to pray a whole lot more for God to deliver us from whatever it is we are struggling with. The devil offers us convenience and comfort in ways that demean and degrade our dignity, however when things are going well we tend to forget about God...He wants us to turn to Him in EVERY moment...good, bad, indifferent, ugly...God wants us to realize whether we remember to turn to Him or not, He IS there with us. We are the ones who tend to make the struggling more difficult than it needs to be. Everything is for the greater Glory of God.

My husband and I relearn and sometimes learn better this lesson. Sometimes in our humanness we want to be prideful without meaning to be, we want to be right, we want the other to get over...fill in the blank or do ...fill in the blank differently. We come to realize at the end of the day that we are who we are, we sometimes make mistakes but never intentionally to harm the other. I am a woman and wife and mother and he is a man a husband and a father and we may never fully understand the other because we are created different on purpose. We each have the same role though and that is to Sanctify the other...to be holy people and to bring along with us those we call brothers and sisters in Christ which is all of humankind, but it starts first with the two of us through the Sacrament of Matrimony which we have. At the end of the ugliness we recreate the beauty by asking God to pick us up together and clean us off and help us to be stronger the next test.

With Blessings One Should Be Prepared For Tribulations

Nothing good in this life comes without struggles of some kind. It is said that the closer one gets to God the harder the devil attacks them in an effort to turn the person away from God...in three words God allows us TO BE TESTED. I will never presume to know why he allows this but I do know that after the storm is over things are better than when one entered it. Just like a negative being removed from a camera and beautiful pictures being developed from the film.

I don't know exactly what is happening just yet but I do know that my marriage is being tested yet again. The cold-shoulder or "silent treatment" is unusual between my husband and I, today it's very present though. It started this morning. He woke me as usual as he was leaving for work but he didn't respond when I said, "I love you" and so far today I haven't heard from him. This behavior is also unusual. Even on a slow day I still hear from him a few times via text or email...but nothing.

I know that we have been blessed over and over in the past few months especially within the past week. I guess now it's time again for the testing portion, which is never enjoyable, but I pray it will be short lived and that whatever it is we are able to work through it civilly and lovingly and that we come out the other side better than when we went in.

Here Comes Number Three

In my previous post I spoke of the blessings we felt this past weekend...well it's not over yet.

Saturday night, unbeknownst to me, my husband had a dream that he was speaking to the other guys in the 2014 Cohort and was telling them about our being with child. At the same time I was asleep next to him and was having a dream of my own. In my dream I was walking with a Sister (a nun for those not familiar with the simple terminology) she was wearing the traditional black and white habit and I never really saw her face although I remember her hands being slightly wrinkled in age but not like I remember my grandmother's being...so she was older but more middle-aged. We were walking into what appeared to look like a classroom. I remember one window which stretched across most of one wall and then desks and chairs...a classroom. As we both crossed about halfway into the room she turned, looked at me and said, "Oh, you're pregnant." I was stunned and felt my jaw drop as my eyes shifted their gaze between her hands and my belly area, "How can you possibly know that?" I asked. "I'm not even showing yet." I was trying to figure it out since I was sure I hadn't told anyone yet. She simply placed her hands lovingly on my shoulders as she matter-of-factually said, "Ah, it's Simon Peter." Like that explained anything at all to me. I woke shortly after this all took place. (You can say we've both had baby on the brain lately) I have dreams pretty regularly and don't usually say anything about them to my husband unless it disturbs me or has me thinking about things that I normally don't concern myself with.

Sunday morning came and went with the usual church things for me and taking care of the boys for him. In the afternoon when Andy was getting our clothes ready for Mass I went into the room to spend some time with him since the boys were napping. He looked at me and said, "I dreamt you were pregnant last night." "Are you serious?!" I asked. "Yes" he said and then relayed the above information to me and I in turn shared my dream with him and we then decided that maaaaaybe we should buy a test since we were stopping for milk after Mass anyway.

Anytime I take a pregnancy test I always use the first urine of the day...and if it comes out positive then I usually take a second test before calling my OB/GYN. I know this is irrational and a bit silly but I once had a negative test read after the allotted time turn positive and the second test turn positive, so I like to err on the side of caution. Last night was tough...I tossed and turned and at midnight I had to use the ladies room so I took the first test. IT WAS POSITIVE. At six this morning I took the second test. IT WAS POSITIVE. So we are having baby number three and we are ecstatic!

Not only was this revealed to us both in a dream, but we'd been wanting another baby for a little while. It seems we're keeping about a two year gap in between each child and I enjoy the difference in age as I think it's just right. We told Hadrien, our three-year-old, first. He is just as excited as we are...at least for now. He immediately asked for a sister, I told him we would see what God gave us in about nine months. Liam doesn't get it right now, but if he's anything like his brother, and he is, then as my belly grows so will his curiosity. After this Andy and I each told our mom's and both are very excited to be Gaga & Nana again. Then of course it was time for the world to know and so we each posted it on facebook and I'm putting it on here. It may seem quick for some but we are truly blessed and we can never keep secrets that are joyous events to ourselves for long so we get it out there as quickly as possible so others can share in the joy with us.

I'm sure some of my later posts for this year will pertain to my pregnancy and I'll try to keep it gore free...no promises but I will add a caution if I think it may gross someone out...

Just a warning now though...we don't like to find out the gender until the child is pulled from my womb (this really drives my mom crazy)...there are so few surprises in life that we love keeping this one gift a surprise to the world until it arrives. :)

A Chance Encounter

Yesterday was a very blessed day for my husband and I as well, I'm sure, as for all nine of the other couples who make up the Diaconate Cohort of 2014. For one thing we were learning about and discussing charisms and how to discern what gifts God has given each of us. These weekends take place approximately once a month and they are always full of learning, faith, love and compassion and we feel blessed each time we encounter Christ within each other. We always walk away feeling more than loved by our Father, our Church and all those around us which is always a very good thing to feel in our secular world. The second reason it was such a blessed day was that we were able to meet, as a group, with Bishop Thomas J. Olmsted of the Diocese of Phoenix...the diocese we call home and the Bishop who is our shepherd.

It isn't everyday that we get to sit down and speak with the Bishop in such an intimate setting. Each couple was able to tell the Bishop a little about ourselves, our families, and our journeys up to this point regarding how our husbands and ultimately our families are possibly being called to a vocation within the diaconate community with our husbands, God willing, serving as ordained Deacons within the Catholic Church. At first I think we were all very nervous...it's to be expected I suppose as with any interview our nerves sometimes get rattled. The greatest thing is just how easy the Bishop is to talk to...he truly put all of us at ease. We each have very unique stories as does everyone in all of existence, some are simpler than others but all of our stories had one theme in common and that is service to our fellow brothers and sisters.

The Bishop listened carefully and attentively as each of us went through a brief synopsis of our lives and asked a few questions here and there. At the end of the time we had with him he made sure to go around to each person in the room, to shake hands and give some words of encouragement and/or advice, while I don't know what was said to others I do know what he spoke to me of and he subtly mentioned a book I may be interested in...which of course I interpreted as "You should obtain and read this book." (As soon as we were on our way home, you best believe, I jumped onto Amazon and ordered said book, lol) Our time with the Bishop was amazing and I am grateful for the encounter. I know our Bishop is a man of prayer and he leads his flock accordingly making sure that human dignity and all teachings of the Church are upheld to the best of his ability and I am blessed to have met him personally.

I'll leave this post by sharing one saying/quote that he shared with us...and I suddenly can't remember the origin...was:

"If Jesus can ride into Jerusalem on the likes of an ass, imagine what he can do with the likes of you and me."

How true this is for all of us.

No Sleep = No Problem with the Rosary

Well I woke up around three o'clock this beautiful morning and just could not get back to sleep. It doesn't help that I have heavy worries regarding the controversial iconfessions app for the iphone and people not having their facts straight before speaking of the TRUTH, the WAY and the LIFE...my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ as well as Church teachings. After lying in bed for about ten or fifteen minutes trying to figure out if I was going to get back to sleep or not I realized I needed to pray for a woman in particular and those who spread deceitful information to those trying to understand more fully or learn about the Catholic faith.

I started by just speaking to God and telling Him my worries as well as asking for the intercession of all the saints here on earth as well as in heaven...after a few minutes though I realized there was something more I could pray, which is always at my disposal and that is very powerful indeed. The Rosary!

I rolled out of bed and began praying and meditating as best as I possibly could...I always seem to struggle when praying the rosary by myself, I'm not sure why. I took my time and prayed one full rosary...that's five decades of Hail Mary's, seven Our Father's, six Glory Be's, six of the Fatima prayer, one Apostles Creed and one Hail Holy Queen...in about an hour. For most a rosary takes between fifteen minutes and half an hour if the Litany of Saints is also done, like I said I took my time.

About half way through I realized that my heart felt like it was softening, my worries were melting away (not the worries so much but the anxiety they were creating) and I was even more awake and focused than when I first began. I've always thought that the rosary is beautiful and is completely a meditation if one fully immerses themselves into the prayer...normally however I really struggle to get through it, maybe I try too hard to stay focused or maybe I don't trust enough to turn my needs up to God even though intellectually I know only He can solve the worlds and yes, MY problems plus that His love is forever merciful and endless. This morning though I enjoyed, thoroughly enjoyed praying the rosary. I feel on top of the world, even if its only for this short time before the family wakes and our day really begins. I think I wouldn't mind incorporating this into everyday...that is if I can always just be awakened naturally...no alarms please.

For today at least I am grateful to have the rosary and for turning to it to calm my worries and turn all of today over to the Lord's Will and not my own. If my beloved wakes with enough time maybe we'll even get Lauds in together...I'm loving that I've been able to start today in prayer. Thank you my Lord and thank you our Lady for giving us the Rosary.

Holy Mary Mother of God, pray for us.
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Our Days

Oh how true this saying is...especially when a mother has only little boys. I have two bouncing, quite literally, boys ages one and three years. They are whirlwinds some days and it's all I can do to keep my head on straight with the house still attached to its foundation...at least at first glance. I guess I never realized just how much work being a mom is and everyday I am reminded that it is in fact a miracle that we are still a thriving society of many different people.

I would likely be awakened by an alarm in the mornings or by sleeping in til my body said, "enough" if I didn't have my boys. Instead every morning, sometimes the middle of the night, I am awakened by my three year old bounding into bed with me. Some days I am lucky enough to get him to lie with me for a few extra minutes of shut eye, but mostly it's my queue to get up and start the coffee pot so I can tend to his needs...a much needed diaper change, a sippy of milk, dry cereal, and the blessed Thomas the Tank Engine that he constantly wants played. This goes on til his brother wakes...usually around seven, where I shift focus for a minute to another much needed diaper change, a bottle of milk and a new episode of Thomas the Tank Engine. (If I'm lucky at this point he allows my to put on PBS while I make breakfast.)

Breakfast is then made for both boys and while they eat I enjoy a cup of hot coffee, sometimes while actually sitting. After breakfast we (I) clean up the mess(es) and start some dishes. Then it's play time...we'll call our game DESTROY THE ROOMS AS QUICKLY AND EFFICIENTLY AS POSSIBLE!!! This takes a total of ten minutes and the rest of the morning we spend dragging different toys into the living room, playing with them until we're bored (a few minutes) and getting some new ones. A snack then comes which I also get to pick up after as well as diaper changes if needed.

If I'm lucky enough to get the kids dressed with no fighting then we head outside to play. Since we live in Arizona the weather is almost always perfect for this...Thank God. The boys and I chase each other, go down the slide, play on the swings, maybe take turns pulling each other in the little red wagon and sometimes I'll pick some weeds while we're at it. This lasts anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and then it's back inside to make lunch including another round of Thomas...that engine just keeps on going. After lunch the boys get to go down for naps and I get to clean up the lunch mess(es), do some laundry and/or spend my time cleaning up the living room and getting things together so that I can start dinner. Once in awhile I'll get to spend nap time paying bills, balancing the checkbook, blogging or going onto facebook to get away for a few minutes.

After nap time I once again change diapers and give another little snack while Hadrien pleads for Thomas and I either give in or put on some Disney cartoon while I start dinner. I almost never get around to picking up the kids rooms...daddy usually helps with this task and I am grateful for it. While I get dinner going I'm usually fighting to maintain some order in the freshly picked up living room and squelching any brotherly fights that break out...sometimes one or both of the boys will simply be hanging from my leg(s) or climbing on the counter while I cook...this distraction takes great skill to overcome lest I burn myself or the food. In the middle of this is usually when daddy gets home from work and sees a frazzled mom, a messy house and two cranky boys, I'm amazed he stills walks in and kisses and hugs us all. Daddy goes around picking up and getting comfy while I get plates made and places set up for our dinner.

We all eat together and then we move onto bath time. This task we alternate...some days I bathe and dress, some daddy does, but mostly one of us will wash while the other cleans up the dinner mess and then that one will dress while the other gets beds turned down and starts turning down the lights for some quiet time before bed. Daddy usually puts Liam down himself after a final few ounces of milk and kisses all around. Then we both go in with Hadrien to say prayers, blessings and one of us may stay for a book before giving a final kiss goodnight. Daddy and I settle in for a few minutes before Hadrien is up out of bed and we usher him back...this repeats for anywhere between 10 minutes to an hour depending on how persistent Hadrien is being. Once he's fully asleep Daddy goes about getting his clothes ready for the next day and I either follow about from room to room if we're having a discussion or I plant myself on the couch, rarely I take a hot bath to wash the day away.

Daddy and I then spend some time together whether we watch tv or share the days events or both, sometimes we play a kindly competitive game of chess or risk or battle ship...only the first do I ever win at. Once this is done we say our Vespers together before turning in for sleep ourselves and then we repeat with some slight variations every day. It's quite amazing really. We make sure to spend quality time with our boys and each other everyday. It's busy and hectic and our boys are still quite young, I can only imagine what will be in store for us once they start school and sports. I love every minute of it, although I could do without the fussiness that occurs once a week all day and most evenings, every minute of it is a blessing. My day in a nutshell doesn't seem like much, but to my family I know it means the world and I am grateful that God gave them to me!

Wisdom is perishable...

...unlike information or knowledge, it cannot be stored in a computer or recorded in a book. It expires with each passing generation.



Which brings me to today's thoughts. Take a look, a long hard look at the pictures of a single mother (one woman) with her single child...what's wrong with the images?

They have similarities to be sure. One mother each, one child each...each woman is dressed as is each child. And that is where the similarities end.

In the first the mother is "properly dressed" including her hair being done up in such a way that it is out of her face and not in the way. The child too is "properly" dressed and from what we can see there is not a mess to be seen. This first mother is graciously and simply wagging her finger in disapproval of the child's actions...getting into the book shelf. The child in turn is focused on the actions of the mother and although still reaching we get the sense that this disapproval has just been issued and the child has not had the chance to remove his hand from the books. The mothers face is soft and not contorted in a grimace. The child's face is also soft and curious. We don't know if any sound was made in the first portrait of mother and child, we don't know if any sound was needed.

In the second the mother is casually dressed in clothes of "today"...jeans, a shirt and flat shoes, I know the ensemble well. Her hair is down, her finger also wagging in disapproval. Her face is contorted in utter disdain and we cannot see what the offense is or was. The child in turn is also casually dressed, but instead of being attentive to his mother, he has his hands covering his ears and his eyes tightly shut to her as he RUNS AWAY from her call of NO, no, no, NO, No, NO!

What has happened in the past 10, 20, 100 years to the vocation of motherhood and child-rearing? Why hasn't information or a way of life been handed down by our ancestors?

I am asking these questions today because well it's been a day much like the second picture is depicting in my house. I have a three and one year old whom I care for day-in and day-out, they are both boys. They are currently my little explorers and with their presence, more often than not, comes disaster. Toys strewn across 1200 sq ft of living space, stickiness, snot, spilled milk/water/beverages of all kinds, food in places that I'd least imagine, things breaking and my all time favorite the screaming ugliness that comes from their little mouths when they are unhappy with anything, most often each other over a toy. I have uttered that blessed little "No" so many times and ways today that eventually I figured out maybe I missed the definition and maybe I was even speaking a foreign language to my children that they were completely unresponsive to my pleas.

I have heard of child-rearing being a joint effort on the part of many women within the family unit and on days like today I wonder why as a society have we moved away from this community of bringing up children? It's too much for me and my two boys, let alone the single parents and their children, and I have a wonderful husband who helps me after work...a lot of parents are doing it on their own. I don't understand. But I do know that more hands make for light work...and then I'm left to wonder...why in the world didn't our grandparents leave us with some pertinent information before they passed and their grandparents before them...up to the point where the information was handed down. Then the question turns into "WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU LISTEN"...look at the state most parents are in today. We didn't get here by chance, it was a loooooong time coming.

I'm ready for the me generation to exit stage left and for the us generation to step up and figure out where we went wrong for one, to relearn old skills and for all of us to start taking care of each other again. Especially when it comes to raising children. If it's too much for a happily married couple and the stay at home mom in the equation then where is our next generation headed? I'm missing key elements to raising my children and although, everyday, I do the best I am capable of...most of the time I come up short. I'm missing a grandmother's perspective, an aunts, a friends, a neighbors...and I mean a DAILY perspective not just when they have/make time. My boys will, at this point, not be as well rounded as I know they can be with these missing peices in their lives.

All I can say for now is "I'm sorry, ... I don't know what happened or when, but I'm here and I'm trying."

Stairs to ...?

We make so many decisions in life. Some of them stemming from events we could control. The rest of the decisions we make as a reaction to external happenings that we don't have control of.

Lately on my journey through life I feel as though I'm getting "the point", I "understand" my purpose and I am making "progress"...which, as soon as I make these connections, is followed immediately by "WHAT?!?", I don't "understand and Am I even on the "right road"?

I know that God draws straight paths with crooked lines...yet this makes no sense to my feeble little mind. I know better than to try to understand God though! All I'm trying to do is be happy and as peaceful as possible with my family, as well as have them the same way. Seeing as I can only control how I feel and react to situations it gets sticky sometimes. Relationships are NOT easy.

They are WORTH IT though. I am thankful that I have a loving husband who cares enough to worry...all the time. I may not ever truly understand it, but I am thankful for him. Life can be a tricky balancing act, trying to make sure all the pieces fall together just right (I'm glad I don't have that job, my apologies to our Father) looking back to the past, to the present and even looking forward life can be like stairways.

Some twist and turn, some lead no where, some go through doorways, some only lead to the door, some move on there own & are faster than walking, some are no longer useful...they all let us go up and down or round and round, they let us get on or stay off, move faster or yes even slower...just like the decisions in life.

Today started with me feeling like I was on the stairway towards heaven, I was getting there, making progress. Followed quickly by feeling as though I were caught in the middle of a staircase that had no beginning and no end, I had no where to go and no way to get there. (Luckily this didn't last long) And now I feel as if I'm walking round a bend and maybe through another door way to some unforeseen destination. The unknown for me is not so frightening. I have my Lord and know he'll take me by the hand or lift & carry me whenever I need Him.

I also have my family, my health and mostly happiness coupled with peace that fill my days (especially today). Although the shape of my stairs has gone through many changes today I am remembering to be thankful for the blessings and the small tribulations that I am confronted with from time to time.

Like my early post says: God Bless Today & may I remember these three words all the days that have yet to come.
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Friggin' Happiness Fairy

This morning I awoke refreshed and rejuvenated. It lasted a total of about 2.2 minutes until I showed the world I was awake and the world spit in my face, figuratively speaking of course. I let this affect my good mood for about ten or so minutes before I decided to b*tch slap the world and tell her she wasn't going to get me down today!

So far she's listened...and backed off.

I can only hope that my husband was truly reassured and if not here is a little gift for him...(hope you laugh hon)

I know we are all on a journey back home and sometimes we need to let go and laugh, live, love...that's somebody's wall art I'm sure and it sounds a little cliche but it's absolutely true. We can't always control our emotions within certain situations and sometimes our imaginations run away with us trying to keep up. Sometimes we do need to slow down, take a step back and evaluate how we are doing with ourselves and with those in our lives. Sometimes we need someone else to clarify our conclusions for us, and that's okay too.

A constant cloud over our heads is no good for anyone. We need to LAUGH at ourselves, at/with those in our lives, at all the things in life that really make no sense to anyone. We need to do this in order to heal, feel what it means to be happy, to make good and sometimes embarrassing memories. Laughing is one of the great gifts God gave us. We need to LIVE with ourselves, civilly with those around us and in our lives, doing the things we enjoy and yes some of the things we don't enjoy. We need to do this in order for God to truly reveal himself to us through our experiences of living. Through our relationships and even through the mundane day to day routines we find ourselves in. This is another great gift that God has given us freely. We need to LOVE ourselves, those in our lives, those we don't know who cross our paths, those who came before us and those who've yet to come. We need to love the world we inhabit and all of the creatures that have been placed in our care. We don't have to like all of it or the choices we or others make, but it is essential that we love the person, the creature the planet in order to keep things running smoothly and in this we also come to learn of God and our own relationship with Him. This is the GREATEST gift God has given us, without Love the others cease to exist.

So today while it started out looking rough and I had an option to roll with it and respond in turn with disgust or respond in Love and reassurance for my beloved. I hope I did a well enough job. I know at least that my day has been filled with laughter (shared with my boys), living (I rolled out of bed and have accomplished most on my to-do list), and love for my family (and my routine). Thanks to the Friggin' Happiness Fairy for making me smile and God Bless Today!

The blues have set in

Well its the third week of 2011 and I am missing the craziness of the holidays.

I know that sentence sounds a little crazy in itself, but nonetheless its true. I am missing the days getting shorter and the chill of the night air. The buzz of excitement as everyone prepares for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Advent and Christmas. The smell of wood burning in peoples' hearths when I step outside and the stillness of winter evenings. Sipping cocoa or coffee and oh the baking that takes place in my home during the season. Mostly I'm missing the excuse to be ever nearer with my family.

Even with my two boys and my husband the house seems too quiet after the visiting comes to an end. I guess I don't understand why we only take advantage (mostly) of the last three months of every year to be with our families. Sure we say they drive us insane but that's what families do and despite the annoyances there are such joyous memories that are made anytime we are together, even if the circumstances are not ideal...for instance in the event of funerals, despite the sadness the surrounds the moment there are conversations or stories of remembrance for the deceased that make everyone smile with warm and fuzzy feelings that can only be experienced in the bosom of our families.

I wish I had the means to gather, more often, everyone together. Especially those who live out of state who we don't see for years at a time. And so seeing as, for this moment at least, I have not the means to accomplish the things I long for most the blues have set in.
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Hadrien Turns Three!

Hadrien Thomas Gilliland

I can't believe it's been three years since my second son and miraculous baby came to join us in the world. After my first son Angel was lost (more on this later this year) I was told I had no chance of conceiving or carrying a baby to term ever again. After six years of trying for a baby with no results, even from the medical community, my husband and I took a trip. A pilgrimage with his mom (my mom) to Medjugorje to visit the shrine of Our Lady of Peace and to ask for our Holy Mother's intercession for a baby if it was God's will. A few weeks later after we came home we were blessed with child. Hadrien is my miracle baby...the child the doctor's said I'd never have. Three years comes and goes very fast and sometimes, usually during a tantrum, I miss him being a newborn...even though I had no idea what I was doing as a new mom. We all made it though.

Hadrien came to be through my second cesarean section which was performed by my OB/GYN Dr. Deanna Bullaro...I have to say here that I adore this wonderful woman. She knew I had wanted to try to deliver naturally, Hadrien was in no hurry to arrive though and I was left with a decision between surgery with a fill in doc whom I'd never met or surgery with my Dr. Bullaro, I chose her. She came in while they were prepping me, gave me a hug and said, "I know this isn't what you wanted, but we'll take care of you." Talk about being put at ease. I've never before nor since met a Doctor who is more concerned with patient care than the bottom line. I love her and continue to see her to this day. My Hadrien was born January 22, 2008 at 8:26 am, he was 6 pounds 15 ounces and 19 inches long. He was crying before they even truly delivered him, even before they sectioned all the fluid so he could take his first breath and I am happy to report he still has the best set of lungs and puts them to use regularly.

Before Liam was born I thought Hadrien was an easy baby...boy did I have it wrong, lol. His tantrums have changed only in respect to what they are being thrown over. The terrible two's are given new meaning once they turn into the tyrannical three's. Despite the tantrums Hadrien is a fun loving boy who loves Lightning McQueen and Thomas the Train. He is very observant and most of the time he is loving towards all members of the family. He is sensitive and requires a bit of comforting at times but is also very independent and as stubborn as his momma. His Gaga refers to him as "a bull in the china cabinet" and his Papa calls him "button pusher". Hadrien didn't get his first tooth until he was 13 months old and also started walking around the same time. He takes his time doing things and is more interested in electronics than potty training. Let me add he can work an iphone and the computer with little to no help but still wants mom and dad to dress him most of the time.

We celebrated his third birthday with a Thomas the Train theme and introduced him to his first pinata (Nino brought a pooh bear pinata, it didn't match but when Hadrien was brought home the nursery was filled with the Classic Pooh Bear everything, so it still fit). Hadrien had a blast with his cousin Stormie and was given his first swing set for the back yard, a car bean bag which he lounges in to watch movies or play games on the computer, and his very own potty chair complete with dumdum suckers as a reward and his own big boy underoos. (Again he has no interest. but we're still working on it).










Hadrien has been the healthiest in the family and the past three years have in some respects gone by far too fast for my liking. I remember bringing him home and nursing him. He had a thing for his binky which I let him get rid of at one. He loves his milk and everything that includes cheese. He has the best smile and the biggest blue eyes. He loves giving hugs and kisses most of the time and still calms down when I sing "Hush Little Baby" to him. I Love You Hadrien even when you're acting like a tyrant and I wouldn't trade you for anything other than who/what you are! I am blessed to have you as my son and hope that God grants you all that your heart desires.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MIRACLE BOY!

Oy Vey

Have you ever had one of those mornings where you just wish you could crawl right back under the warm covers and start the day over. Today is that day for me and Fridays are usually so joyful and carefree in my house. I get the most done on Fridays and we are all anxious for the weekend when the four of us get to be together. The boys are usually happy go lucky and full of a playful spirit...Fridays are normally Great days.

Today feels more like a Monday for me. I was awakened by my beloved at 7am and told Hadrien is on the computer, Liam's awake but barely fussing and I (he) have to go so get up. Wow. Normally this would be fine but at the same time I usually am eased into the waking up process by my three year old crawling on me or my husband saying I'm leaving and giving me a kiss. Not this morning. I've been awake for a total of ten seconds and already I'm off to a rough start.

I get up, go to the ladies and then into the kitchen to make the baby a bottle and turn on my coffee pot. As I'm doing this my husband is out the door, I didn't get my kiss before my beloved left but at least I told him to have a good day. I get the baby up and get him comfy then its a small battle to get the three year old off of the computer. He doesn't quite understand that in order to play a game you have to stay on that screen, instead he ends up opening 30+ browsers and clicking on who knows how many apps, its a wonder the thing doesn't crash on a more regular basis.

Anyway I get PBS on the television for him and he starts to settle in, but wait, he brings me his vitamins. No problem I give Hadrien his and after he pops it into his mouth I ask him to give Liam the other one. (He does-the day is looking up). I have Hadrien put the vitamins away in the cabinet and go to the other room for diapers, when I come back, 30 seconds later, Hadrien is eating cookies and has pulled out some cake mix. Joy I think. Here's battle number two. I wrestle the cookies away from him, remind him we will be having cake tomorrow for his birthday, fill the bar stool upside down on the table so he'll stay off the counters and ask if he would like eggy toast for breakfast. He says, "No, pancakes". I say ok and set to work finishing to load and start the dishwasher, then gathering ingredients, a bowl, etc. During this I realize that my beloved has once again put my coffee cup in the sink before I'm finished using it. (See I reuse my coffee cup a couple times, sometimes the whole week before giving it a thorough wash in the dishwasher) Frustrating to say the least, so I send him a text that I know he was trying to help and clear clutter (which is a daily battle) but that if it happened one more time I was seriously going to lose it.

I get the dishwasher running and Hadrien and I begin the measuring of ingredients for breakfast. He's doing well, maybe the day is really starting to look up after all. I turn to get the milk and turn back to a pile of mix on the kitchen floor and Hadrien licking the dry ingredients from a spoon *shrug* I don't get it. I ignore the mess and we finish up mixing and add blueberries for a change up. (It was that or bananas and Hadrien chose the blueberries). Momma makes the pancakes. Hadrien is pulling on me the whole time, "mom, hai pancakes, mom" repeat 50x's...I get his made first, doctor it up (butter and syrup) cut it into bite size pieces and serve. Get Liam set up in his high chair and after making another pancake serve him as well.

By this point Hadrien has pushed his plate away from him and I tell him to eat. He says, "No, Hai want milk" I said, "Not until you eat breakfast, you've already had a cup this morning" He throws a tantrum, I send him to his room. When he comes back out he refuses to eat his pancakes, I let him know there will be no other food or snacks of any kind if he doesn't eat. He attempts to get up, huffily, to the counter to finish eating and because he's being a fussy gus he falls and then screams. What can I do but comfort him and remind him we need to be careful.
Liam and I finish our breakfast, Hadrien again refuses, so be it -I'm tired of fighting over the meal and can stick by the no snacks, no problem.

All of this and its only 8:15am...I'm exhausted, I want to lay down and veg out but we have company tomorrow so I need to finish cleaning. First I have a baby bath to give and some morning dishes to get clean...maybe I'll be able to enjoy a cup of coffee before noon. Besides I get to repeat the above battle over two more meals...

Oy Vey! I want my covers, I want to restart today and if I can't restart today, I guess there's always tomorrow.
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Sleep Is For the Weak

I am currently involved in two projects that, although time consuming, I absolutely love doing. The first has a deadline that will come and go and the second will hopefully last a very long time! Both were started at relatively the same time and so I am a bit sleep deprived at the moment.

Baby showers...one of my favorite things to plan; along with weddings and those showers. Currently I am helping to plan and execute a baby shower for a bouncing baby boy who will be born to my husbands cousins wife shortly after the shower is over. I was up late putting together invitations...I'm not big on the already made, fill in the blank, store bought invitations, NO. I like to pull out my creative and computer skills so that I can hand make them. Kinda scrapbook-y...but so much more personal than the first I mentioned. Between the invites (which I finished in just a few five hours), the shopping (which may be handled by Nana) and throwing the games together we're pretty much prepared. Those invites are more time consuming than the rest of the party planning, but again, so worth it!

The second endeavor I've taken on is writing, yes, handwriting, to a very nice lady who used to attend my parish but recently moved clear across the country, we'll call her M. So I have a pen pal...
Let me just say that the fact of our schools no longer teaching cursive in schools is horrendous, absolutely an awful and possibly the worst thing that could ever happen along with at least a dozen others that I can think of right this second.

Since it has been ages, I'm talking fifteen years - until a few months ago, since I've handwritten any kind of correspondence to any one person for any reason, we'll say I'm a bit sloppy. Not only is my penmanship awful, but my handwriting etiquette truly has failed me. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, I don't know, but that is how I feel. Technology has it's place in our society, but there is truly something more personal in receiving or sending a handwritten letter. You just can't express the emotion you feel while writing in an email, text, or even a blog post. For some reason though it comes through in the handwritten letter or postcard. I love the written language and so much has been lost already in our society that I felt moved to refresh myself and my skills through practice. A few months ago I started by writing my sister (in-law) Ruthe to tell her how proud I am of what she accomplishes each day in just being herself...this led to my longing for more. Like I said before M. moved across the country, I'm in AZ and she is currently in NC, we would talk a little here and there when we'd see each other in passing and she's sweet as pie but we really don't know each other. What better way to have a pen pal, I mean if it can't be a lifetime friend, than who better than an almost stranger who at the very least shares the faith with you.

After I finished the invitations, I finished my first letter to M. and finally made it to bed about 2 am. My precious boys never, NEVER sleep past 7 am (if I'm lucky), so I'm running on empty today and the saying holds true today especially, Sleep is definitely for the Weak! I am very excited though to have both of these projects, they are things that I love and so with that said it's worth it!

Where is our focus?

It is said:
When one door closes, another is opened or when one door is closed, God opens a window.

These are words of wisdom usually given to others or received by others in times of trial and they definitely have there place in our lives, since we can't seem to stay focused in our daily lives for more than a few minutes at any one given time. In the twenty first century everyone and I do mean everyone is constantly plugged in. Whether we are watching television or listening to the radio, on our work/home desktop/laptop computers or on the web via our cell phones, emailing, talking to (on rare occasions face-to-face), instant messaging, facebooking, etc. We are in a constant state of, for lack of better words, chaos. In my previous post I spoke of being compassionate for all of our brothers and sisters...this is and always will be true. I am currently wondering how this can be accomplished when we can't seem to focus and enjoy one tasks at a time in our busy-ness of living. Multitasking has its place in our society and serves a very good purpose when utilized correctly. However, somewhere in the past fifty or so years lost sight of the true purpose of multitasking, instead we've crammed so many things on our to-do lists that if you don't multitask then you fail miserably. This isn't the way to LIVE. It may very well be the way to die...afterall in the past fifty years or so how many more ailments have been invented, yet no one is stopping to really take a look at what's causing the problems...No one is FOCUSING on life. The simple tasks of being with family, taking in some nature, gardening, rolling in the grass, playing ball in the street, writing letters and sending them via snail mail, etc. Sure some of these things used to be done out of necessity rather than because they were enjoyable, but really aren't all of us longing for more in our lives. More time to do the things we love or spend time with our loved ones. Helloooooooo....when will we wake up and grab hold of the opportunities we take for granted everyday and walk through that open door to really and truly start living.

I'm READY!!!

A Little Perspective

I'll probably catch some heat for this one but I feel it's worth it. As most people across the nation have by now heard there was a tragedy in Tucson, AZ over the weekend. A boy made a horrible decision to bring a loaded gun to a Town Hall type gathering where a beloved congresswoman was speaking & where her friends/supporters/innocent passersby were in attendance. The boy decided it was necessary (for reasons we may never know) to shoot these people. Some have since died, some are still in critical condition, others are traumatized but physically okay. In listening to the local news (I am in AZ) or in reading reports of the events I have heard about the heroism, strength & also the losses. Condolences that have poured in, prayers, support coming from around the world. The amazing doctors, first responders, etc who are in charge or have had contact with the injured & are doing their parts to bring about healing. I've heard from the media all about the goings on in the justice system & how they will attempt to bring justice "healing" to the man (others) who are responsible for the horrendous act committed. I agree that justice must be served & all the prayers/condolences are needed for the victims...

Here's where the heat will come in...This boy (yes he's just a boy 22 years on this earth is hardly any time at all) & his family also need our prayers. He is hurt, suffering & misguided. He is still someone's son & I'm sure his mother is hurting at this time also. The boy needs help, whether it's sitting in a prison til the day he dies or being sent to the state hospital for that help...he needs help as does his family!

We as a people...the same lot...humankind need to step in & love our brothers & sisters, especially when we don't understand their actions. I'm sure there were many warning signs that something was amiss before this tragedy, there almost always are. I know that loving those who sin against us isn't ever easy, but until we can do this the peace in the world will always remain just out of our grasp.

I can only imagine how lonely this boy & his family feel right now. I pray for the victims, their families, their friends but I especially am praying right now for the boy, his family, his friends & hope that if there was anyone else acting with him they will feel remorse & do what is right by turning themselves in to the authorities. I pray that the boy & his family get the help they need, that he feels remorse for his actions, & that all involved may find forgiveness & love in the mist of all the heartache.