No Television :-D

Just before 2008 started I splurged and bought my husband a flat screen tv for Christmas. This was just before the birth of our oldest son. It recently has gone on the fritz and we've been turning it off more since half the screen is black. I finally called a repair man and they had to cart the thing off to run further diagnostics on it. The repair may cost $400 or we may have to fork out money to buy a new one....really not even five years old and already running into this kind of problem. Before this tv we had a huge box that I had bought in 99', sure it was bulky but it still worked nearly ten years later.

Whatever happened to making things that lasted?

Minus the headache and extra expense I have to say I am thankful for this reprieve. The tv gets turned on for background noise before I'm awake and then for the most part it stays on....just cuz. I've been guilty of allowing my kids to watch too much tv, although recently we've been spending more time outside. I feel like the tv is always too loud (even when it's off), too easy a distraction (from having meaningful conversations), not to mention too vulgar (have you seen the commercials/shows aimed at kids but not appropriate for adults). So I'm thankful to have some quiet for the whole family. And if the thing can't be fixed...well I may just go about saving up for a new one at a snails pace, on purpose.

Simon turns One

Simon came into the world much the same way as his brothers but boy is his personality different. He is my clown, he'll do anything for a laugh and can really get his dad going which is amazing. He looks very much like his dad when he was little brown eyes and all. He turned one today and it's crazy how fast the year went. Thanks to his big brothers he learned to crawl and walk earlier, also has more of his teeth earlier and he is a huge momma's boy. It's nice to finally have one who for the moment at least wants mom before dad. I'm blessed to be a mom and want nothing but the best for all of my boys. Happy Birthday Simon!

 

Laughing with dad

/

Do I have to wear this thing?

Don't mind if I do wear my cake

Time for a brother hug!

See I can help too!

A Laugh I Received from a Friend

SHATTERED

This summer has left me bone-weary and shattered, at least that's how I feel. It started with a poor choice in June and since then just doesn't want to let up. Here's the rundown:


JULY - Brother goes into hospital, they find a mass and he undergoes surgery to remove it. Same brother's house is foreclosed on with 3 days to get out. I help to coordinate the move (he's in the hospital recovering). Same brother is diagnosed with Stage 3 brain cancer. Step-dad goes into the hospital with his heart in A-Fibrillation, a week's stay. Help mom to clean the house for step-dad's return. Help same brother move into a new house.

AUGUST - Husband's phone breaks, luckily we carry insurance and so the phone company sends him a new one. The dryer goes out, my brother helps me purchase and install a new one. A leak in our house leaves me with out access to my kitchen for three weeks. Spend half of the month trying to get the work done to fix all that was damaged because of the leak. A slight reprieve when we head to Cornville for a weekend retreat.

SEPTEMBER - I finally get my kitchen back but am now dealing with the insurance to pay the water mitigation people and to have the rest of the work completed. (Their approved contractor kind of sucks.) Husband has an appendicitis and within a few hours of the diagnoses goes into the hospital for an appendectomy and an overnight stay, plus a week off of work. (At least his brother was in town to look after the kids while I stayed with said husband.) An unsolicited phone call I receive ushers in more chaos...ugh, and I thought I had finally gotten out of the 'doghouse'...and the month isn't over yet.


I think if the rest of the year continues in this belligerent way I am going to swear off 2012 forever...hmm, funny....I think NOT! Tired and shattered....

A Past Can Be A Problem

We all have them.

A past, a history, all those events in life that helped to form us into the person we currently are. And the more we age the longer our past is. I had hoped that certain parts of my own past would travel with me in life. The memories certainly do and can. I have a few childhood friends who remain in touch if only by getting together to celebrate a child's birthday once a year. Its a time for us to catch up and be awestruck with how quickly all of our little ones are growing.

I wonder about others sometimes....where has life taken them, what are they currently doing etc. I tried for a short time to bring some of those past friendships into my present. But it didn't go so well. I forgot to keep my boundaries intact completely and acted like a "dumb teenager" again. Luckily I had people around me to bring me back to the present me before things got too out of hand. I still hurt someone I love in the process but have been and continue to try to correct the error and work on rebuilding the level of trust that took Y-E-A-R-S to develop, moments to breakdown. We all make mistakes but fixing them is usually a longer process.

Part of that rebuilding is being honest in all aspects of life, especially those parts that will cause unrest. I'm doing my part for sure even though sometimes it's very, VERY difficult for me to be that vulnerable. Here's where I'm struggling though...is doing the right, honest, good thing ever a win-win? In my experience it never has...there are always too many variables in play and ultimately someone always has feelings hurt, are disappointed, angered, feelings of distrust are raised again and the thing that I thought was right, honest and good suddenly doesn't seem to be. (Although had I done the opposite it still would've been wrong and a lie to boot'!)

In my thirty-some-odd-years of life I'm learning another lesson...having a past meet present can, and maybe always does, become a problem.

*Sigh

Alone

NO...

Sure enough my previous fears have come to reality. My baby brother is 29 years young, has an almost four year old daughter, a wife with two teenage sons from previous relationships...and he's been diagnosed with Anaplastic Astrocytoma...stage 3 brain cancer.

I can only imagine from a mother's standpoint what my own mom is going through, let alone what my brother is going through. I can barely comprehend what I'm feeling so how much worse is it for any of them?

I've had two grandparents, one I was really close to, who fought and died from breast cancer. I have a grandfather, one we thought would die from the bottle, who may end up kicking the bucket from prostate cancer (diagnosed this past January). I have various aunts, uncles, cousins who've died after battling various types of cancer...so I am no stranger to this disease or the havoc it wreaks on the body.

But suddenly I feel so alone...

Is it the fact that it's my baby brother? I don't know. All I know is I am not taking this news well. My research has turned up, at best odds, a life expectancy of 5yrs tops...more likely between 18 months and 2.5 years...it's a death sentence. Don't get me wrong, I know from the moment of conception we are all on our way to our eternal life. We have no control over this, I myself have lost a son too early, I understand physical, untimely death better than anyone should. I trust in God, I trust in His ultimate plan for each of us...our free will withstanding.....sometimes my humanness takes over though and I'm suddenly a two yr old throwing a tantrum, kicking and screaming that it's NOT FAIR!!!

I want to talk about this, I want to have someone hold me and let me cry for as long as it takes to get it all out...I want to take this burden, this cross from my kid brother or at least to give him some sense of peace. But instead, I feel so alone...I'm on an island and I can't make the words come out of my heart or my head...I can't form a sentence to let anyone know what I'm going through, the internal struggle that's taking place within me...

I'M ALONE and my heart is aching.

Merry-Go-Round...Almost

When you're a child the sight of a carousel or merry-go-round brings nothing but a feeling of utter delight. The ride makes you feel weightless and carefree...this is the feeling of youth, no worries, no anxiety, just innocence in action.

As an adult you may remember that feeling...but you begin to associate the merry-go-round with routine or the never ending cycle of wake, work, eat, sleep and repeat. It's almost like a ride you become trapped on with no way off. Life seems to get the upper hand and the pressures of adulthood loom unbidden and sometimes unforgiving.

These past few days have been crazy insane to say the least. Everything has come crashing down around me and my family in a completely unexpected way. It's the merry-go-round from hell that we can't seem to escape and it's affecting each of us differently with some elements overlapping and drawing us together...those elements are the only things keeping us from ripping our hair out or worse, because we can at least be supportive as one goes up and the other goes down, we can laugh at the chaos and cry when we drop the last ball, we are present to each other now in a way that we always should be but usually fail at being.

FAMILY

During this time of crisis in my family I have to pause and count my blessings. My brother is sick and in the hospital, his wife is out of work but is scheduled to start a new job Monday (blessing), they are losing their house but brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends niece and nephew are all pulling together to make the move or give them a place to stay (blessing), and my husband...is my rock...has stepped up to take care of our boys, our house, all the mundane repetitive little things (making sure everyone is fed including me) and helping with the move, supporting me etc...(HUGE BLESSING)!!!!

It is true that Love begets Love. Every kindness that my brother has ever shown is being returned to him tenfold and he isn't fully aware of it just yet. There are so many people around the world praying for him and his family right now. I say around the world because not only is my local parish praying for them but he has been put on a prayer chain that reaches clear across the planet. Through actions that he can see and those he can't he and his family are being lifted up and I am thankful.

I am thankful for my sisters, the one who is here in town and those who are in a different state. For my other brother and his friends for pitching in and giving up their Saturday, last minute, to do a move in AZ in the middle of summer. I am thankful for my niece and nephew who are giving up some of their summer vacation to help tend my little ones so I can be free to make phone calls, be active in the move on Saturday, free to visit my brother. I am so thankful for the extended family...most of all, just above my husband, I am thankful, to God. This may not be the best situation but I know He is at work in all of our lives and it is all for the greater good, even if we don't understand it right now. I am thankful that He is in charge and that I can simply put all of this, the sadness, the worry, the gratitude, the joy, everything in His hands and whatever happens I know we all will be taken care of. I am thankful for the family, immediate, extended and otherwise that He has given me...I could do none of this without Him!

Beyond

My sister and I went to the hospital early this morning. My brother had a massive headache and had already been given quite a few medications and although he may not remember we went in to pre-op to let him know we were present and that we weren't going anywhere and that he would be okay. We caught up with other family members and after hours of waiting...

 the surgeon came out told us that the surgery was 'cake' (so to speak) and that he was able to remove all but 5% of the mass. He let us know what it looked like, the cystic portion being "popped" (ie. of no concern) and the solid mass being sent out for pathology. The 5% left was solid mass but he "didn't think" was cancerous. My brother woke, was able to talk and his strength was good. The power of prayer is a miraculous thing. I breathe a sigh of relief but I know that we aren't out of the woods just yet. We must wait for the lab results...a week or maybe more. 

Home again I get a call, my sister from California, asking what is going on with my brothers house...a message posted on facebook has concerned her. I tell her I don't know since I am no longer on facebook but that I'll investigate and get back to her. I call my sister-in-law...oh lord, this poor family can't catch a break...their house has been in foreclosure for a few months but after getting laid off, my brothers' health issues, and subsequent surgery she returns home for some much needed sleep to find out they have to vacate the property by the 16th...like three days from now. To say that she is beyond stressed out is a serious understatement. The poor girl is about to lose it, literally. I tell her that her only job is to get some sleep that I will take care of the other arrangements. I call have a dozen people, coordinate with my 'dad' and we come up with a plan of action. Saturday we will all meet up, pack and move their belongings to a storage unit and they can stay with my mom or other friends until they are back on their feet. 

Simple enough...but I know beyond the surgery, which I am so thankful for things going as quickly and as well as they did, beyond the pending move, there is still a beyond that is unknown for my family...a beyond that we may not be prepared for or are completely prepared for...it is beyond the threshold, hidden from us for today...

What does the beyond hold in store for us? 

Change, when it comes, cracks everything open

 

Today began as normal, tending to my children and getting my husband out of the door, lunch in hand, to work. The day was progressing as normal too, kids needing breakfast, snacks, lunch, nap, diaper changes, nursing, playing, fighting, fussing, joys and frustrations...just a normal day in my busy life. And then came the phone call from out of the blue (I don't hear from too many people during the week), a semi-frantic sister calling to tell me about my brother undergoing further testing at the hospital for what appears to be some type of mass in his brain.

um, WHAT?!?

She realizes rather quickly that this is the first I'm hearing of the situation and begins to apologize profusely for blurting it out so abruptly. I tell her not to worry about it, allow her to fill me in on what she knows and then I call my mom. At this point all they know is my brother had been having a migraine for the past couple weeks and his wife finally got him to go to the ER. My brother has always hated....no, LOATHED....hospitals, he associates them with death and so it's always been a battle to get him to go even if his limbs were hanging at an awkward angle due to being obviously broken. While in the ER someone mentions that he had been slurring his words and when they ran a CT scan they found a mass...a very large mass. The doctors run an MRI and then transfer my brother to a different hospital to undergo surgery in the morning. All they can tell us is it's big and they are worried about the pressure it's putting on his brain so they want to get it out, get it biopsied and get him back to health. As far as the scans go the mass appears to be cystic and non-cancerous, but they cant say that for sure until they get it out and run the pathology of the thing.

As soon as my husband got home my sister comes and picks me up and we head to the hospital. My poor brother, still in pain and stuck in a place he is scared to death of, looks at me and nearly starts to cry. I'm the big sister and he looks so little to me as he lays in his hospital bed with IV's running meds into his tired body...of course the stubborn ass won't try to sleep he's so overwhelmed by the events of the last 12hrs. The assistant doc for the neurologist comes in to go over some basic information and answer what questions she can, then she takes the few of us there out to the computer to show us the images they captured earlier...I get a look, there is a cystic portion but then there is also a solid portion that makes up approx a quarter of the total size and the sinking feeling enters my stomach. After working in a radiology facility for a couple years you learn what things look like when they are unhealthy. I push the thought aside and return to my brothers side as the others stay to ask questions. He confides that he's worried as hell and his tears finally well-up and spill over sibling to sibling. I try to reassure him that the surgery will go okay and that it has to so we can pick on the baby brother when he returns from Afghanistan. He nods. I ask him if I should have a priest come visit, he says no and when I say that it may make him feel better since he's so worried he gives me a final, "That's the last thing I want right now"....which tells me he has one more thing to be angry with God for and I shouldn't push it. I say ok and then hug him, tell him I love him and that if I could I'd take away the pain I would. Everyone else comes back into the room and our "alone" time is over.

My sister brings me back home and all I keep thinking is not my brother, damn kid is only 29, let surgery go well, please not cancer....my world is cracking and there is a wait ahead of us as we see if any lasting damage will be done, as we wait for pathology results, as we wait for God's will to be done.

John Jr., Jessica and Jeremiah 2002

MAD WORLD

All around me are familiar faces 

Worn out places, worn out faces  

Bright and early for the daily races  

Going nowhere, going nowhere

 

Their tears are filling up their glasses 

No expression, no expression  

Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow 

No tomorrow, no tomorrow

 
And I find it kind of funny, 

I find it kind of sad  

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had 

I find it hard to tell you, 

I find it hard to take  

When people run in circles

 its a very, very Mad world, mad world

 
Children waiting for the day they feel good  

Happy birthday, happy birthday 

And I feel the way that every child should 

Sit and listen, sit and listen

 
Went to school and I was very nervous  

No one knew me, no one knew me  

Hello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?  

Look right through me, look right through me

 
And I find it kind of funny, 

I find it kind of sad  

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had  

I find it hard to tell you, 

I find it hard to take  

When people run in circles its a very, very  

Mad world, mad world, 

enlarging your world  

Mad world

Bittersweet Milestones

I love babies!
I love being a mom!

I love the new little people that are created through the love of their parents. The new baby smell amazes me and is so calming (somehow they all manage to smell the same when they're brand new). This little being who is completely reliant on others and who loves/trusts unconditionally, they really show us without doing a thing other than being what we should all strive for in life. That is completely loving, trusting and yes even reliant on others so as not to become self-centered and egotistical but to always strive to be the best we can and to help others be the best persons they can be. Sure I can do without the spit-up, drool, poop and the colic I really don't care for...overall though babies are the best thing in life.

Somethings on this journey, however, are bittersweet. Watching babies grow is miraculous....I don't care what anyone says I enjoy finding miracles in the simplest things in life and even with the biology/science behind it the way everything works in our bodies is miraculous! This little infant who goes from not being able to do anything but breathe, suckle, pee/poop and mostly sleep to holding their heads up, grabbing things, mouthing things, crawling, sitting, standing, walking, talking, somewhat independent toddlers (in no particular order). These little milestones are truly bittersweet and remain so for the rest of our lives. Bitter because we remember and in some ways miss the baby, the smell, something cute that stands out from those precious moments, the reality of the fact that the baby will one day become an adult and no longer be living at home or the milestone itself may be what we miss...seeing the wonderment and look of achievement on our little ones face. Sweet because it's a moment when a "FIRST" has taken place and we only get so many of those in our life.

Simon has been crawling for a few months, pulling up on the furniture for a month and a half and today he cut his first tooth. Next stop walking and table food...they grow too fast!

Simon's first tooth (7 months)

LACK OF...

CONTROL 

 Don't you mess with a little girl's dream

'Cause she's liable to grow up mean

Surprised you to find that I'm laughing?
You thought that you'd find me in tears
You thought I'd be crawling the walls
Like a tiny mosquito and trembling in fear

Well you may be king for the moment
But I am a queen understand
And I've got your pawns and your bishops
And castles
All inside the palm of my hand

While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me

I was taking control

Now I have taken control
Now I have taken control...

This is beginning to feel good
Watching you squirm in your shoes
A small bead of sweat on your brow
And a growl in your belly your scared to let through

You thought you could keep me from loving
You thought you could feed on my soul
But while you were busy destroying my life
What was half in me has become whole

While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me

I was taking control

Now I have taken control
Now I have taken control...

So this is how it feels
To breath in the summer air
The feel the sand between my toes
And love inside my ear
All those things that you taught me to fear
I've got them in my garden now
And your not welcome here

Come a little bit closer
Let me look at you
I gave you the benefit
Of the doubt it's true
But keep in mind my darling
Not every saint is a fool

While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me

I was taking control

Now I have taken control
Now I have taken control...

Don't you mess with me

Father: there has to be more to life than this, because in our
confrontation with a cold cold universe, there is something comical
to the idea that we can really impose our will on humanity-- power corrupts!

Daughter :
This is scaring me

Father and daughter 2:

Daughter : ...I live at the end of a 5 and 1/2 minute hallway

Father:
And at the end of it all lies of course the final
phenomenon of deterioration entropy, which is a predictable
disintegrations which the creative life ceases: everything has to fall apart.

Daughter:
Why are you always so serious?!

 

True Story

There is nothing more frustrating and exciting (at the same time) then being interrupted by your children in a moment of what could be marital intimacy. Below what will be shared is a true moment in my home.

I wake with my husband, he tells me, "I'm running late."  I respond, "So I shouldn't join you in the shower?" He says, "You can come if you want." He makes sure the kids are set up with cartoons and cereal, I jump in the shower ahead of him. We do our usual showering and then things begin to get a little steamy...

Next thing we know, before anything other than a good morning kiss takes place, our oldest comes in asking where mommy is...dad says I'm not sure, maybe in the potty...I'm trying my hardest not to laugh. We commence kiss and then HT is back in saying, "Dad, she's not in there, the alarm daddy the alarm."

Andy asks me if I hear the alarm, which at that moment I don't...we resume said kiss thinking we're clear...naive parents!

Our middle child enters the bathroom saying, "Daddy, it's too loud." At this point Andy hears the house alarm in full force, says, "Oh, crap they set it off." as he grabs a towel and leaves me...I sigh, do a final rinse, grab a towel of my own and start to step out of the tub when HT peeks around the corner, " Mommy, I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU!"

I tell him, "I was hiding." Step out of the shower and holler for my phone since I know the alarm company will be calling to make sure we don't need police assistance.

As husband and wife we don't always get to enjoy each other like we used to...as a matter of fact 9 times out of 10 we are simply under siege and we have to maneuver very cunningly to not be seen as we share our love...God Bless parenthood!

Little Boys

Being the mom to three little boys I am mostly out of my comfort zone to say the least. I have learned that boys are different than girls, in a way that I hadn't realized before, duh right!?!

Boy like to play hard...girls pretend hard

Boys roughhouse...girls play house

Boys eat any and everything....girls have tea

Boys kick, throw and build/stack their toys...girls play house

So many differences, some similarities...but the things that throw me off most of all are the innocent statements made by my four year old regarding his...well...balls. We're not talking play things here, no footballs, basketballs or baseballs...no these are the male genitalia, also known as balls

Recently as my oldest was reviewing his anatomy book, that he's looked at many time before, he comes to the reproductive organs and feels it necessary to say, "See mom, these are my balls and my peepee." As he points to the picture. I acknowledge and agree. The part that throws me is when he takes off his underwear and says and demonstrates, "See THESE are my BALLS, and when I pull them they hurt and then they don't."

I about lose it...but retain my composure and say, "Yes, son, please don't touch them...you don't need to, I see." He lets it go and then I ask my husband how I should respond in such a situation. Being a girl...we don't usually do this type of thing...I know he's curious and figuring things out. I know that this is natural and I know there will come a time for a lesson in self discipline, at four it's not that time just yet. So how is a mom to respond. My husband says, "Just tell him daddy will talk to him."HT's interest has moved on and there's no need to say this.

When my husband gets home he does have a talk....it is straight and to the point...it is NOT something a mother would ever say, but coming from daddy seems perfectly natural and HT takes it in stride. The subject has not come up again THANK GOD...when it does I hope I am better prepared. Little ones sometimes catch us off guard and we have to improvise more than we are sometimes prepared for....I am so very thankful that I have my husband by my side to help me in these awkward moments. I fear if I didn't I'd simply make an ass of myself...boys and girls are different in more than one area and I am praying that I am able to raise our boys with the compassion that women carry within themselves, a sense of nurturing and being aware of others emotions but without turning them into momma's boys...I am hoping to raise them to be strong, independent, courageous and the "rocks" that they will need to be in their own families. This momma does not want to raise sissy, Lilly-livered wusses! But Lord help me, I've no idea of all things that make up little boys, I'm learning though and it is an adventure!

...I Used to Know

Somebody that I used to know
        by, GOTYE

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody

A Dream

Sometimes in life time passes by so quickly that it seems to be nothing more than a dream. Did that moment really happen...was it really you. The 'you' having grown, matured and become a different reflection of the 'you' in your youth.

I've slowly been reconnecting with my friends from my youth. We all remember the most amazing and sometimes embarrassing moments...some even that do not reflect the best of ourselves even from the 'we were just kids' perspective. But we also remember some moments that we all simply cherish.

It's amazing to reflect with these people because life choices have led us all to where we currently reside in life. Most of us have kids, some have been married and sadly divorced, some have never known anything other than their career in an effort to get to their 'goal' in life. Regardless of these choices we are where we are and it amazes me that we can (for the most part) pick up right where we left off like nothing ever changed. We still consider ourselves friends even after so much time has past.

I cherish all of these people. Some made more of an impact then others for sure..for example three friends when I was 12 were there the night I had my first kiss. It was my birthday weekend, they came to the Valley with me and we went out to the movies, snuck into another movie (kind of) and hung out with four boys we'd just met...Gorgie was his name and these three other friends literally witnessed my first kiss. Then back at my moms we stayed up even later smoking in my bedroom closet or the bathroom. There are others who just briefly passed by me in my youth but now we share the births of our children, the heartache of marriages that didn't last and all the hardships and joys that come with motherhood. Every person made an impact, small or large, that got me to where I am.

There are those in life that despite the 'dream effect' stand out for each of us. Any kind of first for sure; first kiss, first relationship, the one who deflowered, first heartache, first marriage (hopefully only), first baby, etc. There are also those people that you think of regularly, wondering where life has led them...if they are okay, best friends, those we go to in a pinch. So on and so on...

In a dream we can live a lifetime...in a lifetime we may live many or our time may be short. I strongly feel that our connections to our youth can travel with us into our present/future selves and many times reveal to us an even deeper understanding of who we are. I have had many chance encounters that may have, if I'd made a different choice, led me down a different path. I am thankful for where I've been and the choices I've made, even the mistakes, because it has led me to here and I have NO REGRETS!

I'll keep on dreaming...

One woman's fear

Every once in a while a thought will fleet it's way across my mind and it usually happens when I glance in a mirror. I try not to do this unless necessarily but when I do catch that glimpse I pause and there is the thought...is that...


could it be...


sagging...


wrinkles...


cellulite...


etc.


I pride myself on loving the body that God gave me...including any damage I've inflicted on it. But sometimes I still doubt my beauty. Sometimes I feel ugly. Sometimes I wonder what a lift or tuck may accomplish and then I quickly dismiss the thoughts because despite what or how I may feel in that moment, deep down in the very depths of my being I DO LOVE MYSELF...


JUST THE WAY GOD MADE ME...


INCLUDING WHATEVER DAMAGE I'VE  INFLICTED!


I am who I am and if you don't love it as much as I do then you don't deserve to have it...plain and simple. Girls will always be younger, tighter and perky then I will ever be again...but at least I won't ever be plastic!

How's this?

"Breakeven" ~ The Scripts

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... even... no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces
One still in love while the other one's leaving
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break
No it don't break
No it don't break even no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
(Oh glad your okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(Oh I'm glad your okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no

Sister

Family is not always biological. As a matter of fact sometimes family isn't "blood-line" related at all. But every day I thank God for my sister Ruthe. We are family through an ex-marriage of my step-brother who isn't biologically even my step-brother. But she treats me as her sister and I return the treatment. In fact we are more sisters than even my real half or true step sisters. I love her to the very depth of my being and I am happy that she reciprocates the love!

Ruthe is there for me to be my sounding board, my anchor to the world and she shows me what it is how it is to be true to oneself as well as true to others. She is not perfect by any means, but time and time again she is there for me and my family and I thank her. I thank God for her being put into my life. I thank God for her triumphs as well as her tribulations.

We grew up together when each of our lives were chaotic or rather when each of us were growing from youth into adulthood. And while we didn't maintain much of a relationship at first we have grown to see each other and be apart of one anothers lives more and more each passing year. She loves my children and my husband as if we truly were born into the same family and while I do have those types of sisters, Ruthe is the one person, the one sister that I can turn to in a pinch. Some of this is simply because of distance (I think) but mostly because of who Ruthe is.

She is compassionate, self-giving, stubborn at times, longing for a love of her own, a mother, an ex-wife, a sister, a woman who is still finding herself, afraid and yet courageous, a daughter of God, kind, gentle hearted, intellegent, beautiful and above all loving. She is my sister, I am grateful for her and I LOVE HER!

LIFE

Life is truly funny...what do we truly want out of this thing we call life? Simply to be happy, content or fulfilled right?!?

Sometimes I find myself thinking back....to my past where I was five or six and my parents were arguing and I was scared...or to where I was in high-school and my friends and I would go hang out at "stoner park"...or to where I was dating a guy six years my senior...to where I dated a girl...to where I was figuring out where here was.

Where is here???

Happiness is here. We all dream of whatever it is that makes us happy, content...no disruptions...no drama. In life that is what we all hope for, even if we can't name what it is. For some it is simply being a mom or dad, others the career and others still just to be.

I find myself these days reflecting on what was and what is...I was lost in many ways and now I find comfort in my faith, my God. I used to try to find myself through my physical attributes and I exploited them in numerous ways and now I am fulfilled through my marital vows. People may not understand this, but the Sacrament of Matrimony is very different than a civil union.

I am happy where I am...Married with three beautiful boys...I however still think from time to time about how I came to be here and all the people in-between that helped along the way to lead me here. I wonder where they are and if they are happy. Not the -I'm presenting a front to seem happy- but truly happy with their own paths in life. Each touched my life so profoundly and taught me more about myself then I can ever express my gratitude for....TRULY I AM GRATEFUL TO EACH OF YOU!

I regret nothing because without it all, the experiences, I wouldn't be the me I am. I made mistakes yes, and I'm bound to make more but without the things I've experienced I wouldn't be where I am...and where I am currently in Life is happy...daily, maybe not, but overall content and truly happy YES! I have all I've ever dreamed I could have and more and I only hope and pray that those who've helped me get here are experiencing the same.

Life is funny...the ups the downs and the in-betweens...Despite the hardships I continue to LOVE and be HAPPY!!!

Ducks...In...A...Row...?

One of my top ten pet peeves is having my ducks thrown back in the water.

What do I mean by this?

Well I'm the type of person who likes to put her ducks in a row with any type of event that is outside of the normal routine. So if I'm invited to an event I like to know when, where, who, what to bring...along with is my family invited including the kids or is it an adult only event...I could go on.

There are many things that come up now with Hadrien in the atrium program, almost starting school, with Andrew in formation and all the events that come up with that, plus the pediatric appointments we have that come up regularly for Simon. Liam hasn't yet joined in on these events but he is following close behind. Then there is myself, doctor appointments, family events, time to scoot away to renew my energies (a mani-pedi treatment for example). Getting a sitter for a date night or formation weekend. Again I could go on and on.

My personality requires that I keep a rigorous calendar and that my husband is synced with said calendar so he also knows whatever events we have coming up. This is the one area in my life that I DEMAND organization 100% of the time. I'd love to say that my domestic skills are also at this level, especially where the kitchen and laundry are concerned...but let's be honest, in those "other" areas I run at a consistent 80% at best. (So I'm not perfect...geez, I really hate that)

Alas, life is what it is and with so many external variables at play the ducks that I take excruciating time and effort to meticulously line up are on occasion thrown...no, kicked...(yes, kicked is more accurate) back into their little pond and I'm forced to scramble around picking up the pieces. Not to mention everyone involved are wondering why something so simple has turned chaotic or why I'm suddenly stressed out. I know I need to remember to breathe, to go with the flow sometimes, but seriously don't touch my DUCKS....they are mine and usually before lining the little buggers up I check with those who may have a different idea of how things should go so that I'm not stepping on toes or making plans if none need to be made. FYI: Please give me your input, but if you stay silent don't go kicking my ducks.

The ducks KNOW their job....let them do it!

Directions

Life continues to make changes...these days it happens monthly or so it seems. In October we add bouncing baby boy number three. Talk about a shift in household dynamics. Mostly good but sometimes stressful changes are occurring constantly since we now have my husband, myself and our boys; 4yrs, 2yrs and 4 months...plus our two cats. For me it's only stressful as I try to find a balance between them and me. I mean after you have a kid you have to figure out where they end and you begin...times that by three or four if you include a spouse. I'm learning to make time for me even if it means I'm the last to bed at night. I need that thirty or so minutes to care for myself whether I jump in a shower (uninterrupted), watch tv (uninterrupted) or catch up on chores I didn't make it to during the day (uninterrupted)...see the pattern?!?

I'm also relearning that life changes directions all the time, it's inevitable, but as long as you travel with the terrain and don't fight it too much then things keep moving,

Trying to Remember to Breathe

"Breathe (2 AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you'd only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.