Now What

After my last well woman's exam my GYN had me tested once again for PCOS. I figured hey, why not find out once and for all and if it is pcos at least it's treatable and it will explain all of my symptoms for the past 15+ years. I had to wait a month for all of my lab and ultrasound results and I was going crazy waiting. I got the call today and everything is NORMAL.

WTF?

Sure part of me is glad that I don't have to deal with being a guinea pig while starting different meds, getting poked and prodded as they monitor progress, don't have to really change up my diet or lifestyle habits (I try to stay healthy as it is but a pcos diet is more extreme). A huge part of me is relieved; then there is the darker side of me rearing its ugly little head.

Seriously, WTF?

So now what? All of my blood work came back normal...everything from my thyroid to my estrogen  including different vitamin levels were tested and out of seven vials of blood work every single thing, all my hormones, everything, is normal. So I'm taking care of myself. The ultrasound also came back normal and this is a slight surprise since the tech said it would be interesting to see how the labs came back because what she was looking at she would say yes I have pcos. This crap drives me crazy.

What do I do now? Why aren't my cycles regular, why is it so difficult for me to conceive? Why am I having such a hard time with the last 15lbs I'm trying to lose. Why do I feel like such a basket case sometimes and why do I get so fatigued in the afternoon for long stretches at a time. Apparently I am a picture of health. I'm so frustrated.

Some days I think my 16 year old self was right when I told my mother that she wired me wrong. At least there I'm blaming my mom and not God. Although I am seriously questioning Him about what feels like a few cruel jokes...in my heart I know He doesn't work like that and I'm just lashing out about one more thing I don't understand. I guess this is just one more moment where I need to give all of this over to Him to do what He wills and think happy thoughts in the meantime.

Missing the Ocean

To me, the sea is like a person — like a child that I’ve known a long time. It sounds crazy, I know, but when I swim in the sea I talk to it. I never feel alone when I’m out there. Gertrude Ederle

This is me walking into the ocean back in 2005...I was cutting back then. The ocean was healing to me, even though the beach was relatively full that day it was me and the sea, a conversation and a change in the current to heal some wounds. Some see the ocean and fear it, it's too big they say. Not me, I've always been at home in the ocean. It's a wonder that I never moved into it's back yard, but then I respect it and it's awesome power to destroy...so I also keep my distance, at least as far as where I live. I did the next best thing though and married a sailor. One who shares my love and my respect for the sea. He probably understands her better than I do...sometimes he understands me better than I do.

I'm missing the crash of the waves today, the feeling of littleness but not aloneness, the smell of salt & sand, the smell of the sun on my skin, the way the water caresses, the vastness...I'm missing the ocean today. I no longer am a cutter and have covered those old scars with a tattoo of cherry blossoms to remind me that nothing will break me and all things can become new again with a little patience, some courage, and a lot of faith. I know the ocean has many secrets within it and that a simple visit can recharge me for the journey that still lies ahead.

I'm simply missing the ocean.