Picky Picky

The recent battle in my house especially with my three-year-old has been when/what/how he eats. I was raised in a house where you cleaned your plate whether you liked what was put in front of you or not. I once spent an hour at the table chewing on what my father thought was a piece of steak, but turned out to be a piece of gristle that was not getting any smaller despite my constant chewing and was too big for me to just swallow...eventually I was allowed to spit it in the garbage and get up from said table. We were also taught manners when it came to family meals...say may I be excused when finished eating before taking your plate to the kitchen sink; pass the salt, pepper, bread etc and don't just reach across the table for something you want that is not directly in front of you; may I have more, please, thank you etc; don't fight or argue, use your silverware and your napkin or paper towel...and never, ever horse around or stick your hand in a cup for a piece of ice.

Now that I am a mom I value most of these lessons even if I don't force all of them on my own children at their current young ages. I believe there is a set time for meals and a separate time in between for a snack. I don't think my children should walk around with a sippy cup all day long filling up on fluids so that they are full when it comes time to actually eat. I try to maintain some consistency with the time of day that we have breakfast, lunch and dinner...however, we are flexible when our day is thrown a curve ball and things come up. In this day and age I see many styles of parenting...in many instances the child is the dictator and the parent the slave who does whatever the kid says...this saddens me immensely and I hope our Heavenly Father is merciful to these parents when it comes time to answer for their offspring's souls.

That said I'm sure that I am in between being strict and being lenient...some things I'm stricter on and some I'm more lax...I try to big and choose my battles with my little ones so that they aren't throwing tantrums or being scolded 24/7. When it comes to meals I usually give my Hadrien a choice in what he would like to eat...for breakfast: oatmeal or eggs...eggy toast or pancakes...french toast or breakfast burritos. For lunch: grilled cheese or peanut butter and jelly...quesadillas or pizza bites...bean and cheese burritos or egg salad sandwiches. And then for dinner he gets to eat what we all as a family are eating and most of the time he even helps my to prepare and/or make the meal.

The battle which we are faced with more often than not these days happens because of his age I'm sure...he'll request eggs for instance and I make them, place them in front of him, and he proceeds to get down from the table, plate untouched. I remind him that he asked for eggs and that if doesn't eat them then he will have to wait til lunch before he gets anything else to eat. He doesn't eat, I let breakfast sit there for an hour before consuming it myself, giving it to his brother or throwing it out and proceeds to request snacks throughout the morning, I stick to my guns and he waits.

Lunch time comes he request grilled cheese, I make it, put it in front of him and the same thing as before happens again. He doesn't eat, I give no snacks and make him wait for dinner the whole afternoon he's saying he's hungry and I remind him he should have eaten his lunch.

When I put dinner in front of him one of two things happens: he either takes one look at it and says "Hai, no like it." to which I respond, "take a bite and if you still don't like it then I'll fix you something else." He either takes the bite, realizes its yummy and gobbles it up or repeats that he doesn't like it and gets down from the table OR he takes a nibble and then says he's full. I'm beyond frustrated at this point since he hasn't had anything to eat all day, but I know it will do no good to try and force feed him and I also know he is well fed most of the time and so one day won't kill him...it still frustrates me though.

For now it's trying...I know all children eat when they are truly hungry and mine is in no way starved or neglected, this is his choosing to walk around with an empty belly and of course he eventually does eat...guess I'm learning to be patient with the fact that I can't make someone eat if they don't want to. At least in a couple more years I'll be able to just say...

Working Through the Ugly

Well after a long night I discovered what the ugly really does when it rears it's ugly head...no pun intended. It's very difficult for me sometimes because I'm not the same person that I was when the harm was caused...by me...and I hurt the one I love most dearly in this world. And because I am no longer that girl I tend to forget that even though years have past the wounds I created begin to heal but at the most inopportune times, and through no fault of my own, the scabs are viciously torn open by the prince of lies and the old pain consumes for a moment...sometimes a very long moment.

What can I do about this? To be honest...not much except continue to be better than I was back then, to reassure my love where my loyalty lies (not just through words but deeds as well), and PRAY...PRAY...PRAY! It's difficult to understand if you have no faith, but I do have faith in God and its still sometimes difficult to understand...why, why the devil was given any power at all to test us mere mortals. Why he chooses to do so in such hurtful and harmful ways. Why we sometimes fall into his traps and of course how to overcome these burdens...time and time again.

It never gets easier that much I know for certain. The closer my family and I get to God the more desperate the attacks become. We have to come to the realization that since God IS and everything else in creation follows that the devil is the exact opposite...all that isn't if you will. God LOVES the devil doesn't...and so this explains the second of my whys. The first is more difficult and I will not presume to know just what God intends, but I do have a theory that may or may not be near to the reason why the prince of lies is allowed to test us and my theory is this: No one can come to know God or have a relationship with Him if their faith isn't tested...we humans tend to change our minds a lot especially when the going gets tough, except in those moments we usually tend to pray a whole lot more for God to deliver us from whatever it is we are struggling with. The devil offers us convenience and comfort in ways that demean and degrade our dignity, however when things are going well we tend to forget about God...He wants us to turn to Him in EVERY moment...good, bad, indifferent, ugly...God wants us to realize whether we remember to turn to Him or not, He IS there with us. We are the ones who tend to make the struggling more difficult than it needs to be. Everything is for the greater Glory of God.

My husband and I relearn and sometimes learn better this lesson. Sometimes in our humanness we want to be prideful without meaning to be, we want to be right, we want the other to get over...fill in the blank or do ...fill in the blank differently. We come to realize at the end of the day that we are who we are, we sometimes make mistakes but never intentionally to harm the other. I am a woman and wife and mother and he is a man a husband and a father and we may never fully understand the other because we are created different on purpose. We each have the same role though and that is to Sanctify the other...to be holy people and to bring along with us those we call brothers and sisters in Christ which is all of humankind, but it starts first with the two of us through the Sacrament of Matrimony which we have. At the end of the ugliness we recreate the beauty by asking God to pick us up together and clean us off and help us to be stronger the next test.

With Blessings One Should Be Prepared For Tribulations

Nothing good in this life comes without struggles of some kind. It is said that the closer one gets to God the harder the devil attacks them in an effort to turn the person away from God...in three words God allows us TO BE TESTED. I will never presume to know why he allows this but I do know that after the storm is over things are better than when one entered it. Just like a negative being removed from a camera and beautiful pictures being developed from the film.

I don't know exactly what is happening just yet but I do know that my marriage is being tested yet again. The cold-shoulder or "silent treatment" is unusual between my husband and I, today it's very present though. It started this morning. He woke me as usual as he was leaving for work but he didn't respond when I said, "I love you" and so far today I haven't heard from him. This behavior is also unusual. Even on a slow day I still hear from him a few times via text or email...but nothing.

I know that we have been blessed over and over in the past few months especially within the past week. I guess now it's time again for the testing portion, which is never enjoyable, but I pray it will be short lived and that whatever it is we are able to work through it civilly and lovingly and that we come out the other side better than when we went in.

Here Comes Number Three

In my previous post I spoke of the blessings we felt this past weekend...well it's not over yet.

Saturday night, unbeknownst to me, my husband had a dream that he was speaking to the other guys in the 2014 Cohort and was telling them about our being with child. At the same time I was asleep next to him and was having a dream of my own. In my dream I was walking with a Sister (a nun for those not familiar with the simple terminology) she was wearing the traditional black and white habit and I never really saw her face although I remember her hands being slightly wrinkled in age but not like I remember my grandmother's being...so she was older but more middle-aged. We were walking into what appeared to look like a classroom. I remember one window which stretched across most of one wall and then desks and chairs...a classroom. As we both crossed about halfway into the room she turned, looked at me and said, "Oh, you're pregnant." I was stunned and felt my jaw drop as my eyes shifted their gaze between her hands and my belly area, "How can you possibly know that?" I asked. "I'm not even showing yet." I was trying to figure it out since I was sure I hadn't told anyone yet. She simply placed her hands lovingly on my shoulders as she matter-of-factually said, "Ah, it's Simon Peter." Like that explained anything at all to me. I woke shortly after this all took place. (You can say we've both had baby on the brain lately) I have dreams pretty regularly and don't usually say anything about them to my husband unless it disturbs me or has me thinking about things that I normally don't concern myself with.

Sunday morning came and went with the usual church things for me and taking care of the boys for him. In the afternoon when Andy was getting our clothes ready for Mass I went into the room to spend some time with him since the boys were napping. He looked at me and said, "I dreamt you were pregnant last night." "Are you serious?!" I asked. "Yes" he said and then relayed the above information to me and I in turn shared my dream with him and we then decided that maaaaaybe we should buy a test since we were stopping for milk after Mass anyway.

Anytime I take a pregnancy test I always use the first urine of the day...and if it comes out positive then I usually take a second test before calling my OB/GYN. I know this is irrational and a bit silly but I once had a negative test read after the allotted time turn positive and the second test turn positive, so I like to err on the side of caution. Last night was tough...I tossed and turned and at midnight I had to use the ladies room so I took the first test. IT WAS POSITIVE. At six this morning I took the second test. IT WAS POSITIVE. So we are having baby number three and we are ecstatic!

Not only was this revealed to us both in a dream, but we'd been wanting another baby for a little while. It seems we're keeping about a two year gap in between each child and I enjoy the difference in age as I think it's just right. We told Hadrien, our three-year-old, first. He is just as excited as we are...at least for now. He immediately asked for a sister, I told him we would see what God gave us in about nine months. Liam doesn't get it right now, but if he's anything like his brother, and he is, then as my belly grows so will his curiosity. After this Andy and I each told our mom's and both are very excited to be Gaga & Nana again. Then of course it was time for the world to know and so we each posted it on facebook and I'm putting it on here. It may seem quick for some but we are truly blessed and we can never keep secrets that are joyous events to ourselves for long so we get it out there as quickly as possible so others can share in the joy with us.

I'm sure some of my later posts for this year will pertain to my pregnancy and I'll try to keep it gore free...no promises but I will add a caution if I think it may gross someone out...

Just a warning now though...we don't like to find out the gender until the child is pulled from my womb (this really drives my mom crazy)...there are so few surprises in life that we love keeping this one gift a surprise to the world until it arrives. :)

A Chance Encounter

Yesterday was a very blessed day for my husband and I as well, I'm sure, as for all nine of the other couples who make up the Diaconate Cohort of 2014. For one thing we were learning about and discussing charisms and how to discern what gifts God has given each of us. These weekends take place approximately once a month and they are always full of learning, faith, love and compassion and we feel blessed each time we encounter Christ within each other. We always walk away feeling more than loved by our Father, our Church and all those around us which is always a very good thing to feel in our secular world. The second reason it was such a blessed day was that we were able to meet, as a group, with Bishop Thomas J. Olmsted of the Diocese of Phoenix...the diocese we call home and the Bishop who is our shepherd.

It isn't everyday that we get to sit down and speak with the Bishop in such an intimate setting. Each couple was able to tell the Bishop a little about ourselves, our families, and our journeys up to this point regarding how our husbands and ultimately our families are possibly being called to a vocation within the diaconate community with our husbands, God willing, serving as ordained Deacons within the Catholic Church. At first I think we were all very nervous...it's to be expected I suppose as with any interview our nerves sometimes get rattled. The greatest thing is just how easy the Bishop is to talk to...he truly put all of us at ease. We each have very unique stories as does everyone in all of existence, some are simpler than others but all of our stories had one theme in common and that is service to our fellow brothers and sisters.

The Bishop listened carefully and attentively as each of us went through a brief synopsis of our lives and asked a few questions here and there. At the end of the time we had with him he made sure to go around to each person in the room, to shake hands and give some words of encouragement and/or advice, while I don't know what was said to others I do know what he spoke to me of and he subtly mentioned a book I may be interested in...which of course I interpreted as "You should obtain and read this book." (As soon as we were on our way home, you best believe, I jumped onto Amazon and ordered said book, lol) Our time with the Bishop was amazing and I am grateful for the encounter. I know our Bishop is a man of prayer and he leads his flock accordingly making sure that human dignity and all teachings of the Church are upheld to the best of his ability and I am blessed to have met him personally.

I'll leave this post by sharing one saying/quote that he shared with us...and I suddenly can't remember the origin...was:

"If Jesus can ride into Jerusalem on the likes of an ass, imagine what he can do with the likes of you and me."

How true this is for all of us.

No Sleep = No Problem with the Rosary

Well I woke up around three o'clock this beautiful morning and just could not get back to sleep. It doesn't help that I have heavy worries regarding the controversial iconfessions app for the iphone and people not having their facts straight before speaking of the TRUTH, the WAY and the LIFE...my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ as well as Church teachings. After lying in bed for about ten or fifteen minutes trying to figure out if I was going to get back to sleep or not I realized I needed to pray for a woman in particular and those who spread deceitful information to those trying to understand more fully or learn about the Catholic faith.

I started by just speaking to God and telling Him my worries as well as asking for the intercession of all the saints here on earth as well as in heaven...after a few minutes though I realized there was something more I could pray, which is always at my disposal and that is very powerful indeed. The Rosary!

I rolled out of bed and began praying and meditating as best as I possibly could...I always seem to struggle when praying the rosary by myself, I'm not sure why. I took my time and prayed one full rosary...that's five decades of Hail Mary's, seven Our Father's, six Glory Be's, six of the Fatima prayer, one Apostles Creed and one Hail Holy Queen...in about an hour. For most a rosary takes between fifteen minutes and half an hour if the Litany of Saints is also done, like I said I took my time.

About half way through I realized that my heart felt like it was softening, my worries were melting away (not the worries so much but the anxiety they were creating) and I was even more awake and focused than when I first began. I've always thought that the rosary is beautiful and is completely a meditation if one fully immerses themselves into the prayer...normally however I really struggle to get through it, maybe I try too hard to stay focused or maybe I don't trust enough to turn my needs up to God even though intellectually I know only He can solve the worlds and yes, MY problems plus that His love is forever merciful and endless. This morning though I enjoyed, thoroughly enjoyed praying the rosary. I feel on top of the world, even if its only for this short time before the family wakes and our day really begins. I think I wouldn't mind incorporating this into everyday...that is if I can always just be awakened naturally...no alarms please.

For today at least I am grateful to have the rosary and for turning to it to calm my worries and turn all of today over to the Lord's Will and not my own. If my beloved wakes with enough time maybe we'll even get Lauds in together...I'm loving that I've been able to start today in prayer. Thank you my Lord and thank you our Lady for giving us the Rosary.

Holy Mary Mother of God, pray for us.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Our Days

Oh how true this saying is...especially when a mother has only little boys. I have two bouncing, quite literally, boys ages one and three years. They are whirlwinds some days and it's all I can do to keep my head on straight with the house still attached to its foundation...at least at first glance. I guess I never realized just how much work being a mom is and everyday I am reminded that it is in fact a miracle that we are still a thriving society of many different people.

I would likely be awakened by an alarm in the mornings or by sleeping in til my body said, "enough" if I didn't have my boys. Instead every morning, sometimes the middle of the night, I am awakened by my three year old bounding into bed with me. Some days I am lucky enough to get him to lie with me for a few extra minutes of shut eye, but mostly it's my queue to get up and start the coffee pot so I can tend to his needs...a much needed diaper change, a sippy of milk, dry cereal, and the blessed Thomas the Tank Engine that he constantly wants played. This goes on til his brother wakes...usually around seven, where I shift focus for a minute to another much needed diaper change, a bottle of milk and a new episode of Thomas the Tank Engine. (If I'm lucky at this point he allows my to put on PBS while I make breakfast.)

Breakfast is then made for both boys and while they eat I enjoy a cup of hot coffee, sometimes while actually sitting. After breakfast we (I) clean up the mess(es) and start some dishes. Then it's play time...we'll call our game DESTROY THE ROOMS AS QUICKLY AND EFFICIENTLY AS POSSIBLE!!! This takes a total of ten minutes and the rest of the morning we spend dragging different toys into the living room, playing with them until we're bored (a few minutes) and getting some new ones. A snack then comes which I also get to pick up after as well as diaper changes if needed.

If I'm lucky enough to get the kids dressed with no fighting then we head outside to play. Since we live in Arizona the weather is almost always perfect for this...Thank God. The boys and I chase each other, go down the slide, play on the swings, maybe take turns pulling each other in the little red wagon and sometimes I'll pick some weeds while we're at it. This lasts anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and then it's back inside to make lunch including another round of Thomas...that engine just keeps on going. After lunch the boys get to go down for naps and I get to clean up the lunch mess(es), do some laundry and/or spend my time cleaning up the living room and getting things together so that I can start dinner. Once in awhile I'll get to spend nap time paying bills, balancing the checkbook, blogging or going onto facebook to get away for a few minutes.

After nap time I once again change diapers and give another little snack while Hadrien pleads for Thomas and I either give in or put on some Disney cartoon while I start dinner. I almost never get around to picking up the kids rooms...daddy usually helps with this task and I am grateful for it. While I get dinner going I'm usually fighting to maintain some order in the freshly picked up living room and squelching any brotherly fights that break out...sometimes one or both of the boys will simply be hanging from my leg(s) or climbing on the counter while I cook...this distraction takes great skill to overcome lest I burn myself or the food. In the middle of this is usually when daddy gets home from work and sees a frazzled mom, a messy house and two cranky boys, I'm amazed he stills walks in and kisses and hugs us all. Daddy goes around picking up and getting comfy while I get plates made and places set up for our dinner.

We all eat together and then we move onto bath time. This task we alternate...some days I bathe and dress, some daddy does, but mostly one of us will wash while the other cleans up the dinner mess and then that one will dress while the other gets beds turned down and starts turning down the lights for some quiet time before bed. Daddy usually puts Liam down himself after a final few ounces of milk and kisses all around. Then we both go in with Hadrien to say prayers, blessings and one of us may stay for a book before giving a final kiss goodnight. Daddy and I settle in for a few minutes before Hadrien is up out of bed and we usher him back...this repeats for anywhere between 10 minutes to an hour depending on how persistent Hadrien is being. Once he's fully asleep Daddy goes about getting his clothes ready for the next day and I either follow about from room to room if we're having a discussion or I plant myself on the couch, rarely I take a hot bath to wash the day away.

Daddy and I then spend some time together whether we watch tv or share the days events or both, sometimes we play a kindly competitive game of chess or risk or battle ship...only the first do I ever win at. Once this is done we say our Vespers together before turning in for sleep ourselves and then we repeat with some slight variations every day. It's quite amazing really. We make sure to spend quality time with our boys and each other everyday. It's busy and hectic and our boys are still quite young, I can only imagine what will be in store for us once they start school and sports. I love every minute of it, although I could do without the fussiness that occurs once a week all day and most evenings, every minute of it is a blessing. My day in a nutshell doesn't seem like much, but to my family I know it means the world and I am grateful that God gave them to me!

Wisdom is perishable...

...unlike information or knowledge, it cannot be stored in a computer or recorded in a book. It expires with each passing generation.



Which brings me to today's thoughts. Take a look, a long hard look at the pictures of a single mother (one woman) with her single child...what's wrong with the images?

They have similarities to be sure. One mother each, one child each...each woman is dressed as is each child. And that is where the similarities end.

In the first the mother is "properly dressed" including her hair being done up in such a way that it is out of her face and not in the way. The child too is "properly" dressed and from what we can see there is not a mess to be seen. This first mother is graciously and simply wagging her finger in disapproval of the child's actions...getting into the book shelf. The child in turn is focused on the actions of the mother and although still reaching we get the sense that this disapproval has just been issued and the child has not had the chance to remove his hand from the books. The mothers face is soft and not contorted in a grimace. The child's face is also soft and curious. We don't know if any sound was made in the first portrait of mother and child, we don't know if any sound was needed.

In the second the mother is casually dressed in clothes of "today"...jeans, a shirt and flat shoes, I know the ensemble well. Her hair is down, her finger also wagging in disapproval. Her face is contorted in utter disdain and we cannot see what the offense is or was. The child in turn is also casually dressed, but instead of being attentive to his mother, he has his hands covering his ears and his eyes tightly shut to her as he RUNS AWAY from her call of NO, no, no, NO, No, NO!

What has happened in the past 10, 20, 100 years to the vocation of motherhood and child-rearing? Why hasn't information or a way of life been handed down by our ancestors?

I am asking these questions today because well it's been a day much like the second picture is depicting in my house. I have a three and one year old whom I care for day-in and day-out, they are both boys. They are currently my little explorers and with their presence, more often than not, comes disaster. Toys strewn across 1200 sq ft of living space, stickiness, snot, spilled milk/water/beverages of all kinds, food in places that I'd least imagine, things breaking and my all time favorite the screaming ugliness that comes from their little mouths when they are unhappy with anything, most often each other over a toy. I have uttered that blessed little "No" so many times and ways today that eventually I figured out maybe I missed the definition and maybe I was even speaking a foreign language to my children that they were completely unresponsive to my pleas.

I have heard of child-rearing being a joint effort on the part of many women within the family unit and on days like today I wonder why as a society have we moved away from this community of bringing up children? It's too much for me and my two boys, let alone the single parents and their children, and I have a wonderful husband who helps me after work...a lot of parents are doing it on their own. I don't understand. But I do know that more hands make for light work...and then I'm left to wonder...why in the world didn't our grandparents leave us with some pertinent information before they passed and their grandparents before them...up to the point where the information was handed down. Then the question turns into "WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU LISTEN"...look at the state most parents are in today. We didn't get here by chance, it was a loooooong time coming.

I'm ready for the me generation to exit stage left and for the us generation to step up and figure out where we went wrong for one, to relearn old skills and for all of us to start taking care of each other again. Especially when it comes to raising children. If it's too much for a happily married couple and the stay at home mom in the equation then where is our next generation headed? I'm missing key elements to raising my children and although, everyday, I do the best I am capable of...most of the time I come up short. I'm missing a grandmother's perspective, an aunts, a friends, a neighbors...and I mean a DAILY perspective not just when they have/make time. My boys will, at this point, not be as well rounded as I know they can be with these missing peices in their lives.

All I can say for now is "I'm sorry, ... I don't know what happened or when, but I'm here and I'm trying."